Married to an addict? How to get unstuck

If you cannot let go, leave, or change an addict… you are stuck in a loop! More here on how to break free and live the life you want. With a section at the end for you to share more about your own situation.

minute read

Do you love an addict and feel stuck? If you feel trapped, boxed in, vulnerable, and lost because of loving an addict you are not alone.

Read on for more ideas on getting out of an unhealthy relationship. Then, we invite your comments and experience in the section at the end. In fact, we’ll try to respond to your inquiry personally and promptly.

Am I Stuck?

Being with an addict can feel like looking through foggy lenses. You know what you are seeing but everything looks fuzzy so you cannot see exactly what is happening right in front of you. When you know that your loved one is an addict and you cannot let go, leave, or change… then you are also the one who is stuck.

You may not be able put your finger on it at first… or for even for a long time after—but you might start to see everyone around you moving forward in their lives. Further, you might end up feeling like you were left at the train station standing on the platform while everyone else boarded the train.

Can you see the natural evolution of healthier relationships around you? Friends and family are participating in life events that you either avoid or go to alone. These are painful and constant reminders of what is missing in your own family.

Facing It

If you find yourself asking over and over again how you arrived at this point it is time to face facts. You are not being an advocate for you in your own life to make a notable difference in your situation. You cannot face something you do not acknowledge. So, when you are clear that you:

………a. need your situation to change;
………b. can no longer try to save your partner from addiction;
………c. you need to be responsible for your own well-being;
………d. you are tired of being codependent or “co-addicted”;

…you are ready to get unstuck.

How to Get Yourself Unstuck

An addict constructs a world of deception, manipulation, evasiveness and anger. The life you want is the exact opposite of this. If you expect honesty, you are married to the wrong person. But just because they are incapable of telling the truth about anything does not mean that you have to live in that world.

Here are some strategies to get unstuck:

  1. Trust in yourself. You are not paranoid.
  2. Stop asking the same questions expecting different answers.
  3. Disengage from conversations that lead the addict to tell stories. If you know the addict is using, do not ask them to admit it…they won’t! You will just become frustrated.
  4. Your partner’s delusions do not have to be your own. Use your head and not your heart. Your heart is what got you stuck and it is time to start listening to that voice that tells you things are not going to change.
  5. Stop trying to search for the answers you want to hear like how you can make this work and listen to the advice of people who have been there and gotten out of the situation.
  6. Just like an addict needs help to get sober, you need support to get out. Don’t try to do this alone, open up to the people you trust. You are going to need people rallying around you who won’t let you get away with the excuses you are used to making for putting up with the addict’s behavior.

Are You Making The Same Mistakes?

Just because the addict is in the wrong, it is no excuse for you to keep making the same mistakes you are making that keep you down. Using an addict’s behavior as an excuse to behave in ways that make you question who you are is just another way to stay stuck.

If you are stuck, you cannot expect someone to just come and pull you out. You have to make an effort to free yourself or you will end up taking other people down with you.

About the author
Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.
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