Parent of drug addict help: Top 10 truths to help parents
I am the mother of an addict
I am the mother of an addict who is currently incarcerated. He is a 22 year old young man that I know for a fact is sweet, kind and intelligent, musical and sensitive. Yet he is now a convicted felon who will spend the next 4 years in prison on a felony conviction for possession of a controlled substance.
Beginning when he was 19, my son has been in long-term rehab on four different occasions, for a total of almost a full year of days. He has embraced sobriety, only to lose it again several months later. He has done this multiple times. He has been rushed by ambulance to the hospital more than once. He almost bled to death and he has had overdoses and seizures. He spent a few days in a psychiatric hospital when he became suicidal. He has been saved by Jesus and lost his faith, joined a church, attended AA, NA, MA, and CA and seen psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors in an effort to understand his behaviors. He has been arrested multiple times. He has fallen down, and gotten up, over and over and over again.
As a single parent who left an alcoholic and drug addict husband when my two children were young, I vowed to myself that I would make a better life for them, and I didn’t drink at all as they grew up. I tried so hard to be a good parent, making their well being my number one concern. My daughter has matured into adulthood and is happily married with a child on the way. She seldom drinks at all, doesn’t use drugs at all, and has a stable and healthy lifestyle.
My son’s addiction
My son’s addiction started in high school, with what at the time I considered to be “normal” experimentation with alcohol and marijuana. I never expected then that his alcohol and drug use would escalate into full blown addiction and that it would progress over the years all the way to intravenous heroin and meth use.
As my son’s descent into serious addiction took over and his life became a roller coast ride, I jumped on the ride too, and have been through all the ups and downs right alongside him. I have cried, yelled, talked, prayed, pleaded and begged. I have had more sleepless nights than I can count, and I have put myself in perilous circumstances more than once on his behalf. I have spent countless hours, almost all my money and all my energy into trying to save him from himself. I have attended Al-Anon and rehab family sessions galore. I have spent my weekends driving to visitations and embraced new thinking along with him. I have read and read and read every book and article on the subject I could get my hands on. I have considered at length every approach to recovery, from AA to Rational Recovery, from faith-based to non-secular, to medically-assisted to pure self will and determination, in an effort to find the key to my son’s condition and to his recovery.
Parents, trust your instincts
I would advise any parent of teens, if you are beginning to suspect a problem, trust your instincts. Pay attention to what your child does more than what they say. Trust is important between a child and parent, but don’t let your love for your child dissuade you from ignoring the facts. If a problem becomes evident and your child is still a minor or under your roof, address it immediately. This is the time to be the parent your child needs with rules, expectations and consequences. If they are a young adult and out on their own, your approach will be different, but be upfront with your concerns. As much as you want your young adult children to consider you a friend, it is more important that they are made aware that their addictive behavior has become noticeable to others.
10 Truths for the Parent of an Addict Child
You may find yourself reading here today because you are just at the start of that roller coaster ride, or maybe you are already deep into it, looking for answers. I don’t have the answers. But after all of it, I have learned a few hard lessons. From these lessons, I have compiled a list of truths. I wish I had read this list a few years back and taken it to heart. Maybe things could have turned out differently.
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- Your actions and parenting are not what caused your child to become an addict. Perhaps there are things that you would do differently if you had it to do over. But keep in mind, at the time you made what you thought were the right decisions. Don’t waste your energy and affect your own morale by going over and over the past and endlessly second-guessing yourself.
- You can’t fix your child’s addiction. Only your child can find the answers to their sobriety. You may provide your child with self-help books, spend every dime you have sending them to rehab, find support groups for them within your community or much more. But none of that will get them clean and sober and on the path to recovery, until they have hit their own personal rock bottom and are ready to recover.
- What you believe your child’s rock bottom to be and what they believe their rock bottom to be can be very different. For you, their dropping out of school or college may seem a tragedy. For them, especially when they are actively using, it may be but a blip on the radar. For you, one trip to the hospital due to an OD may seem a nightmare that you never want to endure again. For them, it may take even more severe consequences for them to reach bottom.
- Telling a child that “if they loved you” they would get clean and sober “for you” will never, ever work. It’s not that they don’t love you, it’s that they are an addict.
- And along those lines, don’t for a moment believe that your child, who surely does love you, is not capable of lying to you, stealing from you and more when in the grips of their addiction.
- Bailing your child out of trouble caused by their addiction is not protecting them. It is enabling them to continue their addiction without consequences. Facing consequences for their addictive behavior early in their addictive behavior, for example, the loss of a job, an eviction, or a bad credit score, could be an effective lesson for them, and help them face that they have a problem. Yes, they eventually will have a mess to clean up. Let them learn that.
- Bailing your child out of jail if they should be arrested is not always the right thing to do, even if every fiber of your being is in torment at the thought of them being incarcerated. Chances are very strong they will survive the experience, even if you leave them there for quite a long time, and the reality of spending days or even weeks in jail may be just the hard slap they need. Likewise, hiring expensive lawyers may or may not minimize the impact of criminal charges but it will not increase your child’s likelihood of recovering from their addiction.
- Telling your child you love them unconditionally is always right. Telling them you don’t like and won’t condone or support their behavior when they are actively using is also right. Addicts can be more manipulative and cunning in their drug seeking behavior than you would like to believe your child capable of. It’s OK and appropriate to tell your child that they cannot use your car, take your money, or jeopardize your home, health, or well being in any way. You may even reach a point when you need to tell your addict child they are not allowed or welcome in your home any longer. Protect yourself, your health, your finances, and your assets.
- Loving your child isn’t always enough. Your addict child will hurt themselves, harm themselves, and cause themselves more pain that you can imagine, and all the love you have for them can’t prevent it or stop it. They may lose friendships and relationships with other family members and with you and alienate everybody. They may lose everything they have and cause irreparable havoc from their drug use. You will still love them, even when they are at their worst. In their own guilt and shame they may have a hard time believing that you love them and they may push you away. Always let them know you believe they have the ability to recover.
- There is always hope. In your child’s darkest hour, they may find what they need. Never give up on your child.
Just for today
My son is now 4 months clean, via his arrest and incarceration. He writes to me that being imprisoned has allowed him to feel freer than he has in a very long time. He no longer has a needle in his arm and he is clear-headed and focused. He is reading and writing with a vengeance. He has the courage to face what is ahead of him and the belief that there is a path of growth and recovery for him. He accepts full responsibility for his current circumstances. I continue to pray for his well being, love him with all of my heart, and believe that he can find and stay on his path to recovery.
Are you the parent of an addict? How has your child’s addiction affected you and your family? Do you have truths to add to this list?
8:49 am
December 2nd, 2010
oh my, i salute you for being so tough to face this trials alone. it’s really hard i know that because im a mother of three. my eldest is boy and 17 yrs old now. he’s not an addict thank god but starting drinking and smoking. but as a mother the fear is always there, we always want the best for them but sometimes they don’t see it. i hope and pray that your son will be free from all of this…God bless you
6:33 pm
December 6th, 2010
What I’m reading here is that children diagnosed with the disease of addiction must do the work of recovery themselves. I also salute you for the questions, time and hope that you have while you watch your child battle addiction. Your real and honest insight comes from the hard road of experience. Thank you for sharing.
10:16 am
December 31st, 2010
my brother is deeply addicted to so many substances i dont even know all of the drugs/alcohol he is on. my mother is done with him, i am stuck as the ‘golden child’ and under alot of pressure to maintain that status. my mother thinks that when he is reaching out telling us that he feels unloved, untrusted, and uncared for, that he is just giving us a guilt trip and she said she doesnt care anymore (i care though). i have matured much faster than other teens as i have had more stress and family issues that caused me to do so. i am still only a teen but its sad that i know about all the different kinds of alcohol and drugs there are, including slang terms for them. i will never touch any of the things he is on, but i cant help him because he doesnt want to quit…he is extremely gifted, smart, talented, but makes the most stupid impulsive decisions. i cant make him stop, but i just forced my mom to call him back and assure him that she does love him…but she does NOT have a way with words…she told him straight up that he cannot come over today and that she doesnt care about his ‘guilt trip’ (a.k.a. feelings). my brother has been to jail countless times, hospitals, lost just about every job in the city, and there is just no stopping him. thankfully he doesnt have a car nor a drivers license but he has ways of getting around. he isnt allowed to stay here because 1. my mom doesnt trust him, 2. he is listed as a child molester because his ex girlfriend lied about her age and told him she was 18 when she was actually turning 18 in a month (the judge let him go but it stayed on his record) and although i am his sister and he would never do anything like that, i am under age and he is not allowed to see me unless my mom is home. it makes me sad that he has just given up because he doesnt want to stop, and tomorrow is new years but he said he would just be a burden if he came over, that we dont really love him or care about him or trust him (well we dont actually trust him but we do love him and i care about him) and that theres parties to go to but he’d call. he wanted to come over but my mom said no, so i told him shes tired and he took it the wrong way and now thinks his mother is too tired to see him. it kills me but i know the only thing i can do is assure him i love him and do not approve of his behavior.
12:54 am
April 14th, 2011
If u taught ur children rite maybe they wouldnt do drugs. smoking pot is not a drug most of a way to pass time n make the user more stupid than he or she already is. maybe if the mother or father wasnt a addict then maybe the child wouldnt turn to drugs. YOU ARE TO BLAME
6:23 am
June 26th, 2011
I am shocked at the comment above my, written by ‘angry dude’. How could you possibly place the blame on the parent? I raised 5 children and only 1 chose to go off the right path and choose a life of destruction using meth. Yes, she’s a meth addict. This is truly one of the hardest things a mother will ever face. At first I stayed so depressed thinking there was something I could have done when she was growing up that would have made a difference now. The truth is…she’s making her own choices. I cannot be her enabler any longer. As bad as it’s tearing me apart, I have to allow her to make her own decisions and there will definitely consequences she’s going to have to face. Right now, she’s in violation of a 3 yr state probation, but she thinks she’s about all that and can get away with whatever she wants to do. The saddest thing is I know that either my child will eventually face years in prison or OD….one or the other. I love her, though, more than words can say. My heart grieves for her, but my trust is in God whom is the only way she’ll every overcome her addiction. I’m here to support other mothers experiencing a bout with a child on drugs. To others, I’d say, don’t be so judgmental. Ultimately, our children must make their own choices…..some are good…some are bad. Unfortunately, some of us have children that have chosen the wrong path. Yet, we don’t have to lose our faith that some day they will recover. Nothing in the world could ever make us stop loving them. Nothing can heal this hurting we have deep down in us. Once we know they’re going to be okay…..that hole will heal. But, we can rest assured that we, as parents, didn’t make their decisions….they chose the path they’re own. We just have to let them know we love them…..however, not be an enabler….but, just love them.
8:44 pm
July 11th, 2011
WOW – My guess is that Angry Dude is not a parent but a problem himself, everyone should just ignore his post. I am a single parent and have devoted my life to my kids, I taught them that drinking, smoking and drug use is bad. My eldest is clean and sober but my youngest is doing heroin. I love her more than words can describe and it is killing me living with this and watching her go through all that she is going through. I thought she had stopped but found out she started again. I am at a loss of what to do next.
2:18 pm
August 6th, 2011
I am a mother of a drug addict, and I’m not sure where to start to help him. He’s been using for years, and has been in rehab several times. I know that I’ve enabled him, as well as his wife, but now I’ve stopped taking his calls, and I feel really depressed about doing this. We talked everyday, and it sounded like he was doing ok, only to find out that he’s been stealing things from his house, including his kids toys, just trying to get money. I’ve never heard so many stories about why he needed money, but I always gave in. He can’t keep jobs, and they’re now going through bankruptcy. My daughter in law and my grandchildren are staying with friends until he goes into detox, which will be today, then they will go back home. It’s very hard on all of us, and yes, I do blame myself. I know that he has chosen this, but as a mother, I can’t seem to get my mind around that it’s not my fault. I’m going to go to NA meetings, and would like to know if anyone else has gone to them, and if so, has it helped? I also want to take my grandkids with me. They are 11 and 8. Is that a good thing to do? They know that daddy has a drug problem, but they really don’t understand what its all about. I’m really down, and need some help on if I’m doing the right thing by not talking to him. Thanks to anyone who is in the same situation. Debbie
9:51 pm
August 7th, 2011
I think it is important to let him know that you will not give him money or enable him in any way to get drugs. You might acknowledge that in the past you had done those things, but seeing his life in shambles has caused you to detach with love. He may be a person who HAS to lose it all before getting help. Remember, HE must WA NT help. It is the only way. It must be his decision. His addiction is a private matter and does not belong to you. But I also don’t feel it is really a “choice”. People use drugs to block painful memories, become addicted by being prescribed narcotics for injuries, some people just try it once and are hooked. I mayself was a heroin addict for 30 years. I stopped because I moved out of the area where I was involved, and started life anew. I have heard of others who, once they had removed themselves from their junkie friends and dealers, were able to make it on their own. I don’t feel the children belong at the meetings. They are too young to understand and it can be very depressing I’m sure. Not a good environment. They need lots and lots of love and attention and happy times. Yes, you can say daddy is “sick” but I would wait until they were older to explain. It sounds as if he has hit the bottom of the barrel..selling his kids toys? But make no mistake, detox is just the first peepy step and junkies sometimes go to detox because their habit is out of control but it does not mean he won’t be back at it when he gets out. You can judge his progress by what he does. Junkies are also master manipulators so everything he says may not be true. I pray that you will find peace and that your son will be well again. Linda
7:49 pm
August 11th, 2011
I feel for all the parents out there that are going through the ever so long process watching their children struggle with addiction and recovery. We are only at the beginning and struggling every day wondering when the next relapse will be. It has destroyed my sons life but he doesn’t see it. He tells us what we want to hear and we want so bad to believe him but we know the number one thing an addict is great at is lying. I just want him to stop but I know he has to make that decision on his own. Where has my child gone???? I want him back in the worst way. There are so many children out there going through the same thing. it has to stop. I just don’t know how to live with an addict. But i refuse to kick him out and have him on the streets. There has to be a better program out there that tells them they can stop and they can make that decision and stick to it instead of all the NA programs that tell them they are powerless. I know NA helps with group support but really wish they could have a more positive and motivating message. I wish everyone luck with their family members and my only message is to stay positive, there’s always hope. Never give up on your precious children – I know i never will.
8:10 pm
August 15th, 2011
It is so hard to read over and over again about sons and daughters who are addicts. My son is 21 and has been an addict since he was 17- he has been to rehab twice- refuses to go again andjust does not see he can’t do this on his own terms. He has stolen from us been kicked out twice and always finds a nice family to live with. I know he wants to be clean and sober and not live the dark life of pills but the addiction trumps all. He newest plan is to go to collgere in florida and have his grandmother co sign for a college loan- no one else int he family will do it and he has my mother right where he wants her- believeing in him. It could turn out great but I highly doubt it. My other two sons have had it and my youngest is beyond resentful. I set my boundaries after the intervention in May did not work. I am done moving forward and trying to stay positive. Even though you know logically that it is not your fault as a mother or parent- emotionally it really gets to you – even after you set your boundaries. You mourn for the child with the bright eyes and who has so much potentia- handsome, smart and loving. If you saw my son walking down the street you would have no idea of his addiction. He looks like a college student. I wish we had more answers- I know he has to hit “his” rock bottom but I just wish there was another approach that a year in rehab and the 12 steps. I am thankful for at least an option that may work but I just wish there was another approach.
Oh and that the drug companies and doctors would take some ownership for the perscritpion drug epidemic that is so rapid among high school and collgere students!
I am trying to keep the faith but it is very hard to on a daily basis
1:15 am
August 21st, 2011
Our son too is addicted to heroin and at this point I can’t even count how many rehab places he has been. He is currently in rehab again and luckily when he can make a phone call, its only for 5 minutes. There is a plan a head for him to go to a half-way house and of course he has no money to pay (400.00 per month). On one hand 400.00 is worth paying so he is not at, near, or around our house. My initial thought is to agree to pay for X number of months and then leave the rest to him. Any thoughts on this plan? The thinking is, if this is “it” should we (again) give a leg up. He claims he has a job lined up for when he gets to the half-way house. Is any of it true? Who knows? We are in the midwest and the rehab location is in FL.
6:52 pm
August 21st, 2011
To Lucy,
ditto
12:08 am
October 31st, 2011
I am so lost in my sadness over my son’s addiction. I’ve just finally come to terms with and admitted to myself that he has a drug problem. As this is the child who every night would come into our room and say “Goodnight, I luv u mom and dad” – even til recently – I feel like I have lost him to these drugs he is using. I know I can’t make him see that he has a problem….it is so painful watching this child I love so dearly self-destruct. He is 19 years old and using “Spice”… still legal in our state and ruining lives. I am glad I found this site tonight because at least I am not alone in this. Everything you have posted you feel is exactly how I feel.
4:45 am
November 14th, 2011
My dtr is 25yrs old. She is a kind, beautiful, loving person-but can also lie, steal, and become violent when under the influence. She has wrecked cars I bought for her, stolen my Dad’s car, been on the street homeless, and taken the worst drugs possible. She has likely prostituted herself. She has been in inpatient rehab, in jail many times. She has many yrs of accumulated debt/collectors/lawsuits, etc that I can no longer keep track. She can no longer get a job, people in this area know her. I no longer give her any money or help of any sort. She calls me frequently, but I do not spend time in person with her. I cannot let her be around her young brothers. I did my best raising her, but genetics are powerful-her father died at age 50 of drug overdose. My father is an alcoholic. I love her dearly, but I am powerless to help her. All I can do is love her, and offer encouragement for her to get help. The rest is up to her. There is hope, there is always hope until the end. But it is hard to feel hopeful most days. To “angry dude”, there comes a time to quit looking to blame others and take responsibility for your life. Then there is hope. To all the parents-it is painful, but there comes a time to stop the craziness and let our adult children own their lives.
11:01 am
November 14th, 2011
Dear LRC, Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel for you and all the other parents on this post. I hope that you can feel some peace in the middle of all this pain.
3:49 am
November 19th, 2011
I would like to start a support group -not like aa-but just for single moms of drug addicted children-i think as a mom who has been going through the process for 14 years it could me very helpful-even for me-having been through countless re-habs, sober houses, therapy groups-thinking its about time to come up with a better support group. I love my son to death, but can’t live with him any longer and don’t want to attend or plan his funeral
12:54 am
November 20th, 2011
Thank you for the kind words. I saw my dtr in the grocery store today-I had not seen her since Mothers day. She looked awful. Lost weight, skin not looking right, she has an infection in both eyes (prob conjunctivitis), a small lump on her neck…I tried to do a mini exam on her right there (I’m an RN), but she said she had to go. We hugged and I told her I love her. I try to keep these feelings at bay, but seeing her this way brings so much pain. I want to empty all my accounts to get her into a rehab unit-but I know she won’t go, and even if she would agree, unless it comes from within her, there’s no point. I know in this country we value autonomy and self determination-but what if it just leads to destruction. She is a beautiful person, but this damn disease is killing her. Oh, and to those who do not think it is a disease-you have not lived this nightmare. To Barbara-I am so sorry, when I saw you said you’ve been gong thru this for 14yrs, I thought, wow, that’s a long time. How do you hold on to hope?
5:49 am
November 20th, 2011
You keep going, praying, being positive and hope one day they will know what they have to do-the other side of that is your fear, anxiousness, the feeling in your gut that turns you upside down and inside out that you one day might see you child laying on the sidewalk -like the people you see” that you don’t really want to see” -that’s what keeps you fighting for the hope he might figure it out one day-in the mean time I have another son that is very supportive. For any parent that has a drug addict child-my heart goes out to you and your family-of all the things I have done in my life-this is by far the most heart wrenching-to all that might read this-I really believe that there is hope in any child
3:27 pm
December 1st, 2011
I am the mom of a 21 year old intrevenous heroin addict. He is currently sectioned to a detox for 21 days. I spoke to him yesterday and he sounded so happy. I feel that I keep myself very detached from him because my little sister has been an addict for 14 years and I got so sick of the lies and destruction from her, I almost feel like it is impossible for one to get clean. I love him so much and I cry every night, but I always tell him how much I love him and how much I miss that prescious, smart beautiful little boy. I just want him back, but his girlfriend that he sooo in love with is addicted to perks and he doesn’t see anything wrong with that…therefore, he will keep going back. It is a vicsious circle.
7:11 pm
December 2nd, 2011
Should I tell my 37 year old daughter’s counselor about all the negative things that my daughter has done over the years with her addiction to percoset and alcohol?? She has been abusive to her children, partying all night, kids missing school, arguments with her landlord when she is high to the point where her landlord wanted to call child protective services. Should I betray my daughter and mention all these type of things? She will hate me. Please help me.
Thank you.
6:54 pm
December 3rd, 2011
Hi Darlene. Thanks for your question. I think that you know the answer to your question already. Although you are in a difficult position, you still have a responsibility to your grandchildren and your daughter. If you know more about your daughter’s behavior and think that becoming honest about it can help her or her children, I think that you would be doing the right thing to tell her counselor about her actions. What is hidden will be revealed in time.
5:58 am
December 17th, 2011
Hi all, the holidays are here for all of us! Wishing you the best and know what this time of year brings. The last 6 weeks have been great for us as a family-moved my son bank into a sober environment -he is doing really well( as far as I know). I have had to distance myself and stop asking so many questions-mostly for my own well being-at 29 I told him this was his last gift and he had to make it on his own. My life has come back into some order-my house is safe-I can finally sleep at night! Don’t know if any of you have been there-but I have had to let go and hope to god what I have taught him as an early child and young adult will finally sink in. Happy holidays to all
10:42 pm
December 23rd, 2011
Thanks, Barbara, for your good wishes. My own daughter is now 23 years old. I have been living with her addiction for 9 years (that I know of). Have been through things that I never thought I would see, much less in my own home. Have survived things that I never thought I could.
Forums like this one are invaluable. We need to know that there are others who are just like us. And that we all can survive.
For support, I really recommend looking for a local Al Anon group, especially if there is one that focuses on parents. If there is none near you, there are some good phone meetings and on line groups.
It’s hard to remember this all the time, but if we don’t take care of ourselves, there will be no one to help our addicted children or anyone else in our family.
Peace and strength to all.
8:02 pm
December 27th, 2011
I have a 20 year old with drug addiction and dual diagnosis of mental health. He is also facing criminal charges for using a stolen credit card. He is currently in his 4th rehab and I’ve moved him to Florida for the first time to try and remove him from this drug induced environment he keeps going back to when he leaves rehab. I feel like he needs to be in a long term environment where he can get help and begin to find himself but we only get 28 days and then he is out on his own. I’m hoping that moving him to Florida away from all his “toxic friends” will help him, but I know I won’t be able to keep him there forever…. I just can’t do this anymore with him, it’s been two years and I’m exhausted… any advice as it’s more than just drugs!
3:30 am
December 28th, 2011
Michele,
If you haven’t looked into Covenant House in Orlando, it may be an option as they have a young adult residential program.
Hope this helps.
6:02 am
December 28th, 2011
Thank you Michele and Denise,
Wow, I know the feeling of confusion, lost, why, how could this happen, what’s going to happen and how is this going to end and how do I fix it. Unfortunately, we as parents can’t fix it-we can love, show support and try and guide-we can never remove them from toxic situations-because they are there own toxic situations-no matter where you move them to or put them into to until they want to do it themselves it won’t ever change-I have been on this path for now seriously 14 years that I know of-it could have been longer-as I age-it hastens the process-I have been through many programs, therapists, councelors, mentors, friends, doctors and exhausted my family -I can say that it does start to get better- if they truly want to change-but they are also artists of lies, theft and breaking your heart over and over again-the road to recovery is bumpery than anyone has ever been able to put into writing-wish you well-god speed
3:27 pm
December 29th, 2011
Thank you Barbara, the line you wrote about being an artist of lies rings so true in my mind. That I am wrapping myself around the fact that I have to stay strong and basically told him last night, you are the only one who can save yourself. It is your choice, he is regretting his decisions and wishing he would have made better choices but I kindly reminded him, I’ve heard this all before and that real changes need to be made for himself and it’s not easy. That life is not easy and all my love for him isn’t going to change that he is a drug addict and that he can make a choice but the right choice will be the one he has to live with for himself. We have had him in therapy for over 12 years for mental illness and he is a master of telling them what they want to hear. I told him, please stop apologizing to me as those are empty words, my love for you will never lessen but the bridges are burned with trust and that only his actions can rebuild or keep them like that. His Dad has never had to deal with any of this and now he’s in Florida getting a 101 on drug addiction and I see his hope and I can’t warn him, I can only tell him, look he will tell you what you want to hear, you can’t fix him… If he could be fixed by someone else I am sure I would have been successful by now, but I know only he can do this. I love him, God how I do but I can’t save him….
12:43 am
December 30th, 2011
my son is 18 and a addict is drug of choice is pills he been doing them for about 3 years we did drug programs nothing helps he almost die in january cut his arm right down to the bone wrecked every car i owned everything he say s is a lie got arrested for dui still hasn t stop steals wat ever he can when he s high wrecks the house want s to fight i am so sick over him but i m also tried he s on probation n has to drug test next month i m hoping he comes up dirty so he can t get no drugs maybe it will help i no i can t i love him so much i cry all the time i m afraid to come home i never no wat he ll b doing it is so hard
11:57 pm
January 5th, 2012
CL or Anyone, please- do you know of any good rehab program for adult males (29) yrs old? No inusrance, and my bank account has been drained down to a dollar. I get pd every 2 wks a fairly good salary, but have had to cash my 2500 ira, everything to cover bill. My son wants help -there just doesn’t seem to be alot of available resources in NE that have track record success. Nor on online unless you have 10 k to spend. I don’t. I have a dollar for us to live on for 8 days and I make too much for even food pantries. Please- make suggestions for rehab programs U might know of. This would be his 2nd time around and is also now on Methadone tx as well
8:39 pm
January 6th, 2012
I have a 22 year old daughter that has been a heroin addict for the past 3 years. She has overdosed and gone to emergency five times. The first time she overdosed she was left laying in a park after her boyfriend shot heroin in her arm, Had he not called 911 she would have died. She has lied, stolen from and manipulated us to get her drugs. We had to kick her out of the house in order to get her to even agree to try a rehab program. She finally agreed to try rehab last year and completed an in house program after 3 mos. She was healthy and seemed well, but started using again within one week. She can no longer live in my home because she has stolen so much from us. I have been told by my ex and my current husband that this happened to her because I allowed her to have too much freedom and was not a good parent while I was a single mother during her Senior year in High School. Having this on my conscious has caused me to want to do whatever I can to help fix her situation. There are so many nights I don’t sleep with worry I will receive a call that she is dead. I cry all the time when I think about her situation.I can only hope that she will reach her darkest hour and want to help herself change her life I thank you so much for sharing the 10 truths, it has certainly helped me.
1:50 am
January 7th, 2012
Hi Deb. Try searching the SAMHSA treatment directory for local treatment centers near you. You can select treatment options by state or zip code, or do a nation wide search on their database.
2:01 pm
January 17th, 2012
My son is a three time cancer survivor. Had a brain tumor when he was 6 years old. then he had AmL Luekemia about 4 years later. And another brain tumor a few years after that. Now he is 18 years old and oh my God. Hes on drugs I don’t know where he is. He was in collage and in high school. Senior Hes in trouble with the law. I struggle with getting a lawyer. He keeps on getting in more and more trouble. He says he doesn’t want my help. He says I help him to much. I know hes going to go to jail. My son is only 83 pounds. So hard to let go.
4:50 pm
January 17th, 2012
Hi Bernita. Your son is probably experiencing an incredible amount of pain, as well as neural damage to his brain from the cancer. My heart goes out to you and him, as you try your best to navigate what is best. Would a support group like Al-Anon help you?
6:19 pm
January 17th, 2012
Deb and Hope,
Deb, have you looked into any programs thru your state? There are programs that will pay for inpatient drug treatment if your son meets their criteria and is willing to go. Call your local Medicaid office for more info. You can also call your local Crisis unit, a local hospital social worker, or detox center-they will all be able to point you in the right direction. Don’t spend your last dime on treatment. You might also check with local homeless shelters-some have free programs for people who want to get better. His desire for treatment is the key here. Hope-remember, you did the best you could raising your child. You probably did a great job. Guilt and blame do NOTHING for you and your adult child. It keeps you “stuck” and unable to move forward. Counseling or Al Anon can be of great help to you. Try to keep perspective, your child is making his own choices. You have NO control over what she does now.
My daughter is now in jail-4 felonies, res burg, theft, meth possession. Stole from my elderly, frail father in the middle of the night. I found her car, saw his wallet inside and called the police. It sounds harsh, but she is now relatively safe in jail. I love this kid, but she is 26yrs old yesterday. I am not a religious person, but every day I ask God to walk with her. I also remind myself that it is out of my control. You have to let go and let God, so to speak.
12:46 am
January 20th, 2012
Just before Christmas I found out that my soon to be 18 years old daughter is drug addict. The shock, devastation, grief, scare… I am not even sure why my heart didn’t stop that night, but since then I am at lost, complete mess. There was a hint of that or this, but I guess disbelief or not wanted to admit the real problem finally found the real truth. After the initial shock I took her to doctor , who are also our Church Pastor being shame and all I told him my worries and suspicions. And truth be hold, the test showed …She is not only smoking weed, but using crystal meth, some kind of cocktail mix ,heroin and something called” Chasing the dragon” This is once a very bright child, who are Silver Champion medalist in our Province of Wrestling and went all the way to be the best 4th in the country in just short 5 month of wrestling. Who had so much potential . Big dreams….. Who used to counsel other children about drugs and all. The one who were Baptise at age of 14. Who always was so careful with money, then the steeling start, lying, coming home high…! I am a single mom on disability , did all my best to give her everything forgetting about myself. What did I do wrong? Where did I fail her?….I am total mess ! I am right now speed educating myself about drugs, desperately seeking and searching help. I am not ready or willing to wait till she heat the rock bottom as I am afraid that she wont have strength to get up or seek help. Nor I want to kick her out of house as I have no strength physical or emotional or financial to have another funeral as I am scare that will find her in ditch dead. She just come back home after 5 days of being who knows where doing who knows what. And probably will sleep again for 16-20 hours straight. I am scared to death for her well being. Where do I go from here? What do I do?
5:46 am
January 24th, 2012
I am reading your posts… it is a profoundly sad situation. My youngest is a heroin user. He has been near death 3 times, that I know of. He watched his father die and has not let him go. My son turned his back on his children 2 years ago. He is 24. I heard that he uses DMT. He is homeless and far away from me. I found out my other son is using heroin also. He is a motocross racer and has severe damage to his spine and hip. He has had multiple concussions and has brain damage.
He is 26. My son’s fiance` called to tell me that he admitted to using the drug. Both held their father in high esteem though he was a hard drinker and could be quite brutal. My youngest has brought up suicide many times, my 26 yo. has only recently brought it up. They don’t speak to each other very often. I have checked the local community to seek help, but the resources are depleted due to
spike in need. I am numb, and do not feel well as I have recurring C-Diff. I have enabled them both to my own detriment. I know that both are in tremendous pain emotionally and physically. I am numb and probably a bit stunned. Thank you for listening.
11:28 am
January 31st, 2012
The stresses of society is why some of these young people turn to drugs and yet society can not find it in their hearts to help them.
I also have a destructive son who just seems to want to do nothing other than take drugs. He wont listen to any guidance from me (which is extremely frustrating) and yet I cant go anywhere for help either as these so called ‘experts’ keep saying, he needs to want to help himself before we will help him. So he just keeps on wasting away. Oh dear is this the society we want? I feel so powerless.
6:37 pm
January 31st, 2012
So very hard, it does seem like a waste to see our beautiful children with so much life in them go down this path, right now my son got out of his 4th rehab started back on the drugs again and now we have him in a sober living facility, he seems to be doing well but again, he has to want to get better… I know that is hard to hear but if he could do it with all I’ve tried he would have been clean already but he said I just can’t say NO…. now he is just starting his first step in the 12 steps, which is the first time he has done that even after the 4 times in 30 day rehab! So maybe he wants it now? I don’t know only time will tell and I can continue to pray for his safety and pray for all of your children as well
11:29 pm
February 7th, 2012
My heart just aches for each and everyone here. I wish I didn’t completely understand where all of you are coming from. I too am a mother of a drug addict. My beautiful boy will be 22 next week. He began smoking weed and drinking at 12 years old. Through the years the pills made their way into his life. Now at almost 22 he’s a hard core opiate addict. We ALWAYS practiced tough love and ALWAYS made him accountable for his actions knowing that eventually the consequences would someday take their toll. We approached the whole situation with our eyes wide open. He was kicked out of our home years ago, but he always had some other family believing his tales of being brought up in a horrible home with terrible parents. Someone was always there to rescue him because they believed his drug induced lies, they felt so badly for him and it did nothing but cause his addictions to escalate. Here we are all these years later with our pockets much emptier and our son is none the better for it. We all wish, hope, & pray their “rock bottom” would come much sooner rather than later. Knowing that one day or night we will get a knock at the door or the phone will ring that our precious children are either in jail or dead is something we all live with every minute of every day. All the while alanon/naranon is telling us this is a disease, I don’t buy it. If addiction is a disease then we all have it. Everyone is addicted to something, shopping, food, smoking, sex etc. etc. God knows we’ve been around the block for many years when it comes to drug addiction. We’ve read all the books, done all the research. I just can’t swallow the fact that substance addiction is no different than having a legidimate disease like diabetes. I AM powerless to stop this, but my son is not. He has the ability to stop this so called disease. The people with diabetes can not. I love my son with every cell of my body and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to make it all better. But, all I can do is wait patiently and let my child find his own way and give it over to God.
5:00 am
February 13th, 2012
Linda, no he does not have the power to stop this, it is a disease just like all others. Do you really in your heart believe that this is what he wants from his life and think that he really wants to hurt you and your family- you are his life line-you have to keep fighting and believing in him-if you give up so will he
5:16 pm
February 13th, 2012
We have forced our son to rehab through interventions, threats etc. We just couldn’t live with the fact that he was killing himself and we could not sit idly by and do nothing to stop it. Big lesson, it did nothing but empty our pockets. We would set up sober living and he would refuse to go. Once out of rehab he was back to the same old destructive behaviors. It took us years and thousands upon thousands of dollars to finally learn that no one can help Jake except Jake himself. He is 6’4″ and can’t weigh anymore than 120 lbs. He looks like a walking corpse. He is virtually homeless, sleeping from couch to couch with so-called friends. His unemployment checks will stop coming soon. We KNOW he cannot last much longer. Still, he has not hit the point of surrendering. Not forcing him into rehab once again doesn’t feel right in the heart. Although, my rational brain tells me he has to want to get clean and stay clean himself. It is a good possibility that I will loose my child before he surrenders. We are desperate people and there is nothing we can do with our desperation except trust in God. I know all of you know the feeling. God Bless each and every one of you.
4:28 am
February 14th, 2012
i’m glad to know that i am not alone in this my daughter is a drug addict who has stolen from our home hurt her family with lies you’re stories help me see there are more out there like me who need help dont know what will happen now hope she sees this is not the way
2:39 pm
February 14th, 2012
My beautiful 28 year old daughter is a Meth addict. She started using at age 16. I thought she had beat this 7 years ago. Just found out that no..in fact she had just gotten very good at hiding it. the jobs lost..always something. No money, ?? Her husband of 3 years left her, lost yet another job. So many lies that have come to light…
she just left a 7 day rehab/depression clinic. she left happy, alert and ready to beat this. Well within 3 days out..i am seeing what i think are the same signs..of using again. The stories are not adding up..
I took her to the grocery store, bought some food, stopped and put gas in her car and armed her with 3 packs of smokes. could i loan her 20? No I said, I am sorry but no cash will be given to you, need food I am there.
then yesterday, just 2 days after I saw her, she is crying on the phone. Hates herself, her life..all of it. I said call your group..talk to someone? She siad to me..i can’t i screwed up and I can’t. Then hung up..I called back..she said to me. Mom i love you it is me i don’t love and to please leave her alone.
OMG..just don’t know now what to do. My husband says leave her be..let her work this out. How can i leave my only daughter in dispare like this.
does anyone know..
I am just
10:10 pm
February 14th, 2012
Has anybody had any success with Toughlove? I am attempting to enforce this on my son at the moment and was wondering whether someone had a positive experience from using this strategy?
11:43 am
February 15th, 2012
does anyone else feel this lost? this ..how can I say it…like I am in a pit with no way out?? I feel like I have lost who I am with all of the ups and downs of dealing with a addict. The drama, the lies, no sleeping…will this be the day she either OD’s, Kills herself out of drepression or is arrested?? Seems like all the joy is gone from my life, only worry and concern left!
I am just so tired..so worn out.
6:13 pm
February 15th, 2012
Lynda,
We’ve been practicing “tough love” for years. In theory I think it would work wonders. Although, EVERYONE has to be on the same page. For them to hit rock bottom they have to of lost everything and everyone (so they think). Our problem is wishy-washy grandparents and some old family friends (not friends anymore obviously). They all agree to the plan of action, then when things get really bad they come and rescue him time and time again. Right now we’re going through it with Grandma. Our son is calling saying he is cold, hungry and homeless and he needs help. She cannot help herself and gives him money (how dumb can she be?). He plays her big time. I see him posting on facebook and he doesn’t even have a computer, or anything else for that matter. Obviously, he’s not homeless. He just wants money for drugs.
For tough love to work everyone that otherwise would help him MUST be on the same page. Consistency is the key. Make your set of rules for yourselves and stick to them no matter what. Some families are stronger than others. Apparently, my son’s grandmother as well as those old family friends will not be happy until my son kills himself through his drug use. I hope this helps. God bless you.
5:43 pm
February 16th, 2012
My dtr stopped by yesterday-she is not supposed to come to my home, but she did anyway. She looked so awful, skinny, skin color not right, so sick looking. She also looked like she was under the influence of something (she is a meth addict, alcoholic, and other drugs). She of course denied using-so I sent her away. I felt ill that day. It is better if I don’t see her. To those who are just starting out on this awful journey-get a counselor, a good one. They will help you find your own way to set boundaries and deal with the guilt. Guilt does no one any good. Talk to others, you’d be surprised how many people have similar stories. Don’t spend your last dollar on treatment-it is unlikely to help. The addicts themselves are the ONLY ones who can make a change. As parents, we are powerless. I tell my dtr I love her, and I will stand by her, but the rest is up to her. I have become sort of emotionally distanced over the years. A person cannot live being in that emotional turmoil all day, every day. The best thing you can do is get help yourself, become educated about addictions (and ways the addict will manipulate you), and stay strong. If they do get help and get better, you can then be there for them.
5:55 pm
February 16th, 2012
To the other Linda,
We all feel that loss, that waste. My suggestion is to get to some Nar Anon or Ala non meetings. There you will be taught to live a happy functional life despite our drug or alcohol addicted loved ones. There we are taught not to create a crisis, but to also not prevent one from happening. It is not a magic bullet, but it somehow makes our lives manageable. Please LInda, find the joy that does exist in your life again by going to the meetings. 1 meeting will not even scratch the surface. Stick to it and eventually you begin to see that life during and after drug abuse is possible. I did. That doesn’t mean I am not worried, scared and disappointed, it just means I know what to do with those feelings now. Linda B.
7:14 pm
February 16th, 2012
Linda,
I understand how hard it is, I can tell you that I see a therapist every week and she helps me to let go a little bit of that fear. It’s a hard thing to love your child with all your being but cannot save him/her. I want to fix his problems but I know he’s an adult now, there isn’t a band aid and kiss on the booboo that is going to fix this. It’s all consuming at times because you just want them to hit rock bottom, you keep waiting thinking it will be this time and he will get his life together, and yet it’s not. I can only tell you that you can love them without enabling, look for a counselor to help you or a support group… and remember that this is their choice and only they can make this right… no matter how much you want it, it will never change them. Which doesn’t mean they don’t love you, it is their own needs they are thinking about, not what we as parents need them to do!
12:19 pm
February 17th, 2012
Thank you everyone…I will do that. See about a group meeting/counselor. I know I need to do something, this is tearing me apart. I have lost all the joy I used to have for life..and just go day by day thru the motions. Work, pay bills, work and sleep.
7:58 pm
February 17th, 2012
Just when I think I’ve got it all together something big and horrible hits and I’m back in that pit again. First I go through the anger, switch to feeling sorry for myself, fear, with a little more time I convince myself that I am powerless and put it all back into perspective again. I have come to see this pattern over the years. In an odd sort of way it helps knowing what happens in what order. I am a very strong and determined woman, but sometimes it all gets the better of me. We are human. The looming question as to “why” never leaves us. Hardest part is not to let ourselves be defined by what our children are doing. Others judge us that we must of been bad parents. Our drug addicted children tell others we were bad parents so they can gain allies. When I’m in that pit I DO believe I was a bad parent. I’ve allowed my son to convince me that if it wasn’t for me that he would have a happy family. He’s convinced me as well as his grandmother that I am the evil one and that I lie about his drug use and everything else for that matter. When my sanity returns I KNOW I was a very good mother, I DID NOT cause this. I KNOW I could of been the world’s worst mother and I still wouldn’t of been responsible for his drug use. My mother in law chooses to believe a drug addict over me or her own son. We’ve never ever lied to her, but still it’s somehow easier for her to believe that I was responsible, not her grandson. It’s tough, but I will go on. I have to keep myself together for the day my son surrenders to the horrible addiction. I know that won’t be anytime soon, he’s got his grandmother in his corner. Hopefully in the meantime he doesn’t hit his rock bottom by loosing his life. Stay strong ladies. Someday your children may need you to help them kick this demon.
1:57 pm
February 18th, 2012
I want to share something with you all so you know this is not your fault! My mother is a drug addict and an alcoholic. I grew up with cocaine, pot, pills, and drinking. Trust me I had a time in high school where I was wild and felt invincible and “dabbled” in drinking and smoking pot. However I realized I wanted more in my life and I didn’t want to escape to somewhere else to deal with the pain I felt inside. Living with a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) parent who was cheating herself by escaping in this drug life. I had a very hard time growing up and as a “girl child” it was not the safest place for me to be in our family. Do not let your children blame you for their decisions now. There are a lot of people who have had crappy childhoods and have grown up into successful strong people I made a choice to go to college, I had a family early on which wasn’t planned to begin with but I am happy I have three beautiful sons 20, 18 and 15. I have been married to an alcoholic, abuser, divorced, and found the love of my life. We have been raising these boys together for 14 years in a loving, stable, drug and alcohol free home. I’ve let my son’s express themselves however they chose to in their rooms, clothing and music. My oldest son was a challenge even as a baby I knew there was something inside of him that scared me. I don’t mean scared like I was afraid of him, I mean scared like this is going to be his life’s challenges. We started counseling for him on and off since the 3rd grade. He was diagnosed with being Bipolar, ADHD and now possible BPD. He started snorting pills when he was just 15 years old, then the pot, then the drinking, then the Xanax, then huffing, then it was anything and everything he got put in front of him from cold medicine to cocaine! He has an addictive behavior and he also struggles with low self esteem and finds those accepting him to be escaping in the drugs also. I’ve been told his lies go as far back to he was born a crack baby! Should I be upset that he says that? No because I fought my demons as a teenager (never did any hard drugs) and I chose therapy and making a healthy loving home for myself. I asked for help when I was younger because I wanted more in my life and there is so much more living our own children have to do. But this is not your fault, that your child/my child are drug addicts. It is inside of them and the sooner you can separate love and guilt you will realize the demons inside of them are what they have to fight. I will support my son’s fight with every breath, as long as he wants to fight them.. what I will not do is fall into that pit with him. You can offer love as it’s unconditional, I’ve said I love you when he says I hate you! Because in those moments you may or may not see in your children they do love us… they just don’t love themselves….
11:26 pm
February 19th, 2012
I loved Michelle’s comment that no matter how much we want it, we can never change them, and that they do love us, but they don’t think about us, just themselves. I need to remember that when I am feeling upset about the situation. When I’m expending all this emotional energy worrying and fretting about her-she’s out there doing what she does, and I don’t really come into her radar until she’s in jail, homeless on the street, etc. Then it’s oh Mom, please come see me, please help me, put money on my books (which I will never do). I have lived a life without drugs or alcohol, just worked, took care of kids, helped my parents. I have a daughter who does drugs, steals, gives her body for drugs…sometimes I want to move and not give a forwarding address. In a way, somedays I just don’t care. It is too painful too care.
12:09 pm
February 21st, 2012
LRC..i know what you mean about wanted to move aways with no forwarding address.
My daughter says she is atteneding NA meetings, says she is seeing her shrink..but..maybe just too many years of lies i pray she is doing what she says. I do pray for that!
In the meantime, I did something for me yesterday. I went to my own meeting, pulled out and dusted off my daily devontional..and spend a little time relaxing just for me!
4:10 am
February 23rd, 2012
Linda,
I am so glad you did something for yourself! I know this is an addiction blog-but look at our posts-we worry, fret, feel sick, etc. for our adult children’s decisions of which we have no control. When your dtr tells you she is going to NA, seeing her psych-that is good, but I totally understand you not being too excited. You’ve probably experienced this-but my dtr will call and tell me is doing this or that (going to an AA meeting, going to enroll in school, getting a job, etc.) and gets upset when I don’t sound excited and delighted. Telling me those things are meaningless until I SEE big changes, that LAST. The rest is just talk…hard to erase years, and years of lies and good intentions that are never realized. I’ve been irritable this week in part from seeing my dtr looking so awful, lying to me…so I think it’s time for a massage or something (just for me).
11:32 am
February 24th, 2012
Well you are right…the back and forth is meaningless. and i keep getting my hopes up…my fault! My dtr signed up for a 10 day outpaient session…dealing with depression and drug addiction. Very excited about it but with the price of gas going to move into a new motel closer. I speak a lot with her ex husband, to make sure we keep each other updated and don’t let her play one against the other with lies. Well..she found out we check out the stories with each other, and of course we should. We have both been lied to and given so much money this last few years why would we not??
she got angry, almost like a child throwing a tantum..hates him, hates me..wants nothing to do with us! Is not going to go to her therapy..why should she as she said she was doing it for us anyway.
All i could reply yesterday in as calm and a voice as i could…is honey know I love you. The therapy is for you, not for me. It is a way, a start for you to create a happy drug free life for you. I am sorry you hate me, sorry you don’t want to talk to me again..just remember I love you.
Whew…lots lots more went on..but you get the idea. So yet another night of no sleep, did she go check into the motel or did she go use? Is she safe, dipped to 22 degrees last night with snow coming..is she warm? All the thoughts and concerns going thru my head right now.
BUT..i will leave her alone, i will let her find a way. And this TOUGH LOVE is the hardest thing in the world i have ever done!!!
12:16 pm
February 27th, 2012
DTR totaled her car on Friday night. She caused the accident. Was she ‘high’ she says no. Saturday spent most the afternoon with her yelling at me because i would not drop what i was doing and take her to the tow yard. She needed things out of car and NOW. Finally took her saturday evening..my god if the car is any indication of her mind..total mess. Old food, wet clothes, trash and more trash!
Got her things, back to motel and visited for a bit. She is starting the 10 day out patient program for drugs/depression on Monday.
Sunday afternoon..get many many texts..can’t live anymore, taking all my pills, good bye mom..and so on and so forth.
Then sunday night the phone calls start. I don’t care, don’t love her. She can’t be alone anymore, please come and visit with her.Crying, screaming, pleading, begging…acting like a 3 yr old. NO I said..you need to just calm down and work thru this, you have phone number of NA, of the emergancy mental health line. Make some phone calls..talk to them. I am not running over there to hold you hand.
So she ended up walking over the the place she starts therapy with monday am..they were not quick enough in helping her so she walked out. They and thank goodness, called the local PD and she was escorted back. Last i heard from her, she was being admitted.
this was so hard..this weekend. She needs to accept the help, quit fighting it all. The drugs, the depression, the mental problems…all of it
all i can do i pray, and try to keep my own sanity together. I know in my brain i am doing the right thing, know i was a good mom..and none of where she is at is my fault. But in my heart???? cracking that is for sure.
4:05 am
February 28th, 2012
Oh gosh Linda, reading your post I can almost literally feel the pain. What I think when I read this is you know your daughter could be gone when you get up the next morning. When I say gone I mean dead. People who aren’t/haven’t gone through this are shocked when you say these things, but it is the truth, and you’ve come to know it everyday. The reality of how close we are to saying goodbye is right there, all the time. It doesn’t mean we feel no hope, there is hope, just a little. When I read your post, I can feel that you are right in the middle of something you have no control over-you just get to feel all the pain, fear, and desperation. You could go get her, take care of her for the night, but what would that accomplish? They are so good at using us, at pulling at our love for them to get what they want. I usually stay somewhat disassociated from my feelings, but there are times when I feel that kicked in the stomach feeling. Sometimes I get a sudden feeling that she is dead. I am happiest when she’s in jail. My dtr is sick I know. But I also know that she chose this path, she chooses to keep walking this path-unless she takes another path, life will continue this way, until something horrible happens. Linda, I think your heart isn’t cracking anymore, but is just broken. I wonder if the best thing we can say to our drug addicted kids is “no” to any request, unless it is a request to drive them to inpatient rehab.
3:26 pm
February 29th, 2012
Yes LRC it is a daily thought in my mind..is this the day she kills herself. Between the moods of Meth Addiction and the severe depression I wonder. she hates herself, hates what she has done and in a small way I am sure hates the pain she has caused everyone, me her husband, her friends.
I get nightly texts how lonely she is, scared and can’t be alone. No reason to get out of bed let alone live.
so yes every morning i wake up wondering is this the day I get the phone call from the PD?
The facility released her sunday at midnight told her to come to sessions on monday am. She never made it her Therapy on monday. Tuesday she said she went but was 6 mins late, they told her she must make a commitment to wanting the help to be on time.so they sent her home. Is this the truth..who knows.
this am she did text me and said well it is 8:55 i am here and heading into the session.
I am still sticking to my tough love actions, right or wrong they are what I can live with (I hope)..I will make plans with and follow up with those plans. But I will not drop everythng and run when she crys, I will not let her run my life and i will not be at her beck and call. I will give her groceries,but never cash.
My heart is broken, my stomach in knots all the time. My husband is not speaking much to me right now, upset with the situation. (she is his step daughter) So I have never felt more alone in my life.
But I keep plugging along doing what I can to survive and pray daily that she survives and comes out on the sunshine side of it all. But the thought never leaves me..will she?
3:03 pm
March 1st, 2012
Seems like we are all struggling, my son just got put back into acute treatment to detox and now they are looking for a long term facility that will work with him on what he gets for social security disability. He agreed to do a 90 day program, but who knows if that will work… he’s doing spice now at his “recovery” house so he was kicked out…. Never a dull moment
11:52 pm
March 1st, 2012
Linda,
Sounds like you’ve set some good boundaries with your dtr. I don’t think outpt therapy works too well. My understanding is meth addicts need more like a year of inpatient/residential. And of course depression comes with not using meth, and will last a long, long time so that has to be dealt with too. I don’t think I could handle my dtr calling or texting every day like that-I would ask her to stop. Why go thru that agony every day? I rarely talk to my husband about my dtr anymore-she is also his stepdtr and he doesn’t have much connection to her. She’s not allowed to come to our house (although she hasn’t always honored this request), so he doesn’t see her.
What a terrible thing to feel so alone…anyone you can reach out to? Of course there’s Alnon, but a good counselor can be very helpful. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger right?
9:38 pm
March 2nd, 2012
Linda, wow I also feel your pain. My daughter is 22 and has been going through the drug court program the past year for a heroin felony charge and has been in and out out of jail and rehab for the past 3 years. She was recently sentenced to a Half Way house to stay there until there was a bed available at a rehab center for patients with no insurance and she is now AWOL from the Half Way house. They called me Monday looking for her, she was suppose to drive to her court review and never showed up. She did text me that night to tell me she was OK. I told her to turn herself in as they already had issued a warrent for her arrest, but I got no response back. I have been an enabler, I have always helped her when she asked mainly because I feel so bad for her living this terrible life. But as this goes on, I learn and realize I am only doing her harm. She can’t stay in our home, she has stole money, cameras, video games from her little brother, even my husband’s wedding ring. It’s a terrible journey for any parent to have to endure. But the best advice I feel that I have heard from these postings are to love and encourage your loved one to get help and treatment but don’t enable them to use and to always have hope that some day they will get better. You also need to try to remove yourself from the situations they cause by their drug use, the car wreck towing company fees, bank overdrafts fees, putting money on their jail card so they can make calls – what was I thinking?? My husband always says to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. God Bless all of you.
2:02 am
March 3rd, 2012
Michelle,
What is Spice?
6:19 am
March 3rd, 2012
Just one of the top jwh brands…..trust me/seic with original
and now i spend cold lonely nights w/o my fiancee. jwh made him a zombie
8:29 am
March 3rd, 2012
Spice is legal bud, synthetic marijuana, in our state it’s illegal but still legal in many states, you can buy at smoke shops and gas stations.
6:19 pm
March 5th, 2012
well i would love to once just say things were calm..but…wishes are just that, wishes!
Saw Dtr on thursday night, thing seems to be okay. then sunday we were supposed to do a few things, drive her to storage..
she called..can we do it later or maybe just come over and hang out, I did not have a good night she said. Okay…well i go over.
She had cut up her arms very badly..one that should have gotten stitches. Said she just got so down and only thing that makes her feel better..cutting or getting high. so mom aren’t you proud of me i did not get high??
came home and just cried and sobbed! My husband of course gets upset with me when i get upset over my daughter…but..guess i have not developed that heart of steel yet?!!!!
But I am working very hard at putting that distance between me and the results of her..car accidents, bills she did not pay, paying for things she ‘needs’..
I mentioned a long term drug/mental health facility I hear promising things..NO WAY is what I got. So ..she will need to go thru this alone.
but most of all..I want to thank you..thank you for this site, for your stories, for listening to me and giving me a place to put down all the pain i am feeling…for helping me know it is NOT my fault and I am NOT along. Thank you all ….
7:54 pm
March 5th, 2012
Linda,
Soooo tough. All of our stories are different, but in the end just the same. I doubt very seriously if any of us truly develop that heart of steel. These are our children and we love them no matter what. We would have to hate to have that heart of steel I think. All we can do is put our faith in our God as we know him. The burden is too great to endure without that, at least for me.
Easier said than done, but please try not to let this consume you. You still have a life to live despite the actions of your daughter. We are all here for a purpose and if we’re consumed with our children’s poor choices then we cannot fulfill our purpose. As for me, I give back to my community and country through charity work. Doing for others in need helps to fill the void I feel. The void is loosing my self destructive son to drug abuse and being helpless to save him. That’s not to say that I don’t fall into the pit of despair every now and then. Naranon and alanon meetings do help A LOT as well.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
8:16 pm
March 5th, 2012
Linda-oh my gosh, the stories on this post are so awful. I can only imagine your dtr wanted you to come over to “see” the cutting she had done. Why else? I don’t know much about cutting, but I do know it adds to the difficulty of the problem. I am so sorry you are going thru this awful stuff. You never get a heart of steel, but you can learn about the addictions in a clinical manner-and keep some emotional distance at least most of the time. If you let down a little, the pain comes flooding at you and it is overwhelming-so closing that door, at least temporarily, is important to survive each day. This post has been helpful to me too-there are so many of us going thru the same things.
12:32 pm
March 9th, 2012
I wish everyone a wonderful weekend. i am praying and praying for a calm one!
11:03 pm
March 11th, 2012
Linda,
I read your posts and I know exactly how you are feeling. I have two adult sons addicted to heroin. One is in treatment for the second time. He’s been there one week now. The good thing about this time is he called the rehab, waited the 9 weeks for state funding to come through, and checked himself in. I’m hoping that since he wanted treatment this time that it will work. His brother probably needs to be there too, but he won’t admit he has a real problem. I know the anguish of fearing that phone call that says your child has died. The thought of losing one or both of my children to drugs is sometimes so unbearable that I think it may drive me crazy. All I can do is pray that they will be protected until the day comes that they can stay sober. I know how alone you feel because my sons are my husbands stepsons and he is not being supportive at all at this point, so I feel I am in this on my own. We just have to keep going, one day at a time.Sometimes one moment at a time.
6:17 pm
March 12th, 2012
Sherry,
I also have 2 sons with drug issues. One perscription drugs (hillbilly heroin), last I heard he smokes the pills. He may be shooting them up by now. And the other meth. Anyone who has not walked in our shoes just can’t understand the roller coaster nightmare we’re going through. My meth addicted son I rarely hear from. The other keeps us going constantly. One day he wants nothing whatsoever to do with me and the next he’s saying, “Mommy I love you”. The Mommy I love you part always comes first because he wants something from me. The end of our conversations always end up with Mom I hate you, F U, name calling etc. because I am not giving him what he wants. He spends so much of his energy trying to gain allies. The way he does that is to tell people incredibly horrible things about us. They feel sorry for him because he’s got such terrible parents. Before you know it he’s got people hooked into supporting him. His latest ally is his 82 year old paternal grandmother. Now my mother in law believes I am the devil himself. After 35 years of being nothing but good to her and never ever lying to her in any way, she believes a drug addict over me. CRAZY! Granted, my son is so charming and convincing. He’s a master manipulater. Our oldest non drug using son is in disbelief that other family members would actually believe that we were bad parents. I fully understand why they call this a “family disease”. Over the years of our 2 son’s drug addictions has completely ripped our families apart. Even if both my boys were clean tomorrow the scars left behind can never be repaired. If our son’s die from this they will all blame us for not supporting them and we will blame them for supporting them. We have any trust as well as respect we may of had in our extended family members. It’s just horrible.
12:32 am
March 13th, 2012
My 20 yr old son just got out of his second rehab since Nov. He is a heroin addict among other drugs. He seems to be ok now. He got a job and went to one NA meeting the day after he got out of rehab. Now he doesn’t want to go to the meetings because he says they are depressing and he wants to put it all behind him. I have people telling me since he lives here I should make a rule that he go to meetings and others tell me it has to be his decision. I don’t know who to listen to. I’ve started going to AlAnon but am new to the program. Any advice would be appreciated.
5:06 am
March 13th, 2012
Hi Marisa and All,
I wanted to weigh in here. You might want to set up a “contract” with your son. You’ll need to create limits for what he can and cannot do while staying with you. And then consequences for breaking those limits. If he uses again, for example, he also loses the privilege of staying in your home.
You can think of it like you are operating a halfway house, if you choose: creating a structured environment for his recovery. You can drug test weekly. You can require that he go to meetings, either 12 step, or psychological treatment, or self help programs like Rational Recovery or SMART Recovery. There is more to addiction recovery than 12 step. Some halfway houses or aftercare settings require daily attendance at meetings. You’ll need to decide what structure is best, and stick with it.
The contract can also outline rewards for clean time.
Just some ideas here. Please let me know if you would like more.
Best,
Lee
5:08 am
March 13th, 2012
Marisa,
My son went to meetings right after rehab as well. He said the same exact thing as your boy did, they are depressing. He also said he had all the tools from rehab that he needed and he could do it all without the meetings. Guess what……………very soon after he was right back to using again. So much for he knew what he needed to do. I think the meetings give them support from people who REALLY understand them. The support of a sponsor gives them that 1 on 1 that they so desperately need. In my opinion, living in your home, meetings should be the most important criteria for being able to live with you. Just my opinion.
Linda B
12:27 pm
March 13th, 2012
Lee & Linda,
Thank you for the helpful comments. I’ve just got to be stronger with my decisions. My son has always been very sweet and loving, even when he is using which makes it all the harder to say no. Hopefully by attending more AlAnon meetings and reading more on this subject I’ll get stronger. I just finished a great book “Setting Boundaries with You Adult Children”. Now if I can do what I know I should. Again, thank you for your opinions. They back up what I know to be true in my heart.
Marisa
1:59 pm
March 13th, 2012
I had one of my sons drug counselors tell me that he could not think of one person who got sober or stayed sober at home – atleast in the beginning. Out of rehab they need to be in a halfway house. Of course there is relapse there too, but there is accountability there that will not exists at home. You may think you will set boundaries, but as their parent we give in too easily, the house manager or owner won’t be that easy on them. They know that one person using puts everyone in the house in danger. My oldest that has been in rehab for 9 days now wants out now that he has finished detox. I said no I won’t pick you up. He may find someone to some get him, but it won’t be me. They will never get better if we don’t start saying no and mean it.As far as meetings, some are better than others so they may have to look around. Also, most of the treatment centers have outreach meetings in many cities which are more like the small groups that they attended during treatment. They can just talk in these meetings about whatever they need to talk about. Check with all the treatment centers in your state and see if they have an outreach program in your area. My sons like those better than NA, also check on Opiates Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous – there are many groups, they just need to find one they like.
2:20 pm
March 13th, 2012
Linda,
I’m so sorry for all you are going through with your family. No, it is not fair and you don’t deserve the treatment you are getting. It is a heartbreaking sorry and I will pray for you and your family daily. I’m not sure about the hillbilly heroin, but if it’s oxycontin, the formula was changed a while back making it impossible to shoot. If they try and get it to a liquid state to shoot, it turns into a sticky substance. This change was made to keep people from shooting it. This was the time when heroin starting becoming more popular. So, be cautious, mine told me it was oxy for a while, when it was actually heroin. They thought oxy sounded better. I don’t want to scare you, just prepare you.I will pray for the best. My heart goes out to you.
4:40 pm
March 13th, 2012
Marissa,
Just my opinion here…you son needs to go to the meetings, but it is his decision. It is important that he have support, but he needs to do the work, you can’t do it for him. After years of trying to help my dtr, I am now of the opinion that they “own” this disease. It is kind of like diabetes-you can put all the healthy choices on their plate, teach them about managing their blood sugars, but ultimately it is up to them to follow the treatment plan. Going to the meetings for your son is part of the treatment plan. He is making excuses to not go. My dtr’s excuse is that she is not believe in God. So, she would rather destroy herself than believe in a higher power-ridiculous. It is an excuse. I would agree with Linda, set boundaries and stick to them. Best wishes, Lorraine
8:37 pm
March 13th, 2012
I agree he needs to go to meetings. He became a born again christian when he was 15 yrs old, so I know he believes in God. I’ve asked him to go to a Celebrate Recovery meeting with me tonight. He said he would. It is christian based. He’s been to several NA meetings in the past and even got a sponser but has lost interest in the place. I’m praying he will be comfortable at the new place. Thank you to everyone for the feedback. Please keep him in your prayers!
11:32 am
March 14th, 2012
LRC, You were so right about his decision and him doing the work. We went to what I thought was Celebrate Recovery (the place I picked) and it had changed to something different. Much older people with completely different issues. I need to focus on setting those boundaries at home as Linda said and stick to them! I’m still a work in progress, living and learning!
2:56 pm
March 14th, 2012
Been reading the above from all of you…and like listening to myself.
My daughter after the last 7 day rehab went to one NA meeting (drepressing) and to only one group thereapy session (boring) and refuses to go to one on one.
She is now moving out of the motel, just too expensive she says into a room with a freind of hers. They are so cool, and like family mom!
LOL..except he rents rooms in the basement as crash pads…
Her ‘best’ friend is a recreational meth addict she says..
But she will be just fine, she knows what she has to do to stay clean.
I pray it will work, but doubt it. to me I am just hearing another one of her fairy tales that i don’t beleive!
1:49 pm
March 15th, 2012
Sherry, I am going to encourage my son to look for other outreach programs. If he doesn’t do it, should I look for him? He has been clean for 40 days and is working now,(something he has not done for more than a few days in the past). As you said about setting boundaries, I think I can but always give in way too easily. Hopefully AlAnon and prayer will help me to be stronger. It is so hard when you love them so much!
2:51 pm
March 15th, 2012
Marisa, I know they always say the addict has to do it for themselves,and maybe it is wrong, but I think I would look for the outreach programs myself. So happy to hear your son has been sober for 40 days.I know the programs work if the addict does the work. One of my sons was doing great about a year ago as long as he sayed in the program but as soon as he stopped working the program he went right back to using. I know he still is using. He says not much but I think they probably about twice what they say they do. My other son checked himself into rehab on March 3 but they checked himself out after 10 days. He said he was finsihed with detox and that’s all he needed. He thinks he can do this on an outpatient basis. We all know he can’t. So tired of all of this, sure would love to get my life back. I guess I said all of that to say this. Don’t give an inch. Set the boundaries and stick to them. If you don’t think you can do it with him living at home then get him in a halfway house. If you give in just a little it will be out of control in a heartbeat. You’re so right, it is so hard when we love them so much. We only have to make sure we do not love them to death.
3:15 pm
March 15th, 2012
Linda
We are all in the same situation it seems. Their fairy tales are our nightmares!
Lee,
I’m leary of setting up a contract of boundaries because I feel like I won’t stick to it and make things worse. Maybe when I feel stronger. I’ve read a whole book on it and prayed everyday for the strength to say no to him, but I still give in. So far he is doing well and drug free but I live in constant fear he will use again.
3:45 pm
March 15th, 2012
Hi Marisa. It sounds like you have some self-awareness about what you can do and cannot do. And that is healthy.
Perhaps if you cannot set the limits, find a halfway house that can. I was in treatment for 30 days, and then stayed in a halfway house for 9 months. 12 step meetings and weekly psychological group therapy was mandatory. I could not go home because I was already an adult and did not want to live in the dysfunction of my parent’s lives. So, a halfway house really helped me.
11:37 pm
March 15th, 2012
Sherry,
My heart and prayers go out to you for having two children to deal with. I will be looking for programs to try. He will go if I ask him to, just because he feels bad for what he has put us through. He really feels he can do it on his own but I know he needs help. If he won’t get into some program I will definitely look into a halfway house. He is doing so well now I don’t want to discourage him by sending him to a halfway house . The first sign of trouble I will have to. I would also love to get my life back!
1:22 pm
March 20th, 2012
My cousin has struggled through recovery. I finally found Freedom Farm Ministries and he seems to really enjoy it. He hasnt been there long, but seems really excited to be there. It is christian based and they keep them busy in the community it is a year long program and I found a church that would help us with the money for it. They also help them find jobs later to pay for it. Hope this helps some of you. I did alot of leg work to find help but the Lord helped me in a very short time.
1:50 am
March 25th, 2012
I’m reading through all of your stories and comments and my heart is just breaking- for all of you. 10 months ago on May 30th 2011, I lost my son to addiction. I am still searching for the same answers that all of you are. Even though my son is gone, I will not allow his death to be in vain, I will carry on to support others who are going through what we endured for 12 years. My son’s addiction began as a dependency to oxycontin following a terrible car accident when he was 19. He returned to a seemingly normal life of work, friends, etc…until the bottom dropped out at age 28 when he lost his job. HIs addiction spiraled out of control until he nearly died of a heroin overdose. He embraced rehab and was doing very, very well. We will never know why after 6 months of sobriety he chose to use heroin while in rehab and die alone in his room of a massive overdose. My prayer for each and every one of you is that you never have to experience this side of addiction. Keep fighting the fight, not just for the addict in your family but for yourselves. Find comfort and surround yourself with those you love, who you can draw strength from. God Bless you all.
7:41 pm
March 25th, 2012
Mary,
I am so, so sorry. I think this is all of our worst fears realized, I know it is my worst fear. How do you cope? How to you make sense of this? What do you do to heal? I know unless something changes, this will be the outcome for my dtr. People say to stay hopeful, and I do have hope, just enough to keep me from falling apart. Sometimes I think everything I did while raising her is meaningless, like it wouldn’t have mattered. I am so angry at times for the things she does that go against everything she was taught as a child (like stealing, shoplifting, etc., etc.) I don’t need to elaborate on the other things she likely does, most of us know too well. Thank you for sharing your story, I have so many questions for you. My wish for you is to be able to find joy again, despite this horrible tragedy.
Best wishes,
Lorraine
8:30 pm
March 25th, 2012
Mary,
I’m so sorry that you had to go through every parents nightmare. I will keep you in prayer. God Bless you!
5:26 am
March 26th, 2012
Jail is the only possible help an heroin addict has. Mandatory detox and it is not pleasant. Not at all. It is hardcore. Nobody wants to go back and most will go to great lengths so they don’t; especially if parents don’t “help” them when there inside. The inside is a very good way to hit rock bottom……….
11:02 am
March 26th, 2012
Mary,
I am so sorry to hear of the death of you Son! that is a horror none of us ever want to go thru. Thank you for your prayers and support, and I also pray for you!
I ran into a friend I have not seen in 2 years..and as always she asked about my daughter and I her son. Her son while recovering from a gunshot in Iraq, became addicted to oxycontin. I then told her of my daughter and her meth addiction. Like on here, stories are all different, and yet the same!
So much can happen in such a short time..and just goes to show no one is safe from what addiction in your family does!
My heart goes out to her, to each and everyone of you on the blog..without this blog i surely would have gone insane with it all.
I thank you, and I pray daily for you!
2:58 pm
March 26th, 2012
Mary,
I don’t think I can say anything that you haven’t already heard, I just want you to know that I too am so sorry for all you have had to go through. My heart breaks for you. I think all of us wonder ever day if this is going to be the day we get that worst of all news. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for your support of other parents that are coping with life with addicts. May God through His unending mercies grant you a peace that passes understanding and fill your life with people to hold you up and bring you comfort. I will pray for us all today.
4:51 pm
March 26th, 2012
Oh Mary, we can imagine your pain, but cannot truly understand. My deepest sympathies for you and your family.
I suppose all the questions we have as to “why??” things have turned out like they have may never be answered. I guess that’s ok. We just need to trust in God and be at peace with that. What else can we do?
Having 2 sons with addictions gives me even greater chances that I will someday receive that horrible call or open the door to the same tragedy as you have. It’s a terrible way to live knowing that at any time it could happen. You’ve realized our worst fear. Even though you are just words on a page and I don’t know you personally I honestly feel my heart breaking for you. May you find the peace that you deserve in God’s loving arms. Linda B
6:28 pm
March 27th, 2012
What Linda just wrote is so true. I will never give up hope that my son can beat this, but I am not turning a blind eye either! I fear he will be gone before me and my life as I know it will STOP…. I often have the Why’s and that is something that I am struggling with, even after all this time. I just hope there is still hope out there…. I want to hear a good story.. a story of success….. to many tragedies instead……
6:10 pm
March 29th, 2012
I have read through all of the stories on this page and my heart breaks for everyone. In our family we have lost two young men and one young lady to the drugs they chose. They all passed away wthin a year, so it has been hard on everyone in the family. All six of the parents did everything they could to help their children, but it all came down to the choices the adult children chose.
My own son started using meth in his teens. He put us through so much worry, struggle, cost us lots of money for attorneys, bail, commisary because he ended up going to prison a couple of times.
At 23 he was released from prison and moved back home. He applied for job after job but was turned down due to his felony record. We finally put him into business for himself and did pretty well for almost 7 years. He would drink a little, but no drugs. Then he hired a meth addict, and the man offered him some. One time and he was totally hooked.
Everything changed. He became violent, started stealing from us, and we kicked him out of our home. From there the drug use got worse, and he even walked away from his business.
Not sure what to do next, we were through enabling him, we went to a county sponsored program that was suppose to court order an adult into at least a diagnosis. I filled out the forms to get the court order and put down that at one time he had high blood pressure. The nurse came out and told me they couldn’t help him because of the high blood pressure. I explained that it had been more than a year since I had checked it, and since then he had lost 40 pounds on the meth, so I didn’t even know for sure he had it.
I started to argue with her because my son really needed some real help. She told me she was going to speak with her supervisor and came back with a list of 9 hospitals. She said I had to call the hospitals and if I could find a room they would help. 8 of the 9 hospitals had criteras that in no way fit a drug addicts problems, like you had to be over 65, finally the last hospital told me they had a room, however he would have to come through the emergency room. Thrilled, I ran to the reception desk and told them I had found a room, and they would take him through the emergency room,at which I was told they don’t do that. They would not take him through the emergency room. I believe one of the big problems is we, the parents of drug addicts, do not receive any help from our government communities.
My son was just arrested for drug possession of less than 1 gram of a controlled substance. Our understanding DA offered him 10 years in prison if he didn’t have a jury trial, and threatened him that he would probably get 20 if he had a trial. His court appointed attorney doesn’t act like she is going to fight for him, so I do not know what is going to happen.
I love my son so much, and I am helpless. The panic and saddness is more than I can handle. I do not understand why our court system does not see these addicts as people who need help, but think caging them like animals in gang infested prisons is the answer.
When my son isn’t on drugs he is a caring, sweet, generous, hard working young man, but the meth is stronger than he is, and pulls him in away he can not resist.
I pray all of you find peace in your situation. It is not your fault they are on drugs, it is their own choice. It is my hope that somehow they will develope a program for the addicts, and not just lock them away like animals. 12 months in a rehab prison with the help they really need would be nice.
3:53 am
March 30th, 2012
Maybe as parents we should all take a look at Jack’s post. He sounds like he has experience from the other side of our stories. Our kids are manipulative-like getting us to bail them out, put money on their books when their in jail, begging us to visit, begging us to take their calls (which are expensive from jail), begging you to let them come home because it will all be “different” from now on. Then it all start again, the lying, the stealing…putting themselves and sometimes you in danger. So Jack, I am glad you posted. My dtr will say “Mom, I’m sorry I’m a drug addict”. What a cop out-it is like me saying “well, sorry, but I’m just an enabler” and continuing the same behavior. She is responsible for her addiction, just as I am responsible for how I react to it. Love isn’t enough to battle this problem. We love them into the grave.
12:20 pm
April 8th, 2012
Easter. Just brings on the flood of memories long past! I am working today, just to keep myself busy.
Remembering my beautiful daughter…as a toddler, a young girl and even a teenager. Remembering her as she was.
I just finished Beautiful Boy, heart wrenching book and as with all the stories i hearand have read so close to home.
I saw a counselor finally last week..something i have known I needed to do, but so very scared to do it. Afraid not of being judged, not of telling this story, but of cracking the very very thin shell that keeps me together..keeps me functioning and living each day. I know with my intellegince I need to let it out, to talk to someone..but don’t want to lose control.
I will be starting attending the local Alalon meetings on Thursday nights, a dear friend and parent of a addict is going with me. Weds i start a belly dancing class..hoping i can laugh outloud for a while..the thought of 50 plus women doing this makes me smile at least.
I know i need to start taking care of myself…to stop waking each hour to check my phone and wonder how my daughter is..is she high, is safe. Today I know she is alive, as she filed her unemployment claim which gives me a little peace.
So…this is the week of those changes…most likely 2 steps forward and 1 back is what i truly expect. LIke with all of us, it is a long hard battle.
So on this Easter Day with all the memories flooding back I am doing all I can to remember this, and this is the hardest thing for me to remember..I cannot cure it, I cannot control it and most of all I did not cause it..
God Bless to all, and I am thinking of each of you today.
Linda W
6:04 pm
April 9th, 2012
Linda W.
Easter was difficult for me as well. Outside on a beautiful spring day watching our little grandson hunt for eggs brought back so many memories of Easter egg hunts done so long ago with our 3 sons in this very same place, So cute, full of life, and excited. This year only 1 son was here. I did feel some pleasure watching my son with his son. Generally my youngest son at least calls to yell at me on holidays. Nothing this this holiday. My husband asked, “would you rather be yelled at on a holiday”? I thought about it for a second and said yes. It’s so sad I’d rather be screamed at than not hear from him at all. Everyday is hard, holidays are torture.
Linda W., I love the way you explained the very thin shell and afraid of cracking it. I know the feeling, but never knew how to put it in words.
Does anyone else feel like they are mourning? I so much feel like I’m mourning 2 deaths (2 of my 3 sons). The feelings are exactly the same as if someone has died.
10:28 pm
April 9th, 2012
Linda, May God bless you also! Your decision to go to AlAnon is very good. It will help you more than you can imagine.Take care of yourself and let God take care of your daughter. He will if we turn it over completly to Him. I’ll be praying for you and your daughter!
Marisa
2:22 pm
April 11th, 2012
You are so right. Holidays are very difficult. My husband won’t allow either of our sons in our house and has refused to speak or see them for the past 3 months, so Easter was difficult. I went to lunch with my sons, my daughter and her baby went to spend the day with the baby’s dad’s family and I’m not sure what my husband did at lunch. It was just so sad for me that we couldn’t all be in the same place at the same time. I couldn’t help but think back to the times when all the kids were young and things were so different. I thought about all of you that day and said a prayer that everyone was safe and one day soon would be healed of this disease of addiction.
The thin shell analogy is also so true.. I have often thought that and that we are all holding on by a very fine thread and at any moment something could come along and snap that thread. I think that could be one reason I haven’t gone to any counseling. Afraid of snapping that thread and falling apart. It could all just unravel, and then I just don’t know.
I do think we are all in mourning. We are mourning the loss of all the hopes and dreams of what we had for our children. We are mourning the loss of the life we wanted them to have, we are mourning the loss of the child that is missing right now. We know that person is inside the addict, but we can’t reach them right now. I think we are also mourning the loss of our own life. I know I feel as though my life has been stolen from me. This is not the life I ever thought I would have. I guess it’s just one moment at a time.
Hoping everyone has a good day. Stay strong.
3:44 pm
April 11th, 2012
Thank you for writing this. I needed to read it.
My son is now 20, and has been troubled for many years. I have friends with younger children who dont understand why I made the choices I made, so I always feel that much worse of a parent, and am always going over what I did wrong. I never allowed the behavior in my home, and had him sent away as a teen for drugs and destructive behavior, – but that was harder on me then him I believe. He went to a boarding school for teens with behavioral problems, which helped both of us at the time. When he came back, as soon as he turned 18 he ran away to live with his dad. He did graduate high school, with my help and encouragement. But since has done little. He swears he will always smoke pot because it is the only thing that makes him feel better, but then falls into deep depressions. His dad died in his sleep a few months ago at the age of 43. He had lived a life of drugs, fighting and excess drinking. My son remained at that residence, because he didnt want to stop smoking pot to move back home with me. My friends dont understand how I could make that choice. As if it is not hard enough, they try to get me to see that I should let him back home, but they dont understand how awful it is when he is there. Which makes me question every decision I have made even more. Which makes me go over and over in my head – where did I go wrong? And what is wrong with me that I wont let him back home like this?
Yesterday I was in the middle of oral surgery at the dentist, and I was pulled out of my chair by the secretary at the dentist office. My husband told me to get to the local hospital ASAP. He asked if I could drive. I said I could if he just didnt tell me what was going on. I knew just from what hospital he told me to go to something happened to my son. So I drove not knowing if he was alive or dead. He was alive, thank God. He had ingested over 30 pills, and was found in the basement of the home where he is staying unresponsive. He was open to going into the crisis center, but when I asked him about his drug use, he sees no connection, and doesn’t understand why I suggest he stop.
I dont know what to do anymore. How do you let go? I cant, and I dont think that is the right answer. So I looked on the internet and found your words, and this is exactly what I needed to read, need to hear. I am so happy that you shared this with me, and I know it will help not only me but many others as it appears to have.
Thank you
4:02 pm
April 11th, 2012
Sherry (and everyone),
We are definitely mourning. My dtr called from jail the other day-I hand’t heard from her for several weeks so I was relieved she called. I am so happy she is in jail. Since she got out of jail in Feb she has just been doing lots of drugs (meth, alcohol, etc.), stealing and who knows what else. So she got caught shoplifting, was found to be driving a stolen car with stolen items in it. Another felony. It is frustrating they keep letting her out. So it sounds weird that I’m happy she’s in jail right? Not to people like us. You mentioned you are afraid of counseling-I definitely recommend you find a good counselor and go, it can be a tremendous help. There is a bood called “When our Grown Kids Disappoint Us” (recommended by my counselor). It would be good to read. We mourn the loss of what we’d hoped for our kids. Lately I’ve been finding humor in this whole thing; if you look you can actually find humor in a sort of twisted way. Can’t cry about it all the time. Just have to let it go and give it to God. And counseling-it helps.
4:06 am
April 12th, 2012
It helps so much to communicate with others who fully understand what we’re going through. nar anon, al anon, this venue etc. are a huge sources of support. Friends and family who have never walked in our shoes just can’t understand this horrible life that we live everyday, They call this a family disease, oh boy do I get that. Throughout both of my son’s addictions it has torn our families completely apart. Seems like everyone has an opinion and everyone is so quick to point the finger at us as parents. It’s a nightmare of a life all the way around. Although, when we take control of our emotions and give it all up to God we can have a happy and productive life despite the nightmare that looms in the background. If we don’t do that then drugs destroy us as well. God gave everyone free will and he will not take it away. Our children must exercise their free will to rid themselves of this demon just as they exercised their free will to get in this mess in the 1st place. Unfortunately, no one can do it for them.
God Bless each and every one of you.
Linda B.
12:25 pm
April 12th, 2012
Linda B. How true your words are! It is a big step to give it all to God, but the best one you can take. Thank you for sharing. God Bless you and everyone going through this nightmare.
12:17 pm
April 15th, 2012
Just want to say……I am so grateful for this blog, a place where we can all go to express our feelings, our condolences and give support to those who are experiencing the living hell that no one other than the loved one of an addict can truly understand. THANK YOU ALL for your kind words of hope and support following my story which was posted on 3/25. Linda asked: how do I cope? the love of family, friends and my faith for sure. Michelle, I hear you! How about some stories of encouragement! I have one: 40 year old husband, father and heroin addict. Hit his “rock bottom” at a family get-to-gether where he od’d in front of his wife and kids. He is now 2 years clean, has recently begun to share his story with others in hopes to provide light and encouragement to those who are suffering from addiction. I pray everyday that our loved ones can realize a life free from this horrible disease. Bless you all, be well.
9:38 pm
April 15th, 2012
I feel somewhat better that I found this blog…..I sometimes feel that I am the only one going through this…and I so blame myself……My husband and I were good parents… not the best parents but I know we weren’t the worse by any means….It seens that all around us have children who are doing well and succeeding and it just reinforces my anguish….
5:44 am
April 17th, 2012
Pam,
Even if we were the world’s worst parents it would not justify our children’s actions. Example: my daughter in law was brought up by addicted parents who neglected their children, used their children’s ss#’s to get credit and didn’t pay (these kid’s credit was ruined before they were 13 years old), dumped their kids off on anyone who would take them, the parent’s drug addict friends raped their children……..I could go on and on. My point is my daughter in law is the most wonderful young woman, mother, and wife. She was smart enough to know that she did not want to be like her parents. This poor girl was raped, neglected, and didn’t have the bare necessities in life growing up. She took the bull by the horns and took control of her own life and became a beautiful woman inside and out. Then, there’s people like us who gave our children nothing but love and support (maybe too much) and we have children who are just a mess. If my daughter in law grew up to be like her parents she would at least have an excuse. What’s our kid’s excuse? That we weren’t perfect? I say, fooey on that.
It took me quite some time before I stopped blaming myself for my son’s addictions. Although, my addicted sons still blame me. I don’t listen to that anymore, it doesn’t get to me. I KNOW that I was a more than adequate mother. None of us are perfect, but my sons never endured anything earth shattering other than me giving the normal, run of the mill discipline and setting boundaries.
Pam, please rise above it all and see it for what it really is. This is not your fault. Your child’s choices are just that, your child’s choices. Do not take responsibility for their actions. This is the hand we were dealt. It’s horrible, devastating, embarrassing, and most of all heartbreaking. As terrible as it is we NEED to make choices as well. Make the choice to have a good and productive life despite our children’s addictions and our helplessness to fix it. Giving it over to God will take the weight of the world off your shoulders.
Mary, thank you for that wonderful story. Stories like that give us all hope that someday our nightmares may be over.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you ladies.
Linda B.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
11:30 am
April 17th, 2012
Linda……oh I do pray lots and I thank you for your words……
5:56 pm
April 18th, 2012
I just finished reading through all of these posts, and am so happy I took the time to. Sadly, I no longer feel alone. My son, after OD’ing last Tuesday, allowed himself to be committed to a psych eval. He then had a change of attitude and decided not to participate. They wanted to put him back on meds to moderate his behavior, and he decided he didn’t want to – started arguing with him, so they released him. He has since decided he is fine. I know many of you have much stronger drugs, but he is very depressed – has always had a chemical imbalance has always self medicated with pills and pot, which makes him feel worse, so he self medicates more… When he did live at home, I wound up crying every night, and my husband, his step father, has already said no matter what he is never allowed back. He would fight, scream, destroy things. All the same things you all have been through I am sure. And yes he is a sweet kid also – and its so hard to not see him as a child still. So in your stories I recognized so much – the cursing at the end of the conversation if it doesnt go his way, the worry, the phone calls. I thought for sure after being brought back to life it would be a wake up call for him. I do still pay for his phone because I want to know he is alive, but I dont know if thats worse because I get all those calls, I need help, dont you love me, I dont want to live anymore, my life is your fault. The good news for all of you? Every years I am sure I have the Worst Mom of the Year Award wrapped up. It is like eggshells that you try not to crack, I totally relate to that. If I yell and tell him to grow up, no one wants to go to work everyday, life is tough – is that going to be the one thing that sets him over the edge? Will that be what kills him? Will those be the last words I ever say to my son?
@Sherry – I like what you said about how we are all in mourning – we are.
Thank you all for sharing so much – you have to understand this has been a big help for me. I have been going through this with my son for 6 years.
4:44 am
April 19th, 2012
My son is a fugitive, felon heroin addict. The police and us marshals have come several times this week. I don’t know if he’s alive. I do know that angry dude needs professional help. God bless you all. (even a.d.)
11:54 am
April 19th, 2012
Camille,
I know how it feels for them to ‘hit bottom’ well in your mind it is hit bottom. Say they want help, beg for the help. the joy you feel..and then the pure despair when they back out. My daughter has done it so many times to me…I have lost count.
She can do it she says..can stay clean on her own. Does not need NA, one on one therepy non of it! So as of today, she is 30 days sober..do i celebrate. NOPE..i am sure even tho i pray it will not happen that in time she will start using again. She takes her meds for depression, but just how long will that last. Many many suidide attempts over the years….
Like you , i pay her cell phone. Only contact i have and only way of knowing she is alive. Even when i do not hear from her I can check the activity on the phone. My mother and Husband both tell me to stop..to stop paying that. I just cannot do that yet. I will not give her money, I will not let her move in, I will not run and hold her hand everytime she has a crisis. In this way I feel I am stronger and working on me. But I cannot yet turn off that phone.
I wish i could say it gets easier…just have not gotten there yet. Group meetings, therepy and this blog have helped me so much. Talking to others so i don’t feel like I am so alone..had helped most of all. Praying and knowing I have no control and her choices are just that her choices..nothing I caused. That was the eye opener for me..I am not at fault!
4:37 pm
April 19th, 2012
Camille……what you wrote?….as I read it I thought I wrote it except for a few details….
2:44 pm
April 20th, 2012
Hello all. I’ve been reading this page off and on for 9 months. Off when I myself was in denial about my sons addiction. My son is currently in jail for larceny/using a stolen credit card. In July of 2011, he flipped a car i had just bought for him (2 months after high school graduation) Car burned down to the ground. Called from police station and told they were waiting for blood alcohol to come down. I thought he was drunk. Boy, was I wrong. When I picked him up – 12 hours after the accident, he still was high, violent, I couldn’t believe what i was seeing. We took him home and I thought well that is a good learning experience for him. It wasn’t. The court process for that accident JUST culminated in sentencing last week – almost 9 months after the accident. Since that time, he was caught stealing from his dad’s home in December, 2012. He stole from my husband in the same month (jewelry that he pawned at pawn shop). We kicked him out, my parents took him in. In January, he broke into my parents home and stole $3000. My dad kicked him out. He said oh mom, I have learned from this experience – i want to get myself back on track. So I stupidly went broke putting him a ratty motel for two months. My dad thought he was doing better and took him back in. This past weekend, he was arrested for stealing out of my parents neighbors cars. We found 6 wallets, GPS devices, MP3 Players, you name it in his car. All the while I am saying you’re a drug addict! To which i would get angry denials – I am NOT a drug addict Mom. Get out of my business. I am 19 years old. Baby your daughter, but stop babying me. Two days later, he’s in jail. Now he’s facing a felony and I guess the next step is a rehab that I know won’t work unless he wants it to. HE called from jail and now admits to being a drug addict, but I think he wants out of jail. I don’t know how all this time I have been so gullible to believe all the lies. But i finally have smartened up. He’s been in jail since Monday, and his court date isn’t until next wednesday – so he will sit there. No bail this time. No attorney. I am really at the end of my rope. He’s ruined my marriage, our lives, HIS life. What will it take for him to wake up here? I wanted to give second chances and benefit of the doubt, but that only enabled him. I broke into his facebook. All the times he would ask me for $5 bucks for a movie? Drugs. All the time he said hey mom, could I get 10 for gas so I can get to work? Drugs. Where is the kid that used to run around with the Barney doll and sing along with Blues Clues? He’s gone, for now anyway and I guess now I just have to hope he’s coming back someday, because I really miss my son.
11:36 am
April 23rd, 2012
tough Love. this Blog, Group Meetings…all are helping. but it still is the hardest thing I do…each and every day. And each time i have to flex my ‘skills’ it eats at me, as a mother we only want to help. We want to shelter, support and care for our children. so it is hard when we say NO and yet for my own self perservation, marriage and sanity NO is what i must say.
Daughter called last night, drama in the house she lives in (which is a house full of users by the way) but mom she tells me over and over I am staying clean and just hang out in my room. Okay…but no effort to find a job, no NA meeting, forget counselors they are for losers..but staying clean with Meth,Heroin all around you?
Anyways..back to my thoughts..sorry. Can she move home, she just needs to get out of there, they are stabbing her in the back and she hates it. I say NO not a good idea.
She says FINE and hangs up on me! I then text her and say I am sorry she does not like what I say and hangs up, but i have not seen a lot of improvment on her side. I get back..thanks mom I will be find I will take care of myself.
So…do I feel guilty. YES. Do I feel like it was the best thing i could do. YES. Is it eating me up and was I able to sleep last night..NO.
Just wanted to get that out…wanted to say I pray each day for my daughter that something helps her see the light…gets her out the right path of staying cleanand getting to a normal life (whatever that is). I am just tired today I am thinking..feeling a little unsure of myself..
thank you all for listening, thank you Francis for this blog and a place to jot my thoughts!
Linda W
11:35 am
April 24th, 2012
Linda S, exactly. Congrats on your Daughter being 30 days sober!
All these stories have familiar pieces. I understand Pam and am sorry for what you all are going through. The hardest thing is not doing anything. Seeing other kids going to college and making good choices. I have not found a counselor yet. It after reading your stories I started looking for one it seems like that is a common help. I am praying for all of your stories, thank you
12:45 pm
April 24th, 2012
colleen, I so understand what you are going thru. We all do on this page! It is a hard thing to do, and having my daughter almost ruin my marriage, my life and my sanity i have decided to take it back. To learn to tell her NO and to live my life as happily as i can. Has this happened..no but slowly but surely i know it will. It has to and I must live my life..not hers.
Al alon and Na alon are all helpful. the Therepist i saw was good, but for me a group is better! do this, do it for you! And find something, anything that makes you smile again and embrace that!
Prayers for you and know you are not alone!
5:57 pm
April 24th, 2012
I think all of us moms go through a period of denial. We don’t want to believe that this is true, not our sweet babies. We want to believe our kids lies. After awhile the proof is in the pudding and we have no other choice but to believe. That’s when our mourning and our desperation begins. Our jobs as mothers was to protect our kids and make it all better. How do we just turn that off? I don’t know about the rest of you, but that was the most difficult thing for me to do. I felt like I just couldn’t sit here and let this all happen, I had to do something. So, it took me quite some time to realize that I couldn’t fix it and make it all better anymore. Although, I did not just sit here. I actively sought out others like me, nar-anon, al-anon. I actively educated myself about drug abuse. Doing these things empowered me.
” I googled it, it’s a powerful hallucegin in the same class as LSD. I have no clue why I’m still his friend on facebook. He knows that I would google this stuff. He’s actually gotten to the point of not caring what we think anymore. We’ve finally proven to him that we don’t believe his lies anymore. I guess he figures, what the hell. This just goes to show me that there’s nothing he won’t put into his body. He’s an oxy addict and now he wants to do sycadelics?????? The next step for my son is to wind up in jail or worse. Sometimes I pray for him to go to jail. At least in there he can’t use and he’s being controlled.
Yesterday on my son’s facebook page he posted, “Thinking about taking an adventure with the spirit molecule today. Hmm well if u know wat I’m talking about then lemme know it just so happens to be abundant around here this time of the year.
God help us all.
Linda B.
8:27 pm
April 24th, 2012
It’s so true, we are all the same. A few details may be different, but basically the same. It’s also true that at least on this blog we know we are talking with people who truly understand. I have friends and family who I know care and are sorry for what is happening, but they don’t really understand how I feel. Just wonderful to be able to express feelings and thoughts and know the people reading it are shaking their heads in agreement and understanding.
So let’s all agree that we won’t give up on our kids , ourselves, or each other. For the past couple of months the minister at our church, Max Lucado, has been speaking on a series entitled” You’ll get through this”. Each Sunday we all recite these words:
8:32 pm
April 24th, 2012
Sorry pressed enter too soon.
The words are:
With God’s power, I’ll get through this. It won’t be painless. It won’t be quick. But God will use this mess for good. I won’t be foolish or naive but nor will I despair. With God’s help I know I will get through this.
We just hang on, as long as there’s life, there’s hope.
Grace, peace and blessings to you all.
8:43 pm
April 24th, 2012
My dtr is in jail, with two outstanding warrants for two other counties. I’m hoping she goes to prison where she can get some help-from someone else. I don’t want to visit her anymore, take her calls, go to court, or anything. I am so tired. You have to let it go a bit at a time…I feel at the end, like I’ve given it all up. Someone on the post said they still pay for the cell phone so their child can still call. It sounds like the last thing you’re hanging on to, and if it helps you sleep at night, I say keep the phone. Sooner or later it will go too. Most days now, I honestly feel I’ve given up hope. I don’t know if this is good or bad, just is.
I feel for everyone on this post. Who ever expected kids would end up this way? I have a 12yr old son and a 9yr old son. If they start down this same road, I plan to come down fast and hard. No way I’m doing this again.
11:50 am
April 25th, 2012
Went and saw my son in jail on Sunday. For the first time in probably over a year, he was sober. He SEEMS to be thinking clearly now, is scared to death and doesn’t know what’s coming. He has been in jail now for 11 days. I was contacted by the jail asking some questions about him, and the representative I talked to told me that son would probably be released tomorrow on a personal bond. So I told my son that his father and I are willing to put him in rehab, although my ex husband doesn’t believe it will work. My ex only wants to pay for 14 days and I told my son this. My son started to cry and said he needs more than 14 days. This is something new, because up until now all we have got is angry denials about being a drug addict. I don’t know if I should feel this, but I have a small glimmer of hope. I told him that after successful completion of rehab, he would go to a halfway house for at least 4 months. I don’t know if they will release him tomorrow on personal bond or not, but if they do, we are going to attempt to give rehab a shot. Wish us luck. I wish there was a fast forward button in life.
4:25 pm
April 25th, 2012
Collen – Try to get him in a Christian based facility “Freedom Farm Ministries” is one we tried and we have heard many good results – my cousin really enjoyed it. Talk to churches they do help people with these problems. Hope this helps!!!
5:41 pm
April 25th, 2012
Colleen,
All I can say is be cautiously optimistic. I have been down this road. Everyone says that set backs are very common. As for my son, he was doing great for a couple months after rehab and then right back to his old ways. We pretty much begged him to go to a sober living house and he refused, that was a year 1/2 ago. I’m not saying this will be the case with your son. Just have your mind and heart prepared for it in case it does happen. Be hopeful, but guarded. That’s my opinion anyway.
Sherry,
I’ve often thought how it seemed our pastor was talking just to us during church services. Without him knowing what was going on in our lives his sermons would apply to us personally. Coincidence or devine intervention? I dunno, but whatever it is I’ll take it.
Our oldest son is getting married on June 30th at our home. I’m nervous and apprehensive about it. This will be a time when the extended family will be all together for the 1st time in a long time. There is bad blood everywhere between us all. There are 2 sides, those with us (tough love) and those against us (enablers). Our family is such a mess and it’s all due to our drug addicted kids. I can’t help but to feel resentment all the way around. I resent our son for putting us all in this position in the 1st place. And, resent my mother in law for seemingly stabbing us in the back and I feel as though she’s helping to kill my child. To be honest, I feel like scratching her eyes out. Please know I am a rational and non violent person. But, when it comes to this I feel like a mother hen protecting her chick. I will need all the prayers I can get on that day. I keep repeating to myself, “your job is to be polite”. Hopefully I can pull it off. I have to. I would hate myself for messing up my son and daughter in law’s special day.
1:44 am
April 27th, 2012
Linda B, just be there for your son and future daughter in law. Make their special day all about them and YOU and the love and pride that you feel for them. Don’t let the enablers in your family poison and ruin this for you. When my daughter got married 2 years ago, my son was at his all time low, living on the streets, addicted to heroin, stealing from our home when we weren’t there, it was a horrible, horrible time. No one in the family knew about his addiction, and I went to great lengths to hide it from them. There were lots of questions about where he was, why wasn’t he at the wedding- and honestly, I was terrified that he would show up high with his unsavory friends. I was equally terrified that he would once again burglarize my home while we were at the wedding. It’s so hard to do, but we all have to focus our energy on our healthy children, our spouses, our relationships and most importantly ourselves.
8:53 pm
April 27th, 2012
Haven’t been on for awhile, but I read Camille and thought, this is my son… there is hope though.. he’s now in a long term residential facility in Pensacola FL called Lakeview. He says he wants to use still all the time but he also knows he has to make a stand for his sobriety at some point in his life. I don’t know if this it the time but I pray everyday. I hope we all find peace… and our children find their way through the darkness….
3:03 pm
April 30th, 2012
Cautiously optimistic – yes, that’s how I feel. I want so much to believe what he tells me and always have. I saw him in that jail, he looked so little at innocent (all 6 foot 4 of him) and it pained me to the core, but I still didn’t get him out. Now I see him in rehab, and he “seems” good, but i know seeming isn’t anything. Actions speak louder than words – and I know everything he has said to me over the past couple years has been in an attempt to manipulate, deceive or to gain money from me. He knows he will be going to a 3/4 house following rehab for four months. He hasn’t said anything negative about that, so we will see how that goes. He did ask me about the car on Saturday when I saw him and that made me mad. He was bought a car for his graduation, which he flipped and burned to the ground last July because he was on Xanax and God knows what else. When he got home, he was Oh, Mom – I’ve learned my lesson I will never take another pill again. Recently, I got into his facebook and found messages to someone one MONTH after that accident looking for drugs. ONE MONTH! He wrecked another car this past February, but we are not sure (and probably will never know) if that was due to the bad ice storm, or if it was drug related again. After all of that, I FINANCED a car (used) for him because he had himself a full time job and seemed to be doing well. After he was arrested, I had to go tell his manager that he had a drug problem and was in jail. IT was then that she told me he had been good as far as she knew, except for the fact that the wednesday before he got arrested, he was in the parking lot of his employer in the running vehicle passed out for 5 hours. They tried to wake him up and couldn’t. This in the vehicle he promised me he would never drive while on anything. Even got mad at me for suggesting that he would. It makes me sick when I think about it. So now, the car is being driven by his sister, who deserves it and that is eating him up inside. WHen he asked about the car – I said well you have ruined the opportunity three times that we gave you with vehicles, so I’m not wanting to discuss the car at this time. He said “then I guess I will get my own car then.” Ok, go ahead! That’s what you should be doing at 20 years old – not expecting your mother to do it for you. It’s like a game he plays, threatening things that don’t threaten me. Yelling at me to make me back down. Lying to me to get me off his back. I do so hope that this is the end, but I’m so sad to realize it may not be.
5:49 pm
May 2nd, 2012
Yes, we’ve all made the mistake of believing our children’s lies over and over again. I actually made the mistake of believing in my boy during and after rehab as well. I think it takes quite some time after sobriety for reality to set in for them. They have been so used to lying and manipulating, old habits die hard. I know that even if my son gets clean that it will take years for me to trust him again. Years of actions, not words. Someone once told me that if a drug addict has their mouth open to always know it’s a lie. They only have 1 mind set, get drugs, get drugs and they will do whatever they must to get drugs. What a horrible way to live.
It’s been at least a month since I’ve talked to my youngest son, even longer for my middle son. That automatically tells me that they have someone on their side and don’t need me. Grandma to the rescue I’m sure.
The below link is the Karpman drama triangle. This triangle helped me and my husband sooooo much to put it all into perspective. Makes so much sense. Please go to this link and read all about it if you already haven’t.
http://www.therapyideas.net/triangles.htm
I sure hope you ladies all have a wonderful day.
11:57 pm
May 8th, 2012
I’m not sure where to start. My wife and I have struggled with are 27 year old sons drug problems since he 13. Matt was released from jail in mid february and lives with us once again. His last sentence was 3 yrs. for armed robbery of a gas station. A prior sentence related to drug use cost him 7 months in prison. We live in an established suberb and my wife and I were active in his upbringing. We were active church members, cub scout and boy scout packmaster and den mother, cyo basketball coach, baseball coach 11 yrs. and fortunate enough to be able to take nice family vacations. We did everything together. Matts first drug use was pot. Concerned yet understood that kids may try this. It was more serious when he was suspended as a junoir in high school and required to go to rehab before he could return to school. Upon his return he quit school within a few weeks. I was devestated. I am a union carpenter and my wife has a good job with her bachelors degree. The embarressment within our social enviroment was awfull. Matt got his ged and I helped him get in the carpenters union. They drug test us and after a few years the juice he would use to hide the drugs didn’t seem to work and they eventually booted him out after he failed a few tests. The drug use and the money we spent on rehab, wrecked cars,house payments, the drugs themselves, laywers, child support payments to our grandaughter, has torn us apart. My wife, as a loving mother wants so badly to believe him when he says he is getting better and wants us to help him cover his expenses. I would prefer to put him out on the street so he can find his bottom. We have spent approx. 160,000 dollars on our sons lies and deciets over the last 14 years. I love him but we need to say no to him. He is a good carpenter who makes 20 dollars an hour but pays no bills and uses every penny to get high (he has been a heroin user for years) and is scamming us for money two days after payday. He has over the years stole every elctronic device we’ve had, used our credit cards to buy the dopeman what he wants, steals any money he can find within our house. I have to sleep with my wallet under my mattress at night. There is so much more I could say but for those of you living this hell you know what it is like.
3:08 pm
May 10th, 2012
Regarding Cautious Optimism: They say “There are no atheists in foxholes.” I say “There are no treatment-resistant addicts in jail.”
My daughter was just released from jail to a six-month program. If the court orders it, the court pays. I hope it works. But I wouldn’t bet the ranch on it.
Been there, done that, don’t need the t-shirt.
4:11 pm
May 10th, 2012
Mark,
I was shocked reading your story. Your son seems to suffer very few consequences for his drug use. I can understand how you got to this place, because you have hope, and you love your son. But you have done enough-it’s time to get him out and get your life back. Alnon and counseling will help. You really need to get him out of your home, for good.
11:35 am
May 11th, 2012
Mark,
I have been where you are with my daughter….raising her “right” doing all i could to help support and FIX her mistakes as I called them.
Finally thru this blog, thru Alnon an couseling and a couple of wonderful books and a lot of prayer I have learned. She is a 29 yrs old adult and I have done all I can. I still love her, but I am taking back control of my life, getting joy and laughter and building my life back and most of all building back my marriage (her stepfather)
She is 90 days clean, has moved away (out of state) and text i got monday was mom, I am happy, healthy and seeing life with a clear brain for the first time since I was 16! I pray and will always pray that this continues for her, she stays clean and happy and my prayers include each and every mother and father out there going thru the problems of adult addicts.
Blessing on all of you!
2:02 pm
May 11th, 2012
Mark,
I’m so sorry for all that you live with. There is not one persons on this blog that doesn’t understand exactly how you feel. That is what is so wonderful about this blog. Finally to be able to talk and know there are people who are shaking their heads yes, they really get it. So, after saying that, your son can’t continue to live with you. I have two heroin addict sons. Both were told they can’t live at home. Took a few months of being out of the house, but on Monday of this week, one of them managed to get himself a sponsorship in a rehab and is there now for the next 30 days and the other one is working on getting into a different rehab. Maybe this is what happens when we learn to say NO and really mean it. I don’t know if the rehab will work for them this time( they have both been before), but this time they are putting themselves there because they really have no other options, This is an awful disease that you can never surrender to. I pray for you all.
6:50 am
May 12th, 2012
Sherry hit the nail on the head, ” this time they are putting themselves there because they really have no other options”. Once they’ve run out of ALL their options they have no choice but to fix their own lives. My prayers are with your boys to succeed Sherry, and you. I’m still waiting for that day when my 2 sons run out of all their options (grandma the enabler). Not only do our drug addicted children need to take responsibility for their own lives, but we do to. We must live a happy productive lives despite our children’s lifestyles. We were once the all American, functional family too. 2 out of 3 of our sons are drug dependent. What the hell happened? I know everyone has seen those commercials on TV about talking to your kids about drugs etc. We did all that. We did everything we were supposed to do. I now throw things at the TV when those absolutely ridiculous commercials come on the TV now. And, I refuse to invest 1 more dime on these self destructive kids. If they want it for themselves then they will find a way to make it happen. No more throwing thousands and thousands of dollars out the window anymore for nothing. I love my sons for than my own life. If there was anything I could do to make this all go away I certainly would. Over so many years we’ve finally learned that all the money in the world won’t fix it, all the love and understanding won’t fix it. The only thing that will fix it is themselves.
Mark, I strongly urge you to seek help to help yourself if you already haven’t. In a previous post I added a link about the Karpman triangle. It helped me emencely. It has helped me to leave the triangle and not to get sucked right back into it again. Please go to this link and really study the info there http://www.therapyideas.net/triangles.htm
I pray that everyone here finds peace and happiness.
12:16 pm
May 13th, 2012
On this Mothers Day, I pray for all moms and dads who are dealing with the agonizing disease of drug addiction. Mark, our love for our children gets in the way of making the “right” decisions, epecially when those decisions are the hardest and most painful.Your son’s story is almost identical to mine- I spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to help my son get clean, dealt with the same family and social issues that you are dealing with. The harsh reality is that until that switch in their brain clicks and they say “ok, enough”, the vicous circle will continue. I recently read “We all Fall Down” by Nick Scheff. It really helped me understand my son as an addict. Perhaps it will help you too.
6:21 pm
May 15th, 2012
My good friends son has been incarcerated a few times with court mandated rehab. A kind man took him under his wing once out of jail the last time, gave him a job, set him up with a car and a place to live many, many miles away from the friends he did drugs with in the past. He’s back in jail once again. He’s ruined his life AGAIN. I was informed of him being back in jail on Mother’s Day when I was depressed anyway. This news hit me so hard. I was so hopeful for this kid. I couldn’t help my own and just wanted to see something positive happen with another addict close to my heart.
My son’s girlfriend is in rehab and according to her father she’s doing well. Apparently my son tried to call her at the facility and they would not let her speak with him. I have tried and tried to convince this girl not to associate with my son. He will just drag her down. In the past she never listened, hopefully this time she will. I do not feel optimistic for this girl. So sad.
I NEED to see something good happen to an addict I know. I NEED to see that recovery is possible on a personal level, somewhere, somehow. I feel as though my hope is just disappearing. I can’t seem to hang on to it. I’m afraid without hope I don’t know where I’ll be.
Apparently, I need a meeting. Mother’s Day and the bad news has sucked the life right outta me. I’ve tripped and fell, now I got to somehow get back up. I KNOW all of you “get it”. I rarely talk to anyone about this. It’s somehow comforting to know I have somewhere to go vent and have complete understanding. Thanks You everyone.
8:03 pm
May 17th, 2012
Linda B…. I’m with you as well in the NEED to find Hope in all of this, my hope is fading and I just want to see someone succeed and do well! My son is in a long term facility but I don’t trust he’s doing anything but going through the motions and not digging deep to change. He turned 21 yesterday… I am realizing he’s spent the last 3 years in and out of rehabs… I just don’t know how to see a light at the end of this long long tunnel!
11:49 am
May 18th, 2012
Linda B.
We all know how you feel right now..this roller coaster of emotions takes it toll on all of us. yes I just want to hear someone that beats this addiction! So far I have not heard that good news yet.
My daughter has moved out of state, just a clean start she says. Been 90 days clean…prayers are still flying but I don’t think i will ever beleive she has beat it. History has not shown me that yet. but the best thing I can say about her movinig (for now) i don’t get the daily phone calls, the need money, need gas, need food. She said and I agreed..time to stand on her own and figure it out. She is 29 been using off and on since 16 yrs old! This last go around was after 3 yrs of being clean.
My prayers for all the parents out there, for our own sanity and joy and to get our lives back. My prayers for all the ‘children’ trapped in the addictions of their choices.
9:02 pm
May 21st, 2012
I just wanted to share this with you all. My son who is 19 wrote this for his older brother who is in treatment. It’s just beautiful
http://soundcloud.com/superherosidekicks/brother1
1:22 pm
May 22nd, 2012
Michele,
thank you for sharing this! It is a wonderful song with a powerful message..he will never give up. Made me cry..but then again so much does..most of all it was touching and so love filled!
4:40 pm
May 22nd, 2012
Michele, I listened to the song. Made me cry. My oldest son has lost all hope in his addicted brothers. Breaks my heart. He’s getting married next month and he doesn’t want either of his brothers in attendance. Can’t say as I blame him. You never know if they will cause a scene or not. The day will be bitter sweet for our family. So happy and proud of our oldest son, but so sad and disappointed for our other 2 sons. It’s been so many years of this constant struggle, when does the roller coaster finally stop? Maybe never I’ve come to realize. We must make the best of our bad situations. That’s all we can do.
1:59 pm
May 28th, 2012
I wake up everyday and I cry about our son…and my relationship with my husband is deteriorating…if only he would just talk about it…I think about leaving him because I just cannot stand it…..
11:39 am
May 30th, 2012
oh Pam…i so understand! I am past the crying about my daughter each day. But my family wants nothing to do with her, my mother and my husband (her step father). It is hard, I have no one to talk to!
I know how you feel..alone and lost!
6:17 pm
May 30th, 2012
Thanks, good luck.
3:02 am
May 31st, 2012
Oh Pam I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I’ve seen many in our situation loose their marriage. Although, I’ve seen just as many where the marriage became much stronger. I guess it can either make or break it. Counseling and/or nar-anon meetings would help you both so much. I felt my marriage slipping away at one point and the meetings helped so much and they still do. You and your husband are going through so much horror with your son. Neither of you can afford to loose any more. Please be proactive in seeking out help.
3:45 pm
June 1st, 2012
Mark, I’m right there with you, brother. My son’s going to be 27 in July, if he lives that long. He’s been on and off since his teens. Joined the Navy at 19 only to being booted out this year for drug overdose induced seizures. It’s such a terrible waste. Know though that none of this is your fault, all of it is his decision. Unfortunately part of the problem is the more immersed the addict is in drugs the more skewed their thinking becomes. I love my son unconditionally but I can’t stand the addict. I hope and pray every day but I hold a healthy sense of skepticism for any resolution. I think fathers see it differently sometimes, I am fortunate that for the most part his mother and I are on the same page. She is suffering greatly and wish I could do more for her but she needs to go to Al-Anon and get with other Mom’s in the same struggle.
11:49 pm
June 8th, 2012
I feel like I’ve been hit in the head with a bat. My 19 year old son was arrested last week for cocaine. I truly never saw this coming. He has been a sweet, respectful child all his life. Never had any trouble more than a traffic ticket, now this. He has such a bright future ahead of him and I’m mourning the possible loss of the future, as well as a possible prison term. Never in my life did I think this is what his life and mine would come to. I am a single mother doing the best I can for my child. Last year I was laid off from my job of many years and to get a job to support us I had to take a evening shift position. Since that time I have noticed a change in him. He would stay out very late and I wouldn’t know who he was with. He has never known his father, so my father stepped in to fill that role all his life. Two years ago we lost my father to leukemia and I beleive I underestimated how that experience hurt him. I guess I was caught in my own grief and struggling to help my mother. How do I help him? How on earth do we get through this? I’m scared to let him see exactly how much this has devestated myself and our family until he can get treatment. Sorry for rambling but all this is finally sinking in after a week.
4:14 am
June 10th, 2012
My 33 year old daughter has told people that I was a heroin addict and sold her young body to pay for it. I have heard this from two people, and I am so sick I don’t even know how to deal with it. I don’t do drugs. If I know she told two people, how do I know she didn’t tell everyone we know?
12:18 pm
June 13th, 2012
Rita,
I know that can be hard to hear, my son told people he is a crack baby and that is why his addiction is so bad and why “he’s messed up” he’s told people his biological Dad was murdered to get attention. I know it is hard to hear but it is just their way of seeking out attention so they can manipulate their way into peoples thoughts and maybe get something out of it. It’s hard to hear those kinds of things that are said, but honestly you know the truth and the people who know you also know that is not what is real. I’ve said to my son, why do you say things that are not true about your family. We love you and want only the best in your life, he always says his standard reply “I don’t know” There will be so many challenges with your addicted child that my thoughts are to pick and choose my battles and although those words I’m sure hurt, you have to know your daughter is sick and needs to find help. I have a 21 year old who’s been in rehab 5 times already, almost died of drug overdose 3 times, is a cutter/burner with scars all over his arms, has mental health issues since he was a young child and struggles with who he really is in his own life. I have realized sometimes it’s easier for them to live in a “made up world” then reality because reality for them probably sucks! That is why my son says he loses himself in drugs so he doesnt feel anything “real” My son as of today is currently living in a long term facility, he struggles with his mental health, his addiction and also the affects of his prior drug usage. He is walking a long, long road but I pray everyday he see’s the light and wants to build himself a new life. I know I can’t walk this road with him and make him do the right thing, I can only love him for I am his mother and in life or death he will always be a part of me and I will always be a part of him. Best of luck in your struggles Rita, but don’t let her words bring you down to a place of pain.
2:16 am
June 20th, 2012
As usual the drama comes in waves. We don’t hear from our youngest son for a couple of months then it’s instant upheavel. He was flopping on a friend’s couch for a couple of months. The friend and his wife began having marital problems because my boy was there. As much as the friend wanted to help my son he was faced with either helping him or loosing his wife and kids. The friend called me up out of the blue to ask if he could come and talk with my husband and me. We agreed. He brought our son with him. I was shocked. I did not think our son could look any worse and he sure did. He’s completely emaciated, can’t weigh more than 130 pounds at 6’4″. His clothes are all tattered, dirty and just hanging off of him. Just pityful. It was all I could do to not break down in tears. They both swear he’s not using any drugs except for marijuana. We could see that this was not true at all. My son insists he needs the weed for his back pain which we do not believe he has in reality. Long story short, they wanted us to take my son in. We once again suggested rehab and he got hostile about it as usual. He says he’s beyond rehab, been there done that. He says he just needs a safe place to stay and he’s fine. yada, yada, yada………same ole thing. We refuse to take him in without rehab. The next night got a call from the friend once again. Another long story short my son “sort of” said he’d go to rehab (was faced with nowhere to go). Well, don’t ya know, good ole grandma stepped in again and bought him a motel room for the night instead. So much for rehab. He doesn’t need it now Grandma came to the rescue once again. Grandma just doesn’t get it, she’s killing her own grandson by her kindness. We cannot convince her of this. She thinks we’re the world’s worst parents because we won’t take our hostile, abusive, crazy, stealing son in our house without him being clean. She thinks we’re the ones killing him not her. If he was faced with homelessness he would go to rehab. She won’t let it get that far. We haven’t heard from our boy since. We’re just spinning our wheels. When something happens to our son we’re going to be pointing the finger at her and she’s going to pointing the finger at us. It’s a hellava life.
Anyone else having the same issues with extended family as we are? I just don’t know what to do other than just throw my arms up. I am powerless to save my son’s life.
2:59 am
June 20th, 2012
well how do you not feel the pain…I really need some sort of counseling to help in not feeling that my son’s life will not improve and that the lives of my husband and me are over…..I wonder how I can feel any kind of joy anymore….
7:36 pm
June 20th, 2012
I was there! I was slipping into such a depression Pam! I went to Counseling. I started to read as much as i could about Addicts and their families. I go to Al-alon meetings, Nar-alon, I started talking to friend about my daughter. Being more open about the pain, getting it out there instead of “hiding the horrors” from everyone and pretending it was okay. and most of all I pray, and i start each day with a prayer a freind sent me.
Now after 6 months I am better. I am still not back to where i was, my husband still says I miss your laugh honey to me all the time. I cannot find much to laugh about or be happy about, but i no longer feel my life is over!
7:42 pm
June 20th, 2012
Oh Linda B! I know the roller coaster of dealing with these kids of yours…it never ends does it! You are standing strong in your actions and I know that is the best you can do for you, and hopefully for him. I wish like you do his Grandmother would see that..they must hit bottom with no way out before they can start the slow struggle to the top.
I have ridden that roller coaster for so many years now I am working on just watching the ride and riding it anymore. My daughter is doing better, she and her husband and working hard at fighting her drug addiciton and building their marriage. I wish them all the best..but I for now can only stand back and watch and wait…
7:54 pm
June 20th, 2012
Pam,
Drug addiction is a progressive disease. In other words, it won’t get better, only worse. Without our drug addicts desiring a better life for themselves it will all end in something bad. This is reality. Your husband and yourself NEED to come to this conclusion and have a happy, productive life despite it all. You will always feel the pain. But, you need to learn how to re direct it in a sense. Yes, please actively seek out counseling. You do not have the power to change your son, but you do have the power to change yourself.
6:55 pm
July 31st, 2012
any news from anyone??? we’re not doing so well here…….
1:47 am
August 1st, 2012
I have some encouraging news. After 2 1/2 times in rehab and 2 rounds of IOP, one of my sons is doing very well. He is almost 90 days sober. He’s living in a wonderful sober house, getting weekly counseling and lots of support from his housemates. He has started his own Heroin Anonymous group and will have the first meeting this Saturday. He speaks weekly at an opiate group. He will start his new job next week, working with troubled adolescent boys. Hopefully, all of this will continue for him. The change came for him when he decided that he was tired of drugs and his life. He picked up the phone and called the rehab and checked himself in. My other son finished a 6 day detox and is now on day 11 of a 35 day stay in rehab. Praying for the best for them both. There was a time when I didn’t think any of this would ever happen, but for today, everything is good and looking up. I hope this brings some hope to everyone. I pray for us all.
11:16 am
August 1st, 2012
Pam…how are things…post sounded very down?
Sherry: good news on your sons very good news. pray it continues and knowing they still have long road ahead!
My daugter got her 60 days clean award last week. She and her husband seem to be doing well. She has (they) have gotten hit hard the last few weeks with regards to money, but seems to be handling it better. Of course I KNOW she has a long way to go, and I know that 60 days clean and straight does not mean it is all better. But for the first time she is admitting…there is not a day goes by she does not want to get high..but she realizes that her life, her husband and her family are the very most important to her. She is tired of the drugs and being in the pit. so she fights it!!
My husband (her stepfather) still will not speak to her, will not allow her in the house. My mother says her name with such loathing. I have a hard time beingin the middle of all this, and more important a very hard time understanding the way they thing. My husband is sober 21 years from the bottle. My month is active in her church and a “christian”. Yet neither one of them will forgive and understand. So as always I am alone in this.
6:28 am
August 2nd, 2012
Pam, yes I have news too. Also, let us know how things are going for you.
My youngest son’s unemployment ran out. He said they only gave him 2 days notice with a letter. This is actually pretty halarious, but sad. He was on unemployment for 2 years. He’s got a twisted way of thinking. He had 2 YEARS and never even attempted to get a job (of course). Needless to say, he wound up homeless, begging borrowing and stealing. He’s also 9 month AWOL from the Army. One night he ended up on our front porch carry blankets. He was yelling and cussing at us. Somehow it was our fault he was in the pickle he was in. He threatened to go to a family who has taken him in and believed his lies in the past if we didn’t take him in. We told him to go ahead. OMG, was the hardest thing I ever done turning my pityful homeless child away. Apparently, his enabler family has had enough of him too and wouldn’t take him in. He ended up telling us he wanted to go to Detox. I drove him there and he was so beligerant and disrespectful to me. Left him there along with $2,500.00 and he completed the 7 days. He went from there to a publicly funded rehab (We refuse to pay anymore). He lasted a few days and got kicked out for being uncooperative etc. He was about 40 miles away from his own town and called us to come and get him. We refused. We told him to go back and beg for forgiveness and it was high time he took control of his own life. He did not and ended up back here somehow where no one whatsoever would give him a roof over his head. In the meantime I had another rehab set up just in case. Well his enabler family took him to a religious ranch for men who want to find the Lord and clean up their lives without our knowledge. I spoke with the “Ranch” and there is no counseling, no 12 steps, no drug treatment at all. They say that once they become born again all the rest will follow. And, they needed $350 per month from us to house and feed him. HaHa right! This family who has enabled him for years dropped him off there and told them his parents would pay. NOT! After a week or so we came up with the plan that we would match dollar for dollar what this enabler family would pay. We knew they wouldn’t pay anything because they’ve never reached into their pockets before and we knew it wouldn’t happen this time either. We’ve tried and tried to help this kid 10′s of thousands of dollars later we’re no better off. Our new attitude is, he got himself into this mess he can get himself out. It’s time he take control of his own life. I know this all sounds very cold and mean. After 3 times in detox and rehab and having this family that always takes him in and allows him to continue his drug lifestyle we’re done. He’s got to want this for himself or it doesn’t work. Traditional counceling, rehab etc. hasn’t worked. Maybe this will, who knows. If he’s got to be addicted to something we can certainly live with him being addicted to the Lord. We know the only reason he’s there is because he has nowhere else to go. We do not believe he will take any of this to heart. As a matter of fact he’ll probably get thrown out of there too. Obviously, we don’t have a very good attitude about any of this. The bright side, at least I know he’s somewhere safe so I can sleep at night. So the saga continues. In the meantime our middle son got his girlfriend pregnant and she’s only 16! They ran away to Montana, came back, tried to get us to fund an apartment etc. for them. We refused and came up with an alternative plan that they refused and are gone again. They are on their own too. Life is CRAZY! Thank God for my oldest, responsible level headed son who is an awesome husband and father.
Sherry, I’ll be saying a prayer for your boys and family.
Linda S., It just may take some time for your mother and husband can begin to trust again. Drug addicts dig their holes so deep that trusting for a long, long time is next to impossible. Sounds like they may be protecting their own selves for now.
Take care of yourselves.
12:14 pm
September 28th, 2012
Hello everyone,
Two days ago I got a text from my mom’s husband that my sister was arrested. I knew right away it had something to do with her heroin addiction. She began using heroin when she was 16. Now she is 24. I am so very upset about this as she faces 19 felony counts and one misdemeanor. I do my best not to blame my mother and yet I am torn. I grew up in an awful environment. My mom had me when she was 16. We spent our lives going from man to man. All of them abusive in one way or another. On her 7th long-term relationship she had my sister. I was 12 at the time (she was born on my birthday). I took care of her most of the time as my mom began man hopping again. When I was out on my own, my mom called me and told me she couldn’t get through college because my sister and my mom’s current boyfriend were fighting all of the time. At this point my sister was 12. I knew my sisters father to be a decent man although not a great parent. My mom told me she had two years left for her RN. I suggested my sister live with her dad for those two years. We knew it would not be ideal but when my mom got out of college she would have enough time to guide my sister and correct any minor issues. Four years went by and when my sister was 16 she started using. My mom never finished college (is still getting her 2 year RN to this day). I took my sister in when she was 18 and turned my house into a lockdown and de-toxed her myself. After 3 months of her being sober my mom came and picked her up on her way to her next husband. After some time my mom called me and told me she didn’t contact me because my sister ran away. Recently I found out my mom bought her a plane ticket back to where she got addicted in the first place. I was floored. Later my sister moved back in with my mom and I moved down with them to keep an eye on them. My sister was clean again, attending college full time and working full time. She earned good grades and was helping mom pass her classes too. Later I heard from my sister that my mom was blaming her for not passing her classes. Some time passed and my sister told me she was moving out of state with some guy she met because she could not handle the blame game anymore. I didn’t want her to go but since she is an adult she has her own life. She got addicted again. My mom kept asking me if I thought she was using. After a few visits from her my wife and I agreed that she was using again. We talked to my mother about it and told my mom not to send her money anymore. Mom kept sending her money. On the last visit my sister told me that she had told mom she was using again a year ago. My sister told me that during my mothers man hopping one of my mom’s husband molested my sister. Another husband beat my sister. It reminded me of my childhood. My sister does not have her court date yet and my mom is telling me how hard she tried to raise us right and claims my sister is this way because of her fathers side of the family (genetics). I don’t know how to handle this. How do I handle my mom? How do I help my sister? My sister is 24 but has the mentality of a 14 year old (literally). I think she will be torn apart in prison. Her bail is $40,000.00.
5:22 pm
September 30th, 2012
Dear Jay,
It’s a rough road we travel with drug addicts in our lives. I don’t know if you read the entire page but, over and over again I’ve recommended ALANON and/or NARANON meetings. Please go, and go, and go. Read the literature. Get involved with it. It will help so much. Also, know that you cannot help your sister. She can only do that herself. You can guide her in the right direction when and if she decides she wants that help. God knows I’ve tried forcing my son into sobriety. It’s only a temporary band aid. None of this is probably what you want to hear. Once again go to meetings, it will change YOUR life.
3:30 pm
October 1st, 2012
Hello,
I have recently started this journey with my daughter. We knew something was going on with her – but never expected heroin. She finally opened up to us in June on a Thursday. On the following Monday she started counseling. It was going good for a bit then she relapsed. She fianally asked to go inpatient. So she started inpatient 2 weeks ago. Seems to be doing well there. All her emotions are coming back and she’ happy one min and sad or mad the next – not sure what we’re going to get when she calls or we see her. Any advice on this journey would be welcomed. Our family is here to support her but I know it’s up to her to find her way. It’s so hard though. I’m scared for when she gets out that she will relapse.
4:44 pm
October 4th, 2012
My daughter is in rehab – been there 18 days. She seemed to be doing pretty good. Now that she’s not using she has alot of back pain – which is what got her using in the first place. She calls crying and wants to leave. I want her there!! She is threatening to just walk out or do something to get kicked out. She gets so dramatic! Says all the other girls are talking about her and mean to her….. I try to tell her to just stay away from them and that she’s not there to make friends – she’s there to get the help she needs. How do I get her to stay when she is so unhappy?
9:23 pm
October 5th, 2012
Tanya, I’ve been where you are now. I have two sons that are heroin addicts. One is 5 months sober and the other is 3 months. They both went to rehab 3 times. Two things I will say. First, you can’t make her stay if she doesn’t want to. You can encourage her, refuse to pick her up and talk to her counselor for advice. Most of them say they are going to leave, but they never do. Some may walk out, but most don’t. Second, if she is going into a sober house in the same area as the treatment center, then it is important that she make friends in rehab. If she stays in the area, then she will need the support of others in recovery when she gets out. Hang tough. This is no easy feat. But never, never surrender to this disease.
5:50 am
October 6th, 2012
My son (who is a drug addict with severe depression) has been hospitalised for the past 7 weeks with psychosis. He’s getting worse in the mental health facility and has already attempted to take his life. He’s extremely depressed and not engaging with the Drs so they just conclude ‘they cant help him’. There about to release him soon and I’m worried because of his extreme depression he’s going to top himself when he comes out. I personally have no faith in the mental health system here in Australia, Drs seem to just use the old excuse ‘he not engaging with us’ as a get out clause. Their only solution is medication and even that hasnt been effective. They refuse to help him with therapy or even drug conselling. I’m so disappointed with the systems as a whole. If that cant help him, what can?
1:36 pm
October 6th, 2012
Hello Tanya. That is an issue with rehab facilities. They can walk out. My sister did three times. After that I locked her up myself in my home. She is in pain. Back pain is on of the symptoms of detoxing from heroin. You could let your daughter know or better yet show her that she can detox under lock and key in prison like my sister is. Take her to the prison and tell her this is the next step. Be blunt. I wish I was. Another thing to find out is the real reason she started using. I know you said back pain but there are better and less costly medications for that. If you can get to the root of the matter, it can be used to aid in her recovery. Good luck
12:15 am
October 8th, 2012
Tanya, They do have pain meds that are non narcotic. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do if she walks out of rehab. If she just doesn’t want to be there or any other rehab, then she really isn’t ready to change anyway. I’ve been through this a several times and I wanted my son to get help more than he did. Once my son finally hit bottom, homeless, pennyless, and no way to do his drugs did he really want help. He asked for it, he begged for it. The hardest thing I had to do in my life was turn away my homeless child. But, a few nights on the streets is what finally did it. He’s been in a Christian men’s home for 3 months now. He’s a different person. He’s finally taken responsibility for all he’s done. He can’t tell us enough how much he loves his family and how he now understands the damage he’s done. He WANTS to be exactly where he is and plans on being there for at least a year. He is becoming a scholar of the bible and he recognizes exactly what in that book pertains to his own life. I certainly hope he continues on this path. Traditional rehab was a waste of time for him. 12 step meetings were a waste of time for him. Us pushing him to get help was a waste of time for us. I am now seeing the fine young man that I always knew was inside of him in recent days. I am very careful not to get my hopes up and I am guarded as far as trusting him. It will take all of us plenty of time for healing from 10 years of his lying, cheating and stealing as a result of his drug use. We are praying that this is the time that the healing can actually begin. Only time will tell. I realize this type of program is not for everyone and I never thought it would be for my son either. Hey, if it works and this is what speaks to his addiction then I’m all for it.
4:00 am
October 11th, 2012
I am the mother of a 22 year old addict who started using at about 15 and was first hospitalized for drugs at 16. I’m familiar with so many of these stories. I did find Alanon and some of the parent groups offered at rehab to be very helpful. This year though, Al anon wasn’t enough anymore and I am now seeking Nar-anon meetings. I’ve even thought about starting a Nar anon meeting just for parents of addicts.
Parents of addicts face a unique set of challenges. Sometimes our children are clean and healthy, then we want to be real parents again. We want to support and nurture them. The answers to our problems are not easy or simple.
I do like the 12 step groups when people are supportive and honor each other, not trying to cross talk or give advice but to give loving experience, strength and hope, or just to listen without judging. It’s always ok to laugh too. It’s ok to feel safe.
We can get so paralyzed with fear and guilt and desperation we feel we don’t deserve to live. These are our kids, after all. Our hormones tell us to put everything on the line to save our children! This is very hard.
1:19 pm
October 12th, 2012
concerned! My daughter has been off meth for 5 months now. She was attending group every day for 2 months. Well her husband had a great job opportunity and he took it, that means no insurance for 120 days, so no more group and counselor visits. she is also alone all day, as he used to come home at lunch, but job is too far away to do that. Her mental health is bad, panic attacks, memory loss, anxiiaty..all normal from coming off a 12 yr meth addiction.
My concern..and now why i am writing you. Her moods are getting bad again, her sleeping habits are bad again. Her husband keeps tight rein on the money, but said he either lost 40.00 or?? She has had no luck finding a job, and only needs part time work he told her. 10-15 hrs a week to help with groceries and to get her out of the house. Is she using again? Is she close? I don’t know. Like in the past i am putting it all in Gods Hands, and reminding myself daily..I did not cause this, I cannot cure, this and I cannot control this!!!
Just achy today…like i said Concerned!!!
3:09 pm
October 12th, 2012
My daughter is 24 and is in prison for forgery and drugs (left last week for is there for 14 months). If I could change anything I did, it would have been to call the police when I knew her and her boyfriend were dealing pot 3 years ago. She was not doing hard drugs then, and just maybe she would not have started doing oxycotin and heroin if I would have gotten her busted. I know heroin and oxycotin are very addictive, and very hard to quit. When she started shooting up heroin and meth., I spent six months chasing her down and calling police. Finding a drug addict is much harder than you think. They hide so good and contact with the parent is the last thing they do. I spent many hours and days hunting her down, calling police, the police sending her to jail, my daughter going to court and getting out, getting out and doing more heroin and meth, and finally after four felonies and 3 misdem, and violating probation she got put in prison. In prison now, she is safe but I know I can not enable her at all when she gets out. Being an enabler with a drug addict is the same as taking away treatment for your child who has cancer. It will kill them. Marijuana is the gateway drug and a child or adult who has an addicted personality will move on to harder drugs which may kill them. I am lucky my daughter is still alive as she had many close deaths in the emergency room. Have zero tolerance to illegal drugs(always) and alcohol if they get wasted everytime they drink (like my daughter). Addiction! It causes hell in families.
4:54 pm
October 12th, 2012
How do you go about getting your child into a halfway house? My daughter is due to get out of inpatient rehabb in 10 days. I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to come home. I don’t think she’s ready and she still needs more structure than what she’d get at home. Is there any way to get her into an Oxford home without doing the interview process since she is inpatient right now? If she has to come home before going there I’m afraid she may start using again. SO SCARED!!!
6:47 pm
October 12th, 2012
Hi Tanya. You can search for halfway houses by zip code using SAMHSA’s treatment locator tool: http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/. Otherwise, talk to a licensed clinical social worker or addiction specialist and seek a reference to a halfway house in your area. Many inpatient treatment programs arrange halfway house as part of their aftercare program. Can you also contact the residential treatment center that is hosting your daughter and ask for help?
10:33 pm
October 12th, 2012
As always, life with an addict is very chaotic and fluid, ever changing.
My son is sitting in a Christian men’s facility right now putting all of his faith in a girlfriend of 4 years who is also an addict. She had gone to rehab before my son did. She was bound and determined to never use again and she vowed to help Jake find the road to sobriety as well. I knew it was just talk at the time and yes, she’s began using again. Not only that, she’s seeing her ex boyfriend too. She’s making a complete fool of my son, playing both sides of the fence. Her mother and I keep in contact from time to time to compare notes and find out what’s true and what’s not. Today was a very enlightening conversation between us. Her mother found out from me that her daughter was sneaking to see Jake at the facility, which she has lied about. Among other lies she’s told. I found out that she’s not being true to my son while on his journey and seeing her ex boyfriend behind his back. These 2 are toxic to one another. Their entire relationship is based on lies and drug use. I can’t get my son to see that is not the foundation for a good and functional relationship. If I tell him she’s using again and worse, she’s seeing the ex, he will not believe me and accuse me of trying to break them up. As a mom I want to scratch her eyes out. As the mom of a drug addict I don’t know which way to turn. This girl’s deceit knows no limits and I know this is nothing new, but my son believes in her. I suppose I need to just keep my mouth shut and eventually find out for himself. Although, I would much rather him find out while he’s got the support system where he’s at then after he get out. This news WILL certainly push him over the edge and he’ll want to use again. What to do……..what to do.
3:06 am
October 15th, 2012
I am the mother of a 23 y.o. daughter, she shoots up Meth. She has had drug/mental health issues since the age of 14. She has lived away from home, in one form or another, on and off since age 16. I mourn all the years without her, but part of me is relieved I didn’t have to deal with her addiction first hand for awhile. She lived at home for 10 months recently, what a nightmare, it is amazing how one becomes so numb to all the chaos. The first time in dealing with “Spiders” all over her body, I didn’t know what was going on, she was so convinced and convincing. Boils and abscesses “popping” in her spine and mouth, “scabies” that were most likely her imagination. She had several very sporadic jobs in the first months, then nothing. She went through cycles of activity, going out, not coming home, then sleeping for days and eating huge amounts of food. I have been her strongest advocate, I can truly say I have done all that I can. We spent over 150 thousand dollars on her in the early years of theraputic boarding school, wilderness treatment, psychiatric hospitals, & several recent rehabs…. All I have are the bills and second mortgage to show for this. I said I would not get to the point of “kicking” her out, but that day did come. A month ago, I reached my limit, one too many visits by the paramedics and trips to the emergency room. We have little contact now, she of course blames me. I get so tired of the addict’s view of themselves as the victim! She had never been verbally abusive, well she’s making up for lost time. I believe that it is the drugs speaking through her, but it is still so hurtful to hear “you are worthless as a mother and human being, burn in hell”. THIS IS NOT THE DAUGHTER I KNOW, and I am so scared that she will never get it together. I feel I try to balance on a fence, waiting to fall on the side of hope and recovery, the other side, death. Thanks for listening. M
6:32 am
October 17th, 2012
Just discovered this site. Read all the posts – cried, gasped, felt the agony of all the things I read. They ALL could have come from me. I know how you all feel – I feel the same things. Guilt – like I’ve failed at the one thing that’s more important to me than anything – a happy, healthy, child who becomes an adult, and “lives happily ever after”. There doesn’t seem to be stories of a “happily ever after” for any of them. Humiliation – mostly in the looks from people who have no idea what life with an addict is like. Who really cares what they think anyway? Still, those looks – like they’d NEVER let something like that happen in their homes; like they feel so sorry for all you have been through; like they have all the answers. Does anyone really have any answers? Anger – being lied to and manipulated, and having things you thought meant the world to you stolen and turned into a quick high, only to realize you’d trade all those things in a heartbeat for a way out of the nightmare your life has become. And then, there’s the first time you realize when you pull into the driveway of your own home you’d rather be ANYWHERE else. What’ll it be today? What kind of lies or BS will you have to sort through? What will be destroyed or gone? And my favorite – Where will you ever find the money this time? But yet you go in anyway, and it starts all over again.
All these kids – good kids – without dreams or hope or any chance of a future. I just can’t allow myself to believe there’s no hope. I’ve prayed – asked God to show me the way, even though I know it’s so little about me, and so much about the drugs, and the loser friends, and the depression. And I know in my heart there’s a way – but how to find it? I know I can’t make it happen. And it seems the prayers will never be answered – at least not the part with the return of the bright-eyed little boy who’d run to you with that big smile, and the “I love you mommy!” Yet, every now and then there’s a glimmer – something that makes you feel in your gut that the little boy you love so much is still in there – SOMEWHERE – lost and struggling (just like you) to find a way out.
So many of you say keep praying – “Let go and let God” – don’t give up hope. I REALLY struggle to keep anything that remotely resembles hope in my life now. Clearly counseling of some kind would be the right move. But again – where to start, how to find a place that can really help – not just send you a bill (or respectfully request payment at time of service) and schedule your next session, or worse – fill you with false hopes and dreams of restoring the life you desperately want back, with no REAL advise how to get there?
I don’t blame myself – but I realize that many of my decisions have been bad ones – even though I thought they were the best I could make at the time. And I am angry that it’s so difficult to find meaningful help for a problem that so many parents and kids share. Yes KIDS – whatever the age, these young people are NOT adults – not by any stretch of the imagination – and sadly, it doesn’t sound like many of them will live long enough to ever experience that part of their lives. They seem to be stuck in that horrible junior high school thing where everyone who’s “old” doesn’t understand anything, and doesn’t know how hard things are, and of course where their friends are the most important part of their lives, and protecting that bond takes priority over making the hard decisions or telling themselves no when the fun and excitement of yes is so much more appealing.
I came here hoping for an answer – a new idea of what to try – a chance for a way out. Is there anything that REALLY works? I know there’s not a “magic pill” – and God knows my son has checked them all out to make sure! I’m going to keep looking – but would certainly appreciate hearing of anything that worked – even if only for a short time. I’ll check the web sites listed in your blogs, and thank you for your help and words of encouragement. I’d like to offer the same to all of you. I won’t give up – but am realistic enough to know I may never find my way either. I sure hope some of you do! All of our kids deserve the “happily ever after” part of this mess. If one of us finds it – there’s hope for us all…
2:01 pm
October 17th, 2012
Well said Mary L. It’s hard to put into words for me , but you have said exactly how I feel. My 21 yr.old son has been struggling for over 3 yrs now. He has been under the care of a Dr. for 4 months who has him on Suboxone, Lorazapam,and Prozac. All this has done is keep him off heroin. Now we struggle with side effects of legal drugs. He did ok until the Prozac,which has his feelings all over the place. He needs counseling but doesn’t like meetings. He’s been to 2 rehabs, one costing 15,000.00 dollars, the other state funded as we have no more money to spend on his recovery. We have resorted to keeping him home, took his car away, a sort of rehab at home. I know we can’t keep this up indefinitely. Any suggestions on counseling preferably one on one would be appreciated! I pray constantly for his freedom from this nightmare and will never give up hope. I know the Lord has plans for him or he would not still be here.
4:49 pm
October 17th, 2012
very well said,Mary……..expecially the part about the humiliation of other people thinking that it would never happen in their home……
11:46 pm
October 17th, 2012
Mary, I’m so glad you found us. Even if there’s no fixing our kid’s and our lives here, just venting and knowing there’s others for support is helpful.
As for now, my youngest son is doing quite well for the past 2 months in this Christian ministry home. The ministry struggles for money for food, utilities, etc. Today I went to Costco and bought $200 for food to help support 9 men in just this one house (they have 20 houses). My son stays there for free, so the least I can do is buy some groceries to help out and I am happy to do it. Much to my surprise studying the bible and living by the word is something that I never in a million years thought my boy would be receptive to. He WANTS to stay, he WANTS to become a better human being. He’s never once asked to come back here. I am shocked. As I’ve said before, traditional rehabs X 3 has had little to no effect on him. Meetings, 12 steps, sponsors etc. were of no use to him. This is the 1st time he appears to be committed and serious. We’re living day by day and to be honest waiting for it to all blow up once again. That’s what we’ve been programmed to expect year after year. For many years our boy did all the usual addict stuff, cussed us out, blamed us for everything, lying, stealing etc. etc. etc. Now, he can’t tell us enough how he loves us and wants to be a part of our family once again after he’s earned our trust. I have never before heard these words from him. Part of me is very skeptical, but the other part of me wants to believe so badly. At least for now I have my 22 year old 6’4″ little boy back who loves his mommy. For this I am so grateful. If anyone here is from California I would be happy to give you the name of this ministry or others for both men and women. Although, they must be willing to go there on their own accord and I believe already detoxed.
Peace to all of you.
11:22 pm
October 18th, 2012
I’m so VERY HAPPY for you. I’ll pray for a lasting answer for your family! My son – also 6’4″, and will be 22 in a month – starts detox today! Maybe this time will have a better conclusion. He seems sincere, actually wanting to make a change. Hopefully this time, it’ll be a change FOR LIFE! If not – I’m afraid he won’t see 23…
5:16 pm
October 19th, 2012
Good luck and prayers to all……..
6:34 pm
October 19th, 2012
Prayers are with you and your family Mary for positive and lasting results. Him wanting to make a change is the first step. Keep us posted on his progress and try not to dwell on what’s happening with him. Take some time for yourself and live your life. This is his deal, not yours.
11:11 am
October 20th, 2012
Michelle, your youn son’s recording for his brother was truly beautiful, I couldnt help crying as I was listening to it. Thanks for sharing it with us and I hope his older brother finds it inspirational and uses it as a motivation for recovery.
10:35 pm
October 29th, 2012
I’m having a moment today – I started going to Al-non because I wanted to kill myself. As a parent I was the one that was sucidal. Today I think its funny that I was so miserable that I wanted to kill myself. After finally reaching out I am shocked that everyone has the a different version of the same story. So much brokeness in our familes and communities because of drugs. I am the mother of a 36 year old herion addict. She has been experiencing problems since about 13. I’ve done everything right and everythingn wrong and nothing has made a difference. She even shot up right in front of me and I told myself watch so that you will hate her and walk away but I didn’t hate her – if anything I felt such sorrow and sadness for what she had become. But today its all funny to me. You see this is a national tradegy and no one is doing a damm thing about it. Drug addiction along with the influx of drugs into this country is an act of terror initself to our way of life. And guess what – nothing is done about it. We do things for AIDS and Cancer and all other problems but what do we do for Drugs. Nothing. Its a billion dollar business for the rehabs. Look at the methadone clincs which by the way should all be shut down. Getting Subxone for your addict child cost a fortune. The Cartel has thier drug suppliers making home deliveries. Honestly this is insane. What a joke it all is. Its not logical. As parents we can’t fight this battle alone. Do we tell an aids patient hey we love you but you got to figure it out. No we dont. The addicts are treated like crap by parents and the public alike. We are dsigusted that someone was too weak to protect themselves yet we protect everyone else that cannot protect themselves. And here we are all trying to hold each other up and to help each other get through it all. It seems nuts and it is nuts. There is very little hope overall. And that’s the reality of it all. As parents we are doomed. Our lives have been hijacked and we are day by day caught in a limbo state of mind. They say the addict stops growing when they start using. Well so do we as parents. Our lives are stunted and most of us never recover, Some things work, some don’t. Do tough love but hey you risk you kid dying. And many do. Or they disappear never to be seen again. If you love your kids how can you stand by and do nothing. Listen we are at war – and we are dealing with this all wrong. We need to get drugs off our streets and out of our communities and out of our country. Its actually that simple. And it really does start with pot – we need to turn back the clock on that lie. Also our society is a pill pooping impatient socieity. Just see all the commericals on TV for medicine for that and this. Where does it stop. I have finally come to the end of my rope. After 22 years I am the one that is hitting rock bottom and I want off this ridiculous merry go round. My daughter isn’t even who I remember. She is just a shell. Inside she is gone.Our drug addicted children and the Zoombies. I work hard to keep a shell alive. Now that is insane. In the animal world the weak are left behind. We as humans fight for those that can;t fight for themselves. There is no answer, But I am over it all. I have to live my life now. 22 years is too much. I will always love my daughter but she is broken and she will always be broken even if she gets off the drugs. Our worlds and views are now completely opposite. We share nothing and she contributes nothing it seems. I beleive in God but this notion that he can heal, well I think people heal by seeking truth and doing the hard work of behavior modification. But most are not going to make it and they will lose the battle and the loss will extend to the entire family. I know my message seems hopeless but its not that. It just my humble opinion.Ultimately we each have to decide what we can really live with. Eventually you get to a point that it is about your own survival.
Blessings
4:44 pm
October 30th, 2012
Well, you just about covered it all, Rose. I understand completely. I know I have to live my life but how do I disassociate myself from my son. I just wish my husband and I could have done things differently so this might not have happened to him. But what would we have done???? Please take care of yourself, Rose. I still pray everyday because I feel so helpless that I would be able to change the situation.
7:10 pm
October 30th, 2012
Oh dear Rose…………….you are right, it is hopeless. Drugs are everywhere and the “war on drugs” is apparently a lost cause. But, WE cannot be hopeless. There is hope for our own lives and how we live it. There is hope that someday our kids may take control of their own lives and desire to live it for the better. As far as God healing, I believe he does that by consuming our problems when we give them over to him to release the burden from ourselves. I’ve said this before, God gave us all free will and he will not ever take that away. Our kids used that free will to do their 1st drug. We use our free will to take ourselves to the pits of hell. I’ve given my burdens over to God and have excercised my free will to live a good and productive life. That is not to say I don’t fall, I certainly do. But, once again I have to use my free will to climb out of that pit of hell. We all have much to give to our neighbors, community, country and the world. I have dedicated my life to helping others. This gives me a purpose. Putting others, people I know as well as strangers, ahead of myself seems to help fill that void of the loss of my child. Amazingly, not dwelling on my own problems makes me a much happier person. There are many, many in need. Them I can help. My son I cannot. He can only help himself. So it seems, he is trying his best right now to help himself. After repeated rehabs that didn’t help at all he is now in a Christian program for men who have the desire to change their lives. Much to my surprise he’s embraced it all. He too has given his burdens over to God and he is so full of love and remorse. He stays in the program as long as he needs. He doesn’t have any plans on leaving anytime soon. In retrospect, I am glad that I didn’t loose ALL hope. Only time will tell. Rose, I am not a church goer. But, God is a huge part of my life. Without him I would of been suicidal myself. Keep going to meetings. They will help you so much. It also helps me to know that I am not alone in my sorrow and that so many of you have said things that have really helped in MY recovery. Bless you all.
11:01 pm
October 30th, 2012
Yes Rose we are fighting an uphill battle against a sick society and a corrupt government who really has no will to do anything other than please and met every demand of the rich and elite. They dont really care about the drug issue because it mostly affects working class and the marginalised societies – pretty much, those that dont have the power. And if by some small chance the rich or elite become addicts they can afford to send them to the best rehabs as exorbitantly high costs. Yes Rose it sickens me to.
3:51 pm
November 1st, 2012
Good Morning and thank you all for your encouragement and sharing of hearts. I continue to go through growing pains this week and its painful. I against my better judgement put myself in the middle of a situation, again, involving my daughter in attempts to prevent her from being homeless. Now most will see I am once again enabling or rescuing but the truth of the matter is that I am doing what I can so that the mess that will be dumped at my door is at least smaller. You see when I don’t intervene I am then overwhelmed to the point of despair with my daughters problems. I have come to realize this week that I have been desperately trying to manage her life so that my life does not become any worse than it already is. However it is impossible to manage anything in this world especially things that are 100% out of our control. This morning at 6am she called and told me that I don’t have her back and that I am ruining her life and chances and that I am judgemental and well it went on and on. And I had to laugh because it become so crystal clear that I am responsible for stepping into the toxic waste that she creates. So from this day forward I must disengage from all things connected with her and mostly for my sake to tell the truth. I am so aware today that no matter what I do for her it wont make a difference. And that only she and her God can make a difference. I have been spinning my wheels for years under the guise that I am a loving and caring Mom in helping her but I now see that even though I do love her a great deal my “helping” has done nothing more than made my own life a complete and total mess. I guess the trick now is how to seperate myself while still being loving. This is the task at hand. I must learn to protect who I am and not continue to compromise my own personal values. If I decide to help her financiallly at any point I must do so as though it is a gift and not have any expectations nor worry about how the money is being used. I have to give and then release. That is the only way to help otherwise I should give nothing. I cannot give advice ever even if she ask. Instead I need to say I hear you and good luck with everything. If she or someone dealing with her tries to drag me into her problems I need to say I’m sorry but it is not my doing nor my responsiblity. There have been times that because of pride I have cleaned a mess up so that folks don’t think our family is trash. I have to get rid of pride as it relates to her. Although I certainly could have done a better job at some things overall I did a commendable job in raising her. I taught her from a young age about the perils of drug use and so forth. I was appropiately candid and a loving mother. And I was even a tough Mom. But she took even the smallest of reasons to experiment with drugs and then once she was hooked it was everyone elses fault and she has done nothing but thrown lies and fantasy and illogical thinking at us and I especially have taken it. As parents we do feel responsible and we also take on our childrens disappointments very personal. We want to be loved by them and we want to protect them. Sometimes in these endeavors we mess up and kids that have a tendency to addictions will use all these things to mess with our intelligence and common sense. We all know that most of these kids are really bright which baffles us parents even more – yet they use that intelligence to manipulate us 24 hours a day to the point that we lose our own personal identities and common sense prespective and we become these desperate depressed low self esteem parents grabbing at anything to change the situation and save our children from the clutches of addiction. What we don’t often get is that many of them like the drugs and have no intention of recovering. Sure some do when they hit thier rock bottom which is never what we think rock bottom is for them but overall its alot more kids that don’t recover and that;s the truth. Even if they stop thier addiction thier personalities remain impossible to deal with. And thier brains never really recover. So in the end even if they make it out they are always cracked and we remain viligent forever. That it itself is just heartbreaking. Today I have hope but not for her instead for myself. I have to release her completely and turn the attention to myself and the things I have to work on and fix that are now broken because of addiciton. I will not blame her anymore or judge her anymore and I will not try to control her anymore or fix her or save her. She will no longer be my responsiblity and I will not put myself in the middle of her problems ever again. Today I have learned a very important lesson in this toxic parent – child dance. That in my desperation to help her I have created a monster not just in her but in myself. I hope that in destroying my own monster that somehow it will at least take away the power of her’s. If not then I will not do battle with her’s or anyones for that matter. I will attend to my own life and only assist others through an orgaization but never on my own. I am not strong enough yet to honor my boundaries yet. My prayers will always be with all the parents who suffer and with all the lost children and I will keep some hope tucked into a corner of my heart always but please don’t tell anyone…..
11:35 pm
November 7th, 2012
Addiction is caused by a variety of factors, some genetic and some environmental.
There are messages that you can send your kid to help them develop the desire for recovery. There may be messages you are sending your kid without realizing it that your child is using to justify their addiction.
I don’t believe that just detaching and walking away from the problem is appropriate when it comes to a parent-child relationship. There is a delicate balance between detaching and engaging that we must walk as parents to show our children how valuable they are without sacrificing our own sanity.
Every parent wants their child to have the best chance at recovery. Never give up on your kid!
5:43 pm
November 13th, 2012
Unfortunately, I used to think like you, Eliana, but now Rose makes much more sense to me….I wish not but it is so….
1:33 pm
November 15th, 2012
I agree with Eliana, it’s very easy to get discouraged. I am there almost every day. Sometimes a text will set me off either way, that I am being manipulated or that recovery is just around the corner. In any event I can always choose, with my adult addict, how I can react, relate or recover. Sometimes one day at a time ,breaks down to an hour, or a minute or less. I use this mantra, if it helps anyone, “it’s a disease, like any other the treatment or not is at hand”. For me it makes it easier to detach. Causes frankly in my opinion are irrelevant. It is what it is, treatment/recovery is at the hands of the person afflicted. I say to my son often, “nothing changes, if nothing changes”, and you have to change. Peace, Jim
3:06 pm
November 15th, 2012
Jim, i agree with what you wrote. The change is in the hands of my daughter and her recovery is 100% up to her. She was clean for 5 months, slipped up once. but this time instead of feeling like why bother she is a loser and keep using, she got angry at herself and went right back to her meetings and now is clean for 2 months. It is a day by day, hour by hour recovery…and my saying to myself over and over is always. I did not cause it, I cannot cure it and I cannot control it !!!
5:24 pm
November 15th, 2012
Rose, very well said.
Our kids KNOW we love them deep down in their souls. Our love for them does not have to be on the condition that we succumb to their demands, manipulations etc. If they were to recover from their addictions, in the end they will respect us for not getting sucked into their insanity.The more they use and abuse us, the more they will use and abuse, taking it further each time. One of the lines I give to my son, “I love you so very much, but you must take charge of your own life. I will not make things easier for you nor will I make them harder”. For now he is free of drugs and thinking much clearer. The boy is grateful that we have taken this stand. He now feels empowered because we gave that power completely to him. This is a good thing. God bless each and every one of you.
6:11 pm
November 15th, 2012
After 22 years I have not been able to walk away but lately I have had to have much stronger boundaries in order to survive and in order to have any relationship with my daughter. Just last night at 3am I got a call from her that she needed someone to pay for a taxi home and she ended up in the ER with a horrible asthma attack. Since it was not drug related I helped her get home. But if it had been drug related I would not have helped her. She is starting to see that I am changing which is giving her pause in the choices she makes. She may fall again but if she does she is starting to understand that she alone will have to pick herself up. I tell her all the time that I love her and that I always will. But I am also telling her that I need to take better care of myself and that I will actually be putting myself first over her needs. Also that I choose to live my life void of drugs and bad behavior and that if she wishes to have a relationship with me she needs to do the same otherwise we will not be close. I have had to do the same with my brother who at 52 has a meth problem. He now knows that he cannot call me when he is high and he knows I will cut him out completely if he goes on a drug high rant with me. He recently shared that my stronger boundaries actually helps him.
I have been through hell and back with my daughter time and time again. Its taken me to the point of rock bottom in my own life. Today I am choosing life and choosing myself. That does not mean I don;t love her anymore or that I may never help her anymore however I will not sacrafice my own life anymore either. I have known many addicts and I don’t believe in the diease labeling of such. I feel it is more a behavior issue and a character flaw within people. Also if you look and believe in the diease of addiction and compare it to other illness why are not addicts doing all they can to heal as are with convential illness. You see I think that labeing just gives addicts more permission to use just like I don’t support relasping. Again just tells them hey its okay to relaspe or that relaspe is part of recovery. That’s just a complete falsehood set up to take the pain away from the families dealing with them. That is my own opinion after years of dealing with this and years of studing this destructive elment in our society. In any event each person must find what method for survival works best for them, In the past it was always to stand by her side at all cost but today its too stand at my own side and to get out of the way of her and God’s journey and instead attend to my own relationship with God and with myself. And yes service to others that is truly appreciated and makes a difference can help us feel like we are giving rather than service to our sick addicted children who only throw all gifts away. We need to find ways to lessen the power of drugs over our lives and maybe then they will take notice enough to think clearly and want that change for themselves.
Blessings to all.
5:14 pm
November 16th, 2012
Rose,
Myself, I don’t buy into addiction as a disease either. I’ve often heard that it’s a disease just like diabetes is. The diabetic did not make the choice to be diabetic. The addict did however make the choice to begin using. I know they did not choose to be an addict, but by even using the first time it opened them up to addiction. As for my son, he was taught that. Therefore, he chose this lifestyle. Now kicking the habit is the issue. A person cannot kick being a diabetic. In my opinion labeling addiction as a disease removes all responsibility from the addict. Oh, he can’t help it, he’s got a disease, NONSENSE. This also opens us parents up to giving into their manipulations and lies because they can’t help it. Nar-anon and/or al-anon believe in the disease theory which is not for me, although, they do have much to offer as far as taking care of ourselves. This is only my opinion and I do not expect anyone to agree.
My son for the moment is doing well. Although, I approach him very cautiously, but optimistic. I cannot completely open myself up to him. I assume it will take many years of sobriety and honesty from him to slowly become the mother to him I long to be. Trust will not come easy for me nor my husband. Drug use over the years has robbed us of our precious child. Drug use steals from us what should be a given after lovingly raising and guiding our children. Even after they are clean our mistrust remains. We have been programmed to expect chaos.
6:29 pm
November 19th, 2012
The holidays are upon us once again. I’m dreading it, as I’m sure most of you are too. The past 2 Thanksgivings have been a nightmare. My sons shows up talking a good game and both times has ended up storming out of the house angry and unreasonable. Prior to these 2 years we did not see him at all. This year he’s been sober for months and is begging to come home for Thanksgiving. He says over and over again how grateful he is for the family he has and how he wants to make amends for all the hell he’s put us all through. I so much want to believe in him, but he’s fooled us before many, many times. I have told him that I refuse to walk on egg shells in my home at any time and especially the holidays. I refuse to have yet another holiday ruined. He has taken all responsibility for his actions. Still, I cannot bring myself to believe in him. What do I do, refuse him or give in and just see how it goes? It’s a shame, this kid has me running so scared. Any suggestions?
10:01 pm
November 19th, 2012
Hi Linda-
I am in agreement with you on the diease concept. So many people wish to argue that with me but it makes no sense. Sometimes I think that we are fed this so that we have something to blame it on or make something else responsible because it can be so painful for most parents to deal with the truth. As parents we can so easily blame ourselves or ask ourselves whether we messed up or not. I use to feel responsible for many years but once I got to the point of having done everything possible then I realized that she always had a choice. God gives all free will. Some choose great things and some don’t, Its not that they are bad but they may not be as healthy as others. In hindsigh I can know look at the past more honestly and I can see where things started to unravel. At the time I did not see it clearly so I did the best I could with the information and tools I had at the time. Kids should not experiment. That’s another excuse people manufacture that kids will experiment. Well no not all do. And the ones that do make themselves very vulnerable to a horrible life. We teach that addiciton is a diease and that relaspe is part of healing and that its acceptable to experiment and even to allow our kids to find thier voice and so forth. Honestly knowing what I know now that;s all a bunch of falsehoods. As for Al-non I take what works for me and leave the rest there. There is alot that I do not agree with and that’s fine. There are things that I can learn from the program but until I see or feel differently I will honor the conclusions that I have come to on my own journey.
Also I don’t need the gentleness that comes from all the labels. I like to confrront and with truth head on. In some ways programs offer a safe haven so that we can rest before another crisis. My feeling is that each person must figure what they can live with. Some people can do okay living with addiction. I am not one of those. I need my personal space to be without toxic drama. I’d rather pay for an apt for my daughter not because I am enabling her but because I don’t want her in my space. I can live with that.Take care, God bless and Happy Thanksgiving. I am today grateful that I am learning to find ways to be joyful even when there is chaos all around me.
12:01 pm
November 20th, 2012
I do think some diabetics “choose” to be a diabetic when they choose to eat unhealthy, not exercise, use tobacco, etc…..As far as alcoholism/drugs I do think it is a disease – a disease in the brain, somthing in the thinking that wants and craves the drugs for whatever reason…If you could change the thinking which is a physical part of the brain, I suppose you could change the life….God bless all in this Thanksgiving week…
4:32 pm
November 20th, 2012
For those having a tough time with the question of disease or not a disease, please watch a dvd entitled Pleasure Unwoven. The person in the film is a M.D. who is also a recovering addict. It is a wonderful tool and explains very clearly addiction and what happens in the addicted brain. It is well worth the $20 or so for the cost. I have loaned my copy out many times. Watch it and then watch it again. Sending out prayers and hugs to all dealing with this issue. My two sons are now 5 and 6 months sober (heroin) and doing better than they ever have. Praying it continues.
8:18 pm
November 20th, 2012
I did something different this week. My daughter called and was very depressed about a love interest This had been a toxic relationship and also inappropiate. I have not supported it because of those things. Anyhow the partner was cruel again and drinking and hurt by daughter a great deal. So once again they broke up and my daughter said she was done. About a week later my daughter was no again in denial and very depressed. She had not left her room, eaten or gotten up from bed for 48 hours. I called her and she was so rageful and angry blaming others for ruining her chances at true love. That is what she believed. Anyhow she was so despondent and insane and I just listened and then told her that if she felt much worse that maybe she could check hereself into a hospital. I told her and loved her then hung up. I prayed for her and that’s it. Usually my typical response would have been to call all over town and talk to mental health hosptials and to have arranged for her to go somewhere and so forth. I would have wasted hours on this looking for a way to ease her pain and suffering and so forth. But I did none of it and I am so grateful that I learned this type of compassion from Al-Anon. Anyhow a few days later she texted that she knew I had prayed for her (which I had). She thanked me and said she was feeling much better and things seemed more clear to her understanding. So you see we don;t always have to spin out of control and try to do things. Her recovery, her life, all of it is her choice. I can only stand near to love her but not to do for her what she can do for herself.
I am encouraged that focusing on myself rather than her will be not only me healing but her as well.
Blessings to all!
6:07 pm
November 23rd, 2012
So glad I found this place. My son is in jail was found breaking in to someone house has been dealing heroin… He is 33 yrs old not a child anymore but still just as painful when we went through this when he was 19. I feel he is so broken he will never come back from this and yet I know as long as he is alive he has a chance. being here helps, Thank you all… my heart goes out to each and everyone one of you.
4:39 pm
December 6th, 2012
Oh how i so dislike the holidays!
Went to visit with my son Thanksgiving..had a wonderful relaxing time. Came back to find out my daughter relapsed and was using Meth again. She quit her job, her excuse is she can’t work without getting high and she does not want to be high anymore. but now all the mental health issues is coming up, the detox again and my consent worry. what if her husband leaves her like he did before…how will she make it survive? I cannot support her, she cannot live with me unless I ended my own marriage. and this i will not!!!
Does the worry concern ever stop…is there ever any peace for us parents?? 29 years old and been using since she was 16! I am tired and to be honest not sure i can take this anymore. Working long hours to pay off loans family members co signed that she ran from..just tired!
7:18 pm
December 8th, 2012
My 31 year old son has a long history of drug abuse. I allowed him to live with me since Feb of 2012. He worked and did well and then the drugs started again but he went deeper into because he was manufacturing and using meth. I was finding all the things used to manufacture meth inside and outside of the house and his room smelled like chemicals all the time. I warned him repeatedly if he didn’t stop and get help I would evict him and that if I found anything else on the premises I was calling the cops. I decided to have him evicted anyway because I couldn’t take the madness any longer and last Monday he came home and left again and I noticed he went down the side of the house and then left with a guy in a truck. I went outside to look around and found a duffel bag behind the bushes with Coleman Fuel, Sudafed, cold packs, lithium batteries so I called the cops. He came rolling in an hour later and didn’t know I had called the cops. They found syringes and a little less than a gram of meth on him. He was arrested for manufacturing meth and possession. I am racked with guilt that I called the police on my son but I was afraid he would blow himself or my house up. If the DEA had determined my house was an active Meth Lab, it would have been quarantined and cost us thousands of dollar to have it decontaminated. They couldn’t say for sure he mfg in his room but they found evidence that he was mfg in my outdoor shed. When they searched his room they found more syringes and I’ve since learned he was shooting up about every four hours so he was on it bad. He went from 160 lbs to 123 lbs when booked into jail and he’s 6 ft tall. Again, I was watching him die right before my eyes so I felt I had to do something. This is so painful, I can’t stop crying, I feel like rat snitch. Anyway, after 5 days I bonded him out with a court ordered bond that he be released to the custody of a drug recovery home and must complete the program. Any violation and he goes back to jail. I don’t think he wants recovery and will more than likely bolt but when they find him he’ll do a lot of time in prison and they will find him. What a nightmare.
9:10 pm
December 8th, 2012
Linda, my heart goes out to you. I’ve know what my son’s addiction has done to my family. My daughter will no longer speak to me because she says I’ve put my son above everyone else in the family.
My husband has Alzheimer’s so he really doesn’t understand how I feel or what has been going on over the last 6 months. Sometimes, I don’t feel like living anymore, I’m so beat down. Two children that hate me for different reasons but it hurts deep. I’m guilt ridden about calling the cops on my son but I really felt I had no choice because even if the eviction had taken place he would have continued to make and use meth, he would have been calling me for money because he had no place to live or no food to eat and probably ended up dead so maybe I saved his life but that’s up to him. Ironic how they always have money for the drugs but no money to provide a roof over their head or food. Things will never be the same but I wasn’t the one breaking the law, he was.
12:50 am
December 9th, 2012
Dear Trinity, you definitely did the right thing and I know its hard for you. I too had to evict my son (because of continual drug use on my premises) so I understand what your going through. And yes I constantly feel guilt even though I know it is for the best. I guess they’ve just got to learn to take responsibility for their own actions even if they make mistake after mistake along the way. My thoughts are with you and I hope things improve soon.
1:39 am
December 9th, 2012
Trinity….You did the 1 and only thing you could do…I also am so tired of it all and cried most of yesterday…Went to yoga today and the meditation was on letting go of everything out of our control…And for today it helped but tomorrow is another day but I will try so hard to remember to be grateful for the good in my life…Trinity, I pray and hope for the best for you and your family….
2:01 am
December 9th, 2012
Rose: It sounds like you are now in a really good place for yourself. You are right. It is so very hard. I have been in this toxic dance for 10 years, almost half of my daughter’s life (she’s almost 25 now).
Some times it has been easier to detach than others. Right now we are not in touch and I miss the child I had. The hardest times are when I see a glimpse of that child returning. It’s so hard to accept that glimpses always end.
Good for you for being strong at last;
7:33 am
December 10th, 2012
Trinty – I also called the cops on my daughter years ago when I allowed her to stay with me and I caught her doing herion. She could not believe that I did it and cried out for me not to let the cops take her. I did it anyway and let her stay there until they let her out. Honestly I’d rather have her in jail then free doing herion. The jail time helped – she stayed clean (not sober) for almost 5 years.
As for the debate about the diease aspect. My opinion is mine, everyone has one. But regardless it really is not relevent to what the loved ones are going through. If its a diease it does not lessen the pain and suffering that these addicts are causing the rest of us. I don’t think we should excuse them because it might be an illness. That’s hogwash. All this nonesense is just to try and make us feel better. The truth is addiction is horrible and destructive and most of the damage cannot be reveresed ever. Some make it out and really turn thier lives around more don’t. The way I see it our entire society and goverment is losing the war on drugs big time. As parents we need to do all we can but even then it might not be enough. If I had to do it all over again I would have never gave my daughter money or paid her rent or gotten her out of all the situations. I would have been much tougher a long time ago. Instead I wanted to help her, protect her, love her but in enabling her I screwed up. The result were two broken lives not just one. I should have locked her up while I still had control of her but once she turned 18 it was all over. I had lost her for the time being. I’ve been at this game for 22 years. It does not get easier or less painful but I am learning to live my life with joy regardless of the choices she makes. If she is sick she can decide to get well. Period. She is not my responsibility, I love her so much but today I am choosing to love myself more and first. I work my program in Al-alnon which has saved me. I am the one that hit rock bottem and I wnated to die just a few months ago. Today I want to live. Today I no longer let her problems consume me or my time. I am nice to her and love her but I don’t allow her to manipulate or do I allow her to infect me or my life with her choices. I tell her I love her all the time. But I no longer try to control or cure her. That’s her job whether she is sick or not. I might help her with rent or a bag of groceries or a haircut but she cannot live in my house and I will not give her cash nor will I pay for everything like I did before. She can get food stamps so thier is not reason for her to strave. There are shelters everywhere. Let her feel the pain and consequences of her choices. If she can live with that then that’s her business. I recently read “My Beautiful Boy” by Sheff. I would recommend it to all parents. I also read the book his son wrote about his struggle with Meth. That was hard to read but I forced myself. I look at both my daugther and my brother both who have had serious challenges with drug use. Both of thier lives suck and until such time they stop doing drugs life will be horrible. None of us need to feel quilt for that. It is thier choice diease or not. As strange as it sounds I actually feel more love for my daughter than ever before. But instead of being angry and actally have compassion but that does not mean that I have to take care of her. I pray for her daily, go to my daily alanon meeting and do all I can to take care of myself. For now things are calmer and she seems okay, I realize that might change anytime and if it does I will deal with things but I will do so with new wisdom and courage and a newfound trust that God is in charge of her and that they will eventually work it out. I no longer need to get it the way of that.
May God bless you all and provide each of you with comfort and grace and a clear path out of the misery and suffering from loving an addict.
11:55 pm
December 30th, 2012
Has anyone ever “baker acted” their child? (mandatory mental evaluation). Did it help? I feel helpless like I should do something before something bad happens but don’t know what to do.
1:17 am
December 31st, 2012
The USA has lost the war on drugs. In our local newspaper recently, I read an article that told readers that death by OD was at an all time high in the city that houses our state capital. As I write this tonight, a friend’s daughter is facing homocide charges for delivering to someone who OD and died. My son is facing 10 years in prison and hasn’t bothered to even follow through in getting a public defender, which is a violation of the bond conditions he is to follow after fencing over $125,000 in stolen property. He is also on probation for burglarizing our home and taking over $10,000 in items that were passed down through our generations. My son looks years older than he actually is, hasn’t worked on anyones payroll for years, relies on charity, public assistance and the money he can get from selling foodstamps or stealing whenever the opportunity presents itself.
I’ve initiated contact with the police on several occasions believing that he is better off in jail than dead, and any guilt I had for making those calls is long gone. He either needs to sit or will die. As I said, he is on probation and recently was taken by ambulance to the ER after on OD. The police were called and I’d assumed that since this is a violation of his probation, he’d be returned to jail, but that didn’t happen. I’m not sure anyone really cares anymore, because this problem is so huge. I’ve had him arrested twice, and gotten him incarcerated on a probation violation but it seems that unless I do, no one else does. And I have to ask myself, to what end? He continues to use regardless of the consequences.
I went through a very dark time with all of this and I no longer have the capacity to love unconditionally. I will only allow him into my heart and life again when he is drug free. And you know what? If he OD’s and dies, it’s not because of what I need to do to protect myself, it is because he is an addict and cannot control the disease. This is heartwrenchingly sad, but true and I will not allow him to ruin my life too. I liken this is Alzheimer’s Disease, which is described by loved ones as the disease of two deaths. First the lost of self and awareness, the second the lost of the body. His body lives, but Heroin is always first and foremost on his mind.
God bless you all. My wish for you is to not loose yourselves to an adult child’s addiction. You cannot control it, you can only control yourself.
12:55 pm
December 31st, 2012
Oh, Sue, it is all so heartbreaking especially at this time of the year when all is magnified…I also am so tired of rearranging my life for my son….I know that when he was inpatient this summer, I remember the counselor repeating not to lose your own life over the life of your loved one when you have tried so hard to help that person…2013 is a new year and I look forward to it but I also know that I will know the fate of my son and I am scared to death over that….Good luck and God bless your own life and all others who suffer as we do…..
1:34 pm
December 31st, 2012
Is there any way to get jails and prisons to offer truly beneficial addiction treatment to those incarcerated? They all say that they do, but this is B.S.
7:11 pm
January 2nd, 2013
Dear Sue, I was very touched by your story and I am so sad you have to face this. It is absolutely true, you have done all that you can. I too believe the system sucks. Even for those with means putting your child in rehab 5-10 times only to see all your money gone, your hopes destroyed and your future dark. Thank you for your blessings and kind words, I’ll keep you and your entire family in my prayers. Jim
12:01 am
January 3rd, 2013
We are living in the age of BS. SK. Mental health services say they provide life skill support, drug counselling and CBT therapy but that is also BS. The only thing Mental health provide is medication and most clients will give it up as soon as they step out of the Acute care setting.
I so yearn for governments that do more than just duplicity but the question is how do we get them to be more accountable to the public especially when everything centre’s around budget deficits.
2:10 am
January 5th, 2013
Addiction is epidemic. No way to know just how many. There just isn’t a simple answer. When we were kids using drugs was taboo and left to the low lifes. The only homeless were concentrated on skid row. Now experimenting with drugs and alcohol is socially acceptable to a point. Now, homeless are everywhere, even in small towns. Back then all the social programs were not in place, now they aren’t. What’s wrong with this picture? The norms have changed and we have to ask ourselves why and when. Rehab doesn’t work, All the therapy in the world doesn’t help. Education in schools isn’t effective. Education at home doesn’t mean a hill of beans. The changes in social attitudes has not served us well, teenage pregnancies, drugs, lack of respect for authority etc. etc. etc. is just out of control. Maybe we ought to be concentrating on the causes as a whole society because the treatment of the devastating symptoms sure isn’t working.
Thinking back in the day when everyone was was accountable for their actions and the bad deeds weren’t blamed on guns, parenting, or society etc. for the most part it worked, not perfectly, but it worked. Now, everyone has a scapegoat to blame their actions on and it is accepted as valid. As for me, I’m my son’s scapegoat and so many people just blindly accept it. Sad, so sad.
3:13 pm
January 5th, 2013
Well, I haven’t cried in a long time over my son, but your support and empathy brought tears to my eyes especially knowing that it comes from people who really understand. Even thought parents of addicts are all around us, it’s a lonely existence. It took a long time for me to get over my feelings of shame and guilt because so often the first thing people say is “where were the parents?” Fortunately, I never had guilt over my parenting style, I loved, nurtured and respected that boy without coddling or making excuses for the things he did, I always held him accountable. I did geel guilty about the not knowing. How could I live with someone as addicted as him without seeing it? That still baffles me. Looking back, there were signs, but looking back does me absolutely no good.
Looking forward I think about our mental health and substance abuse system and services. They are inadequate, but that’s nothing new and quite frankly, these systems don’t respond to persons who are addicted like they did 20 years ago. Responsibility is placed squarely on the persons shoulders, and offers of service are made, but are not impassioned, offering a service without connecting with a person doesn’t really open a new door. But that is reality and that takes me back to who really cares? The system is overwhelmed with addicts, volunteer organizations and homeless shelters are as well. Families are turning their backs and people are dying. So what can we do?
I, for one, am considering organizing a support group for parents of addicted children. That is something I can do with conviction and passion given my background. It may not do a lot for our addicted children, but who really knows? Right now our motto is “Say No to Drugs” and I bet we all said it, I didn’t have the knowledge or a place to turn to truly understand what addiction looks like and how I could have responded, so if it can give even a few parents a sense of community, I believe that this make a significant difference.
1:56 am
January 11th, 2013
I have two young adults who are addicted to heroin. One is trying to get sober & the other is trying to avoid getting caught by the police.
I would love to start a program in my area for parents like us. It is so hard. You don’t realize how many other parents are in the same situation. Instead you suffer in silence and shame.
I went to a meeting in October (the only one this group has had so far) and there were about twenty five parents there. Every single parent there had a heroin addict for a child. EVERYONE of them! I left that meeting with a new attitude about the addiction. “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it”… this is my new motto.
My boys do not live with us any longer. They are no longer welcome at our home, having stolen anything they could sell. Since we asked them to leave, my oldest daughter has moved back home now that the drug addicts are gone. My house is filled with peace. I worry about my boys, don’t get me wrong, it is just not in my face on a daily basis.
It is so hard to have no one who understands to talk to. I have tried to talk to other parents, but most don’t really understand addiction. They think you did something wrong. They think that if you keep your kids busy enough it will not happen to them. They are so wrong!
4:21 pm
January 11th, 2013
My son is 23 and a diabetic and an iv drug user. He has had 9 surgeries to drain abcesses or tissue from infected sites where he shoots up. He has just about driven me insane. The sweet, kind, loving child I raised only exists when he is trying to con me or family members out of money.
9:05 pm
January 11th, 2013
I made my son leave my home 3 days ago after finding 6 syringes and a meth pipe in his jacket pocket. After bailing him out of jail 1 time for mfg meth and possession he was arrested again on another mfg meth charge and possession of paraphernalia. Stupid me bailed him out again because he vowed he go into rehab. That never happened and now I’m in the hole $3500 and he has continued to use meth and as Amy said at least it’s not in my face everyday now. He has no intention of stopping and if he doesn’t show up for his court dates I’ll be held responsible for the $35,000 if they can’t find him. It’s a mess and I enabled but not any more. I should have left him in jail the first time but addicts are career liars and a parent wants to believe they will stop the addiction madness but they can’t. Either he’ll die or get arrested again or he’ll run. If he runs, at some point they’ll find him and then he’ll spend 30 years in prison. They say the addict has to hit bottom and the bottom is different for everyone. Truth is, I don’t think there is a bottom for my son. It’s very sad and pathetic to watch my son killing himself but it is what he chooses and I will no longer worry about him or help him.
8:30 am
January 12th, 2013
Happy New Year to you all but then again as parents of addicts it seems every holiday and every new year is stressful, frusterating, heartbreaking and so on. We all have the same story more or less, and our families are broken beyond repair quite frankly. As tough and fearless as I have become I feel for yet another lie. My daughter who had been out of state for about 8 months asked to borrow money to come home for Christmas. She said thanksgivng had been so lonely and she really needed to come home. She said she was working and that she would have her work send me her check. I believed her which is laughable now – so here she was on Christmas Day and the minute I laid eyes on her I knew I had make a terrible mistake. I was so excited to see her as I had no even seen a picture of her in the entire time. But what I say was a strung out criminal. She came to our house and its been the worse time ever. First of all she had an abcess explode in our guest bathroom/bedroom and that was just horrible. I walked in on her one day accidentaly and almost passed out from the horror of her body. She has abbcess scars and needle marks throughout her entire body! Her legs look like someone shot her with a machine gun. I guess since all her veins are collaspsed she now shoots up in her muscle areas. She swore she was clean but not only did I find a needle in her suitcase but found one of my spoons from my best set hidden in a jacket pocket. She swore she did not know how it got there. There was several days that she went crazy and disappeared overnight and then we discovered that she had stolen $80 in change from our vacation savings. She also stoled money I had given her to get a bus pass since she does not drive or have a license. She also never paid her previous roomate for the utilities and spent that money ($180). This was the icing on the cake. In 20 years we have spent close to$400K on her and for what. I told her that if she continues to please do us all a favor and just kill herself. I meant it and I don’t even feel bad for saying it. I feel no quilt or shame or responsiblity or pity or anything. This is not my daughter. I buried her years ago when the sweetness left her face. I have buried her time and time again in my mind – but she keeps coming back and each time its worse and worse. She is a criminal and can’t tell the truth at all anymore. I liken her to all the other addicts who are the walking dead in my opinion. As for our Goverment they gave up long ago. I think they want this kids to die and for the families to fall apart. Otherwise more would be done about this insane problem especially with Meth and heroin, REhabs are nothing more than a rip off, its a billion dollar business and it does not work. So here we are desperate parents and we just about kill ourselves to help our kids. I say forget it. We have to stop this. There is an answer but if they don’t want to help themselves then we should not help them at all. Or baby them. Or believe thier lies and so forth. Yesterday my daugher left and moved into a shared situation I told her that she can never come home again. I told her that she interferes with my recovery and my serenity and my abiity to grow so therefore she is not welcome here. I told her that if she blows this new living arrangement that she can go to the local rescue mission for all I care. I told her if she comes here or harrass me that I will obtain a restraning order. I really don’t give a rat’s ass anymore. Naturally I hope she makes it but she is going to have to do it on her own from now on. I will not feel one bit guility if she does not. I figure this is all between her and her maker. If she’s broken she can get fixed but it isn’t going to be on my time or dime anymore. She will have to earn our trust and respect. WE are not longer just handing it to her because she’s our daughter. We all overdue for our kids and that’s why they can’t do for themselves. Our society is fostering handicap worthless dependent people. Its not okay. The drugs coming into this country is not okay. The mental health system is not okay. The lack of goverment and leadership with this problem is not okay. None of us want to be enablers or co-dependents but if we are responsible we fight and do what we can with the tools at our disposal but here’s the thing. The majority of young people who do these drugs that make it are so so few. Most will not. Most families won’t survive this emotionally or financially. I say cut your losses and get back on track with your own life. Until they feel the pain of having nothng and nobody they will not lift one finger to help themselves. My heart goes out to all of you. This illness is devasting to not only the addict but those that love that addict. We have to forget about them and change ourselves and live to have joy and happiness regardless of what our kids are doing to themselves. WE have to have some measure of protection for ourselves. WE have to have strongere boundaries. WE can’t for one second let down our guard. I recently did and it blew up in my face once again. I will not continue to be held hostage by this situation. God Bless each of you and comfort you as you battle this situation. I think more parents need to come together and form locals support groups. Together maybe we can at least save ourselves.
11:10 am
January 12th, 2013
I lost my daughter on the 30th November 2012. I got a phone call at about 6.30am from an paramedic to say that Amber had died. They were concerned for her 3 children, twin girls of 7 and a little boy of 8. She died next to them and the little boy couldn’t wake her up.
My life turned into your worst nightmare on this day.
I rushed to her home and luckily the kids had been rescued by a relative. I live 3 hours away. Amber had a bad heart, but until this day I didn’t know that she was living a secret life. We never seemed to get along, she would constantly attack me and push me to my limits, something that started from the time that she was 14. I just thought that she was a difficult teenager. She was asked to leave home at 16 and like many parents on here, she told countless lies about me to get what she wanted. At 16 she was addicted to panadeine forte. An Indian doctor thought it okay to give her 10 boxes at a time. When I talked to mental health, they sent me away saying that Amber was 16 so they weren’t able to discuss her with me. I honestly thought that she overcame it. By 18 she was using Speed but supposedly gave up with she was pregnant. She had a little boy, followed by twins. The multiple birth caused a rare form of cardiomyopathy, but Amber would have been okay had she not of abused her body, Until November the 30th I had no idea that she was now addicted to Oxycont, meds for pancratitus. The pancreatitus was spasmodic, but a doctor whom didn’t seem to care administered oxycontin like lollies. I had no idea that she was taking a packet of mersyndol a day. I honestly don’t think that the codeine addiction had ever stopped. I had no ides thatt she was selling oxycontin or using it to control others to steal for her. I had no idea that her sister whom had suffered a head injury was also addicted. Amber had given it to her for head aches after a fractured skull. I had moved away and only received texts when they wanted money. A friend of theirs had died from suicide and I was asked to give them space. I sent them money thinking it was for the kids food. In the past 6 weeks I have found out that Amber was also sedating the kids with catapresss. My daughter whom was the most delightful child had become a monster. The kids were living in filth. No bills had been paid and my daughter with the head injury was too terrified to mention anything to her mum and by this time needed the oxycontin that Amber so keenly gave her sister.
I keep asking why didn’t I travel to see them. I honestly thought that they were okay together looking out for each other. I didn’t feel that I would be very welcome when they never answered my calls.
I am so traumatised and keep wondering if I could have saved her if I had known and could have at least tried to help her. I never got to say goodbye and don’t know how to feel right now. I am so disturbed by the way that she treated the kids. They stayed with me for a few weeks and are now living with their dad. It will take them years to recover. Amber couldn’t manage to take them to school. All the signs were there, but were hidden from me. Somehow the system also overlooked this. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I am so angry.
I now have to deal with the other daughter and get her off the drugs. I will do whatever it takes to get her over this.
This site has helped me, so many families have been through the same thing. I am blaming myself for not knowing what was going on. My son stayed there 3 months ago and didn’t notice a thing apart from the house being dirtier than usual and is beating himself up for not knowing either.
Talking to Amber on the phone recently you wouldn’t have know that there was anything wrong. She was very clever and kept me away to prevent me from finding out things that I would have not accepted. I can forgive her for her addiction. I can’t forgive her for supplying medication to others and helping with their addiction and I can’t forgive her for her careless regard for her childrens safety.
I am wondering what is so wrong with our world, that these kids can’t face living without artificial substances. I know that Amber had a great childhool with lots of love. I wouldn’t have changed the way in which she was brought up.
I know that my life will never be the same, but I will certainly try and make sure that my other daughter looses her addiction, even if it means a jail sentence. I will make sure that my grandkids have every possible chance to get over the things that they have seen and experienced. Things that kids just shouldn’t have seen.
2:47 am
January 14th, 2013
Hello
Our son is addicted to H as well as prescriptions medications. He is recently coming from rehab. His expectations of us are unrealistic. He wants trust overnight, something we cannot give. We want him to account for his actions and where he spends his money . He feels like he is in jail. He is 22 years old and has been using for a few years now. He moved back home a few months ago and we wrote a contract saying that if he used in our home he would have to leave. Of course that happened and he moved out. He decided a week or so later to go to rehab. He is now out of rehabs and back home, but feels like he is on lock down. I am not sure what he means exactly. I tried to to I to him about it last night on the way to a meeting. He just gets defensive and won’t talk. I have asked him what he thinks is realistic and he won’t say. Is there a list of common expectations from the addict as well as the ones living with the addict. Any experience, strength, or hope is welcome.
6:29 pm
January 14th, 2013
Dear Tammy-
This is going to be a difficult time so the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and start attending Al-anon meetings as often as you can. Also read Sheff’s book “My Beautiful Boy” as well as his son’s Nic Sheff’s book “Tweak”. These will help you understand what you will be up against. Here’s the thing. With these drugs any short term rehab will do nothing. Once these kids are on these types of drugs they need at least 9 months to a 1year and even then the sucess rate is low but it is higher the longer the program. My heart goes out to you as I know just how hard this thing is to deal with. Ultimately you did not cause it, you can’t control it and you cant cure it. He will have to be the one to make the choices and right now he is already trying to manipulate you by stating he is in lock up. You must stay very strong. You cannot trust him. He needs to understand that he must earn everything (trust, respect, etc.) and that nothing will be giving to him easily. At this time he should not have access to money either if possible – if he is not in a out patient program then he needs to do meetings daily. Best of luck and know that this is between him and God and that you can pray for him but don;t try to protect him or enable him or get in the way of what he must learn. Don;t cover for him ever. Don;t get mad, stay calm always but insist on truth only. God Bless.
6:41 pm
January 14th, 2013
Oh Allison I am so sorry for these tragic loss. In my mind I have buried my daughter time and time again but I can;t imagine what it might be like if she actually overdosed. I think my feelings would be mixed. Partly it would be so sad that someone destroyed thier life in this manner but partly I would be relieved that the suffering does not have to continue. And it is suffering for not only the addict but all those that love and surround them. The thing I would tell you is that it is not your fault at all. You need to know that and believe it. Addicts are usually highly intelligent people and they become masters at living a double life. Not even an expert would have known if she was that good at hiding it. And what if you did know. You could have done nothing. People cannot be controlled. They can be punished if they are put in jail but otherwise they can’t be controlled. It is a choice they make and it becomes an addiction and subsequently an illness. There are alot of broken families because of drug addiction. Addiction is out of control in our society both legally and illegally. Yet our goverment refuses to say or do anything about it. There seems to be no answers but I will say that the most important thing now is that you take care of yourself and that you try to have honest loving compassionate dialouge with your other daughter and hopefully she will do what she needs in order to beat down her addiciton. Long term programs are the best. Most cities have city sponsored ones that don’t require huge amounts of money. They won’t be lush but they will be effective. Also God works for alot of people if they believe in God. Just remember to not become co-dependent or enable. Try Al-anon meetings to provide you with better coping and communication skills. Loving any addict or alcholic is very hard and you can lose yourself completely if you are not aware of your own flaws. WE all have them but they can be magnified when we are dealing will addictions. May the Lord comfort you and may you find peace somewhere on this journey soon. Hang in there. Again not your fault at all. She made the choice. Most important is the well being of those children. Be well
5:34 pm
January 15th, 2013
I needed this reminder today. I’ve been on this road since Jr. High days and he is rapidly approaching 21. I keep banging my head against the wall with my ex husband. He doesn’t help much–says he will and then has excuses. I’ve been called an enabler for giving him a place to stay–but no one knows what they would do in my circumstances. I’m setting firmer boundaries, reassuring him of unconditional love and trying to take care of myself and my other child.
Thank you for your wise words. Makes me feel less alone.
8:21 pm
January 17th, 2013
Just wondering if anyone knows any pros or cons about Teen Challenge……I have a friend whose son might be going there….and she knows that her son has to do the work but she’d like more information…..Thanks and hoping everyone is feeling some peace…….
Tammy, you asked a great question about expectations about your child living at home because of all of the problems….Your son is 22 and mine 28……I also would wonder about that…
5:36 pm
January 21st, 2013
Tammy – Maybe it’s just me, but I would question his motive for going to rehab. So he contracts with you to not use in order to live at home, violates and doesn’t like the consequences. He goes to rehab, but there is no attitude adjustment? If that’s correct, he’s far from recovery. It may be that the next time he uses, going to rehab or not, he needs to face the reality of what it’s like ot lose the warmth and comfort of his home and family. After my son burglarized our home, I told him that when he got out of jail, he was on his own. It’s amazing how resourceful addicts can be, that was 6 months ago and he has yet to become homeless. I hope that this doesn’t sound judgemental, that was not my intent. I just hate to see another parent manipulated into believing that their child, an addict, is taking steps toward recovery for reasons other than the fact that they really want to recover.
9:21 pm
January 22nd, 2013
Pam,
Teen Challenge is an excellant program. It not only helps to get
them through detox, but it addresses the reason they are on drugs to begin with. They also teach them how to handle every day life when they are released.
5:03 pm
January 23rd, 2013
I would like to add that addicts are extremely resourceful and master manipulaters. My daughter is homeless again and somehow after attacking me for not helping her she has managed to find a couch here and there. I had lunch with her yesterday and she looked fine, better than me actually. When my daughter needed to fool me she talked nicely about the bible and god and recoverey and I fell for it but then she would never really go to meetings or do real work towards recover or go to church or anything, Its all BS if they don’t actually commit and do what they agree to and give it 150%. Be careful and be mindful of thier tricks. They have alot of them.
9:42 am
January 24th, 2013
I am the youngest of 4 children and in my early 20′s. My eldest sister is addicted to Rx pills. I had my suspicions early on but stupidly decided to turn a blind eye. Her addiction became horribly obvious about 6 months ago when she moved back into my parents house with the rest of my siblings and I. Since then she has lost her boyfriend, most of her friends, her job, car, apartment, she steals money and “barrows” our cars, steals my mother’s Rx pills, my parents have bailed her out of jail, we’ve called the cops on her, as you can see the list is very long and I wont bother you with the rest. I had to move out of my parents house and drop out of school in order to physically be away from my sister-unfortunately i cannot afford to live independently and go to school. Her theft and physical violence have escalated to the point where I specifically am not safe. I have told my parents time and time again that they cannot help her unless she wants to be helped yet they still believe that letting her continue her behavior will somehow help her . My parents can’t afford treatment–not that she would go– but they refuse to kick her out. They seem to think that if they ignore her behavior it might somehow stop. She keeps using my family, draining us physically, emotionally, and financially, if anyone has any advice as to how I can make my parents understand that their actions are in the end only hurting her please share!!! I am at the end of my rope and only want to help my parents see the error of their ways
6:46 am
January 25th, 2013
Dear “end of my rope”, just as you can’t control the addict’s behaviors, you can’t control what your parents are doing at this stage. They may just have a “longer rope” than you. The best thing, is for you to take care of yourself. Addiction becomes a family issue/disease in that it effects everyone, but we all have different levels of tolerance. It is actually healthy that you are fed up, sooner rather than later. My 23 year old daughter is an meth addict, and it is heartbreaking. I have and still do some of the things your parents are doing, but i did reach a point, where it was either her or I. Your parents will get there, but it has to be their journey. Nara-non is a good program, check to see if there are meetings in your area, and see if your parents will go also. Ala-non is also an option, its a matter of finding the right group. Take care of yourself,
11:11 pm
January 25th, 2013
Dear End of Your Rope ~
Is it possible that your parents are fully aware of the extent of your sister’s problem, but aren’t willing to kick her out in case she died? My in-laws supported my brother-in-law 100% for 10 years while he drank himself into dementia. They kept saying that they would never forgive themselves if “something happened,” but could never see the forest through the trees. They believed he drank because he was depressed about the failure of his third marriage and without their help he would probably commit suicide, what they refused to acknowledge was the contibution they were making to a much slower death. I could never understand it, until I saw myself through their eyes while I inadvertantly supported my sons Heroin addition for 3 years. When I finally really opened my eyes, I was shocked, absolutely and completely.
Your folks know that you are a survivor and they aren’t worried about you in the same way. You are much stronger than your sister and you will survive this. You say you are in your 20′s and in school so turn to student counselors, check into grants, go to local social/human services organizations, but don’t go back unless you are really desperate. You are in the best position to know what your gut is terlling you about your personal safety.
Good luck and God Bless.
9:09 pm
January 28th, 2013
Honestly, if you can get your child to go to Teen Challenge and they sincerely want to quit it is their only hope. All else that I have seen fails. My son refuses to go. God bless all of you!!!!!.
God Help Us All!!
5:05 am
January 29th, 2013
I feel so humbled to re-read the posts of all of the supportive parents and loved ones on this site. All of the stories are heartbreaking and familiar at the same time. For me the 12 step programs are not a be all, end all fix. But I do identify with the ideology, of the 3 C’s = “YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT, AND YOU CAN’T CURE IT.” This resonates with me, deep in my soul, I know as parents we think we did something wrong to cause this…. Look back in your loved ones family, on both sides, there is addiction, I am sure of it it. This is a genetic disease/problem, they are wired from the beginning. It is so sad and I hope they get it together! But we can only, hold our breath so long. It is time to take care of ourselves, and be the best and happiest that we can be, and only hope for the best for them.
3:20 pm
January 29th, 2013
as a mother of a 29 yr old meth addict..she has been using since she was 16. My daughter has a long long way to recovery, but she is working hard at the at recovery.
The BEST thing that ever sunk into my brain and helps me so much…is the 3 C;’s Mari wrote. I did not cause it, I cannot Control it and I cannot cure it!!!
For me a mother, I am happy to sleep thru the nights and know that it is out of my hands
5:30 pm
January 29th, 2013
My heart goes out to each and everyone of you whom have opened up and posted here. We don’t realize how strong we are until being strong is all we have left…..My son is an addict, he is 23 yrs old. I’ve been down every road imaginable with him just about. He’s been in jail several times, dwi, possession, felony, shoplifting, etc. I have forced him into rehab I believe about five times (can’t remember), very expensive. I have refinanced my home that was two years from being paid off, twice to pay for rehab, attorney’s fees, court cost and restitution for him damaging property. He has been left at the end of my driveway (couldn’t stand/walk) by a stranger that found him downtown beaten up and loaded on drugs. His best friend (2 years ago) didn’t wake up one morning due to mixing drugs, my son was called to the hospital and had to notify his parents. He has stolen from everyone in the family, lied, you name it he’s probably done it. I’ve tried tough love, christian rehab, state rehab, put him out of my house, cut off the money, everything……nothing is working. He can’t keep a job (currently unemployed). My heart is distroyed. I can’t sleep. I can’t find any peace in my heart or happiness. I feel that what happens to him happens to me. If that makes any sense. I’m terrified beyond discription that if he goes to jail for a long period of time, inmates will hurt him. I was told by high priced attorneys and court appointed persons of stories of what happens when a young, skinny, helpless male gets jail time. I’ve had many phone calls in the middle of the night regarding my son (not good), to the point I turn my phone off when I go to bed now. I’m terrified I’ll get the one phone call that someone tells me my son is dead. I’m terrified. I know that I can’t “fix” him but how do I get through my days with all this worry? I’m financially ruined at this time. I will soon be 50 yrs old and every waking moment of my life is wrenching from my son’s addiction. I will never give up on him and would give my life for him but I don’t know how to deal with this. I cry alot when nobody is aound. I can’t realy talk to friends, co-workers, family etc. I appreciate everyones openess, it helps knowing I’m not alone. God Bless You All
11:13 pm
February 1st, 2013
Dear Hurting,
You say you would give your life for him, but the irony is that you already have. He’s ruined his life and now he is ruining yours. You son sounds so like mine, however, mine is now 29 and I have had to distance myself from him. I fully expect him to die from his choices and in fact have protected my heart and life in looking at it this way: he is not the son I raised, he is an addict and criminal, someone I hardly know anymore, the son I raised is dead, now his corpse walks among us and is almost unrecognizable to me. I grieved a long time over this loss and will grieve again when he finally passes, but you know what? I will survive because I let myself experience it, I quit worrying about him every minute of every day and I let go because I couldn’t change it. I went on antidepressants and began taking time to take care of myself and it’s working.
Taking care of yourself is NOT giving up on him. He’s on a self destruct course and you cannot change that, only he can.
And finally, don’t even get me started on the legal system. First of all those people who said those things to you were wayyyyyyyy out of line. I know many people who’s young adults have done jail time and not a one of them has been violated. If you are a hard core criminal and actually see prison time, I suppose you might, but having said that, my son committed innumerable crimes: burglary, theft, possession of $125,000 in stolen property and he just got 5 years probation, so if you live your life worrying about that and enabling him to avoid prison, you are slowing spiraling out of control along side of him.
Please get support where ever you can, there are clinics where you pay if you can, quit paying for him to get better, pay for yourself!
4:02 am
February 4th, 2013
Dear I Hurts to Breathe-
Please go back to the beginning of this blog on 11/30/10, Ten truths for the parent of an addict child, it is helpful. I know how you feel, about never giving up, but maybe you need to look at it as never losing hope. We can’t make anyone do something that they don’t want to, so you can try and try with your son, but it has to be him, that gets so sick of what his life has become, that he needs to change it. It is impossible to not worry, but you have control over how you let that worry effect you. Please try to take better care of yourself, as moms, we are so focused on care-taking of others, but at some point, our kids need to be responsible for themselves. Do some reading, try and ala-non or nara-non meeting, therapy or just a long nap. You are worth it.
6:19 pm
February 4th, 2013
well said mari!!!….On the way to a hearing for my son’s dui with me driving….he tried to ream me out for all of his problems being my fault…my nagging, my threatening to send him to juvenile in the past (btw I never said that) and on and on and on…..I know better to react to his verbage with other words because it would never end but his words pierce me like a dagger….My husband and I tried to do our best as parents always being there for him but how do I rid myself of the guilt that I feel?????????
6:53 pm
February 4th, 2013
I am a father of an addict. I am experiencing all 10 of your experiences and totally agree with you. At this moment my son (22) was evicted from his apartment. I WILL NOT give him access to my home. He was approved in SS system and I am his payee to allot rent food and telephones. Every visit I pay his rent buy him smokes and put 40$ of his money in his pocket. My heart breaks more everry time I see him. But when I do visit, It brings me closer to God for how fortunate I am. I know I am just enabling him and puting off the enevitable but I know I can’t redirect him. After expressing this somehow I feel better already for at least today. THX
7:50 pm
February 4th, 2013
Thanks Tired John, I am right there with you. Hope, charity and love is all we can give, the rest is up to them. My son finally got it after I quit enabling. I was very lucky to have his mothers full support. One day at a time for me.
11:02 am
February 9th, 2013
just wondering if anyone can give me any suggestions about drug testing my son on a random basis…..what kind of tests are there available and how to administer them….thanks very much…..
7:24 pm
February 9th, 2013
Dear parent of a drug addict:
I too have a son who has been an addict for over ten years. he is only twenty seven. His story is errily similar to the one above. My heart goes out to your family and of course to your son. Our lives can be consumed with the addiction of our dear children if we allow them to be. The terrible truth is that they stop when THEY want to, and not before.
Godspeed to us all. May we have the wisdom and self control to let them fall and the love to love them no matter what…
1:14 am
February 10th, 2013
I am right there with all of you.. so glad to be able to “talk” with others feeliing the same thing i’m feeling right now. My 30 year old daughter had everything going for her… and she threw it all away on drugs. First meth and then Oxy… she has done it for so long she has blown all of her veins on her arms and hands… She is now a month clean (again) and I do have hope for her but I am just so ANGRY at her and for all the strife and worry she has caused this family.
I have said some really terrible things to her out of anger here lately… the lying, the stealing. Not only did she steal money from us but she actually pawned my wedding rings!!! I told her I would never forgive her… and said some other things I probably shouldn’t have. It’s just I am so tired… so I understand what you are saying. It is sheer exhaustion and hurt. My heart is actually broken after so many years of dealing with this.
Pam, I know that they do have the drug testing kits at CVS and have thought about looking into that myself.
1:21 pm
February 10th, 2013
I need help. I have a 40 yeard olf son living with me, hasn’t worked in 5 years, has become increasing anti-social, either sleeps for days or up all hours of the night (or worse leaving at 2-3 a.m.). Two weeks ago found out that he had stolen my credit card and charged $3000 in one month. Kicked him out, found empty pill bottles and lighters hidden in his room. He has had serious health and emotional problems all his life. Now he has crashed at my 80-year old mother’s house and is making her miserable. HELP.
1:00 am
February 11th, 2013
He died from OD 3 years ago,mage 20. I miss him so much. I believe he thinks I hated him when I love him always. I feel I wasn’t as good a parent that I thought I was and that i took too many sure and short cuts that gave him too much leeway to fool us for years and years. I replay years of conversatiobs and shallow cries for help through his seeming happy laughter, being a good student. always respectful, always kind, great sportman, a great brother and son and friend, loyal always and yet he was probably suffering and sad for most of his teen years without us knowing.We attibute the occassional odd situation to teenage bevaior. Boy, did we mess up. He tried I know to overcone. we helped. Not enough. We followed advice that I believe ultimately hurt. I miss him. I lovehim. And I can’t tell him knowing that he hears me. I have many lesson to share. Most of all ge compassionte. Listen to his/her needs first. Lsten to hat us being said and nit said, not just the words orcsentences, but the behavior. Don’t dismiss what you don’t understand. Act when signs appear. Don’t delay.
12:40 am
February 12th, 2013
I dont know what breaks my heart more. That our children have been taken from us through addiction or that so many beautiful loving caring parents are living in hell.
After 23 years nothing has changed, not really. Even with me no longer enabling. I feel trapped with no where to run. It is hard to accept this existence when we both had so much potential to share our gifts with the world. She a talented musician and writer and me a creative soul with passion and boundless energy. Instead she walks around talking to herself looking distant and beaten down blaming the world for her bad choices and I just fade into life with no goals or plans or anything. My life is disorderly in all manner – I am just existing day by day wondering when it will stop so I can finally get some rest. Her addiction caused god given gifts to stay hidden among all the dystfunction, lies, deciet, bad behavior, manuipulationa, confusion and so on. If you love an addict your are screwed unless you can somehow keep it seperate from your life. But most of us cannot – no matter what it seems to find a way to attach itself to our everyday life and then we are doomed. So lets just get real. Very few make it – most do not. If we value ourselves we need to remove ourself from the destruction otherwise we will go down with the sinking ship and trust me it is sinking. I know it feels cruel and selfish of us to consider such a thing but why are we throwing away our own life to save the life of someone who does not care. Its just stupid and we lie to ourselves everyday damm minute. We can’t save them. But they can save themselves. Ultimately we have zero control, zero power and well we can only change ourselves. I don’t have answers. I just know that we are all exhausted, broke, hopeless, angry and our dreams have expoded into the abyss! Good luck and God have mercy on us all.
5:40 am
February 17th, 2013
I am strong and I am not. Out of site, out of mind. My addicted daughter just turned 24 and this now has been 10 years of hell, with emotional problems and addiction. It is SO HARD, as a mom, and so counterintuitive to turn our backs on our kids. “Pleeese mom, can I just stay on your couch for one night? I don’t have anywhere to stay, I don’t have money, I am hungry.” Sound familiar?, sound like a manipulation, a guilt trip? probably all of the above, but it is so SAD that it comes to this. Who would have thought, when you first held that little baby, that it would be like this?! Tears roll down my face as I write this. I know what the right thing to do is, not let her stay here, but it hurts to think of the alternatives. But I have to remind myself that she chose to leave rehab, for the 5th, 6th time? She can sure find places to stay when she leaves! I am so tired of hearing ” I am trying so hard, you don’t know” , REALLY ? I think, stop TRYING and just do it!
4:15 pm
February 18th, 2013
Update. After a week in jail spent day trying to get a new place to live to put him up. Found cheap motel, paid up a week and of course he “checked out” a few days later and called me to come and get him and help him find a new place. Shut off my phone and now he’s angry at me. Which is GREAT! Am at peace & really haven’t thought much about him in 12 hours. Phoenix is warm and I don’t care what dumpster he’s sleeping behind. Maybe he will find bottom there and will call in a couple months and tell me about God, a new job, a car and renewed relationship w/ his son. Probably NOT. But a Dad can only pray and dream.
6:04 pm
February 18th, 2013
All such familiar thoughts…..We cannot “fix” the addicted….The only thing we can do is be there if and ONLY if they choose to fix themselves…..We cannot lose our own lives in the process because that helps no one or no thing…..Peace for today……
8:17 am
February 19th, 2013
Dear, dear parents,
I have not posted here for quite awhile. More disappointments here and I’m getting tired of listening to myself. I suppose I’ve decided to just go on with my life without my 2nd and 3rd boys. I have to. I have the most amazing husband, eldest son, daughter in law and beautiful grandson. Our financial situation is good. We travel, I do a lot of volunteer work, I live on a beautiful ranch. I am blessed without a doubt. I spend my days forcing my mind to only think of all the wonderful blessings in life I have. But yet, there is a huge hole in my heart. Damn it! My sons were all planned and I gave my life to them all. They ALWAYS came first. Their childhoods were what every little boy dreams of. Now this is what we get for all of our love and efforts. Right now tonight, my attitude is, I will be happy and content with the blessings I do have. They are on their own. I guess I’m in an angry phase. Ya know what? It’s what’s working right now. I am bound and determined to close those holes in my heart. Yes, I’ve lost 2/3 of my children, That 1/3 that I’m left with is of great quality and I am so proud of him. My grandson needs a grandmother who is loving, nurturing and very involved. Laying around feeling sorry for myself has gotten me nowhere. I don’t want my grandson to remember me as being self absorbed immersed in constant pity parties. My oldest son & daughter in law deserve a mother. Most of all my precious husband deserves a functional wife. I WILL rise above it all. Sons #2 & #3 you are all on your own. May God bless them.
Hopefully I can keep up this attitude even when the chaos rears it’s ugly head once again because it always does.
May you all find peace & happiness within yourselves.
6:18 pm
February 19th, 2013
Thanks, Linda B., for your thoughts…..I think you are doing the right thing for the blessings in your family…..there is only so much we can do…..There was once a time when I thought “if only this,” if only that,”and that if only this happened, it could be fixed but I now finally know that it cannot be fixed without him moving forward on his own…..So many of us have given so much…………
7:11 pm
February 19th, 2013
Heavenly Father – First and foremost we praise you with all our hearts. With that said we fight everyday to trust you and to accept “life”. Those of us on this post have broken hearts and we remain confused and feel abandoned as we fight so hard to try and understand the cruelty and destruction of drug abuse. Lord I ask that you would comfort each parent here – I feel like they are my brothers and sisters and I feel thier pain like it was my own. What about you Lord, you love us and you must feel our heartache. With an expectant heart I ask that you allow us all to find our faith and peace even with the toll that drug abuse has taken. I pray that you would shower us all with your supernatural power to heal and that you would recover and restore our children today in the name of Jesus. We all are learning about ourselves through this process – I am sure we have all made some bad decisions in our primitive attempts to help and save our kids. Regardless of whether we enabled or not we have all done the best we could with the knowledge and tools at our disaposal. Please dont leave us so confused and so heartbroken. You gifted us with these beautiful children then evil took them away even as we held on as tight as we could and tried our best to protect them. Please lord in the name of Jesus won’t your lighten our load and heal the sickness of addiction throughout our families and through this nation. Drugs are everywhere. It is heartbreaking so see so many talented and beautiful beings fall into this very deceitful trap. Show us the way out, all of us. Tell us how we can help each other so that our hearts are not so very burdened to the point of illness to us as well. Help us to stay of sound mind and body and of good health so that we may lift each other up as we experience this most painful journey. I ask for all in the name of Jesus that would you shower a group healing to all our children and to our nation and that you in your power destroy all the drug cartels and any other person that has had a hand in allowing these poisons to become so readily available to so many innocent children. Thank you heavenly father, thank you Jesus and thank you Holy Spirit – Amen
4:28 am
February 20th, 2013
I can’t find anywhere to put my 27 yr old daughter she is a meth user she has no ins and we are at a loss of what to do , we buried our 17 yr old son 5 yrs ago his was shot to death wrong place wrong time now we are so scared we may loo anther child can any one help us
Thank You Pamela
4:33 pm
February 21st, 2013
Rose, Thank you for the beautiful prayer! AMEN!!! As a christian I know He is our only hope.
5:24 pm
February 21st, 2013
Hi Pam-not sure what area you are in but see what city sponsored rehabs might be available if she is willing. Or try a behavioral hospital – however that will cost money more than likely. There is always help if she wants it. But if you are trying to protect her from herself that might now work out – it has to be her. I lost a brother the same way as you lost our son. It scares us to lose anyone else. But in the America will live in today we can only do so much. Years ago you could put someone in a facility without thier permission if you thought they were a danger to themselves. Not anymore. You can also try county mental health – they can hold folks for 48 hours observation. That might help get her diagnosed or lead to another resource.
Good luck and God bless.
5:49 pm
February 21st, 2013
Rose…that is a very beautiful prayer…..Thank you…
6:09 pm
February 22nd, 2013
Rose, thank you for that. Amen.
Got a call from my #2 son’s girlfriend’s mother yesterday. Apparently, they are homeless and living in some shack somewhere. My son is dirty and gross, and looks like your typical homeless person. Both of these kids came from good families that gave our kids all the opportunities life has to offer. Both bright and beautiful kids. How in the heck did things get this bad? They would rather be homeless than take the help all of us parents are willing to offer to clean up their lives. Such a waste. I do not blame myself anymore, I’m long over that. But, I can and will blame. I blame society and my sons themselves. Society because the drugs are so readily available and my sons because they were stupid enough to get themselves involved in it. Now that they’ve gotten themselves in so deep they can’t seem to get themselves out of the lifestyle no matter what we as parents do. We’ve all thought about the day when we get that call or knock at the door that our babies are dead. It haunts us each and everyday. Whether or not we keep our kids at a safe distance or not, we will always have that in the back of our minds. This is no way to live. I’ve tried to completely 100% detach from them, fall out of love to protect myself from this nightmare. Ain’t happening. So for now, I go about my daily life forcing myself not to think about it and focusing on the many blessing I have. That’s all any of us can do.
Pamela, there are many free rehabs out there. I was unable to find free detox though. She has to be willing to go to these places.
2:48 am
February 24th, 2013
I struggle with just how much to worry about my 3 sons who are meth addicts, along with other drugs. It’s been such a worry for so long that I feel myself getting a little calous to it. That sounds like I don’t care but I’m just tired of worrying and hurting for them.
Our sons have been involved for more than 10 years, have all lost beautiful wives and two of them have darling children that are deprived of having good fathers and we as grandparents, don’t get to see our little grandchildren often anymore. They can’t keep jobs because they steal from their employers or just don’t bother to go to work. They take advantage of people who they can live with for short periods of time. They have stolen from us and everyone else they know. One of them goes to jail Tuesday and I hope he will be there long enough to make a lasting impact on him. We will hear the sentence on Tuesday. He has been through rehab once and was in drug court for 18 months as well, and started using again.
Another one , his twin brother, OD’d three weeks ago and was saved in the emergency room. The third one is so paranoid and schizophrenic that he’s pretty well checked out of the real world. And it’s my understanding that even if he gets off the drugs he may never get better.
I guess my biggest frustration is that there really is nothing I can do. Even if I had the money to send them to a fantastic rehab center chances are they would start using again when they got out. It’s even more difficult because they are brothers and have a love hate relationship. They love each other when they are doing drugs together and hate each other for doing drugs.
And to top it all off, their oldest brother, our oldest son, is a cop. Imagine our family get-to-gethers. Tonight I’m feeling pretty negative.
We also have 3 daughters who are just wonderful. Our youngest daughter lost her 27 year old husband to cancer last August and it caused her a lot of pain to see her brothers killing themselves with drugs when her husband was fighting for his life.
I really appreciate being able to read your posts -it helps to know I’m not the only one dealing with this. And it helps to be able to vent. We don’t talk about it much at home unless their is an emergency or tragedy because it’s so awful.
My heart goes out to all of you and I want you to know that I get on my knees every night and pray for my children and for all who are battling this horrific modern day plague, the addicts and their families. I’m also very grateful for those who try so hard to help addicts beat the disease. They are an amazing breed of people.
May our Heavenly Father bless us all.
7:23 am
February 24th, 2013
Pamela… Look hard and dig – Dig to find help, and then fight like heck to get your daughter the help that she needs – It is out there, even without insurance… Be persistant… Call local and state agencies, ask questions – Beg for help. BEG. Has your daughter been in the hospital for drug related issues? Does she have any legal issues? My 26 year old son is a heroin addict – He is alive today because of the help that I have found by being persistant – and – desperate. My son has a long way to go in his recovery, but he is alive and on the right path, thanks to my finding professionals that cared enough to listen to me and to help. There is hope. Find help.
9:54 pm
February 24th, 2013
I am the mother of an addict. We have just uncovered dark truths regarding what length she will go to so she has her drugs. She has lied to everyone including a young man who was deeply in love with her. She is selling herself and traveling into areas at nite that I wouldnt go to in the daylight. We are numb from all the new news. We had multiple incidents before….trips to the hospital with multiple overdoses. I am now at the point where loving her is not enough. I almost cant be around her. She is at and NA meeting right now with her dad and tomorrow she starts an intense oupt program. But I worry and wonder if anything will be enough. I am devastated and guilt ridden. I am sad…beyond sad
4:30 pm
February 25th, 2013
Mary Jones, please do not feel guilty… remember the three C’s… you did NOT cause this. I truly understand what you mean about the dark truths… it was the same for me. It’s as though these things could not be possibly something your child is doing… as though they are total strangers. You are taking positive steps now for her and I am hopeful that she will get well… ultimately it is up to her and I pray she will take this opportunity you are affording her.
Your sadness is something I am also going through now. Many dark truths are coming out here as well in my own situation with my daughter. Please hold onto your hope!
5:21 pm
February 25th, 2013
It is a real shock when things start to unveil themselves. Is some respects a strange calm envelops you, like the calm before the storm. Each parent has to dig deep within themselves to determine to what degree of war you can engage in. And it is a war. One that you fight for often alone and without weapons. I found strength in these posts and in God and in Al-Alnon but my daughter after 22 years is still an addict and now mentally ill. I am fairly certain I will never see the real daughter but a small part of me reserves hope and faith that perhaps God in his supernatural abilities will rescue her. I no longer cannot although I sure gave it 500%.Sadly it was not enough and if anything so much of me died trying to help her. For some families they make it out and thier children turn thier lives around 100%. I am not sure why some make it and some don’t. Money does not help – actually it can hurt as you then spend on keeping them safe which actually just enables them. But its hard – the line between doing all you can and doing the wrong things. I have made many many mistakes in the name of fighting for my daughters life. Today it was all for nothing – she is gone in soul and spirit and more like the walking dead. But maybe one day…..its tragic. But I am thinking that perhaps collectively we can do more than just share our stories. There are so many of us just on this post. What about the slew of millions that dont even know about this blog/post. Perhaps its time we all band together and start a real serious public conversation about this epidemic affecting our families, communities, cities and country. We have a President who should be addressing this problem and giving priority to the drug problem in this country. One would think it is important as having a country full of addicts can’t be a good thing. At least we could try to force our goverment to help all of us and or help the addicts directly by having better programs that really address the problems. Also why is the drug trade left alone to infect our country like this. Terror comes in many ways and I don’t know about you but I feel like I have been liviing in sheer terror for 22 years. I have not felt safe for myself or my family. Drug use opens the door to all kinds of problems including putting at risk innocent families and friends. Why do we not have severe punishment for anyone that sells drugs. These people are evil yet it seems then are not afraid to do what they do. Fear is what is needed unfortunately. The human spirit left to its own devices can be very destructive. I believe in freedom for all but certainly we need to put this problem to rest. Its been this bad since the Vietnam war when herion and other drugs were easily brought into this country. Also having such a bad enconmy is making some folks do some horrible things for money. It seems even people who appear to be normal and decent are so desperate that they are selling drugs. And shows on HBO and SHOWTIME who promote dealing in drugs likes its an acceptable option are not doing anyone any favors. Our entire culture is sick and I don’t think we should continue to sit around and accept it. Perhaps part of the fight for our children needs to start on a different level. I’m just saying…..
11:31 pm
February 25th, 2013
My daughter is a heroin addict. It is frustrating and debilitating knowing there is nothing we can do to make her stop usimg until she is truly ready to be honest with herself. She ince was clean for almost a year, buy the boyfriend that claimed to love her, who also taught het how to do this drug, brought it back into her life again. Now she is 18 and i feel helpless. She wont go to in patient rehab and she still hangs out with trouble makers. How long has your son been clean for? I hear heroin is the hardest drug to stop using. What kind of rehab is he doing? I pray each night that the next morning i will have my daughter back.
6:46 pm
February 27th, 2013
Well here’s what just happened…..The probation officer came to install the device for 1 year of house (our home) arrest. First gave a drug test and she found suboxone and cocaine ( I thought it was just maybe alcohol at this point)…..he denied the cocaine and said his “friend” gave him the other….was inpatient rehab this summer for 3 weeks and now I realize it was probably just to avoid jail for the dui’s…I just don’t know if I can go on with this anymore….Seems he has been extra hostile to both my husband and me lately….The officer said he could go to jail instead of being in our home and he said that he can’t stand us and would rather be “on the street”…I don’t think he meant that but his life is bringing both of us very down…I feel that my life is over…Right now I fear leaving our home because I don’t know what might transpire…Would 1 of those “friends” come in to bring Lord knows what???….By the way, Rose, I did submit an email to the White House about the drug epidemic and how it is not only affecting families but all of society….Maybe everyone should so this…..whitehouse.gov
10:45 pm
February 27th, 2013
When my son is not using his family means everything to him. He calls constantly and wants to see us all the time. He’s pleasant and open and honest. When he’s using he rarely calls and when he does he reads things into the conversation that were never said nor implied. He’s in a sense, paranoid.
I have slowly seen the phone calls get less and less and our conversations became more and more strained. My first clue. Several days before his birthday in Feb. he called wanted to come and spend a couple days with us for his birthday. The day before his birthday he said, “never mind”. He said his back was hurting and didn’t feel like going anywhere. My 2nd clue. Yesterday I got a phone call from Walmart pharmacy saying his prescriptions were ready. He’s doctor hopping again for drugs. My 3rd clue. He still doesn’t realize how transparent he is.
Our son was clean for about 6 months. He was at a Christian program and doing fantastic. Then, an old friend (not one of the good ones) since kindergarten told him he could come live with him and he had a job for him working on a ranch taking care of horses and cattle. Right up his alley. He was raised on a ranch with horses and cattle. We tried and tried to convince him that it was not a good idea and he should stay in his program, we did not feel he was ready. Not only that, we knew this particular friend was not any good for my son at all. He’s never listened to us before, but still, we felt as though we needed to go through the motions anyway. We knew it would all fall apart. Obviously, it has.
Sometimes I feel like that 6 months of sobriety hurt us more than it helped us. Being able to have a normal relationship with our boy again was like heaven. He’s just such a wonderful person, so loving and caring. Just another reminder on how it could be, how it ought to be. Now here we are, right back in hell.
He’s 23 years old, a grown man. But still, his maturity level which has been stunted by all the drug use is somewhere around 15. He’s made his choice. He set himself up for failure. We were and are powerless to change that. The hope he had given us is just a teaser to torture us. That is our life. The life of loving an addict.
6:27 pm
February 28th, 2013
Thank you Susan , and to all the loving parents on this page . I will never give up on any of my children as you will never give up on yours. Yes they drain us of all the love,hope, faith, money, and energy we have and yet somehow we as parents find a way to refill ourself s for the next go around . I have read the top of this page for over a week it has helped me. Reading your post have also helped . I am not alone. I also met with long time recovering addicts hoping that they could help me help my Daughter and what I walked away with was something unexpected. Stop trying to save and rescue someone who does not want to be saved or rescued .Our children made a choice to do these drugs no one held a gun to their head and said take this or I will kill you. And they are not going to stop until they and only they make the choice to stop and get help . From their exsperance they said yea as long as their family gave they would take and take . Now looking back they feel like thy could never give back what they took from their family and I am not talking about possessions and at the time they ( our children ) don’t care they don’t care about us , they don’t care about themselves !! It’s all about the drug and only the drug. Now don’t get me wrong they did not say stop loving your child which for most of us are young adults . And I am not talking about addicts that have only been clean for a few months not even a few yrs I mean many many yrs and it was painful to hear and it was flat out exhausting. Only when we stop enabling them and it may take awhile , it might take going to jail even going to prison living in an alley behind a dumpster and yes as I do not want to type this some of our children will die. Now most of you might not know I have buried a child 17 yrs old my baby boy . The one who was doing everything right , was planning on joining the military , ROTC in collage , he was almost there and One night visiting his girlfriend in not a not so good neighborhood one that we beg him to stay away from went to a convenience store to get them a couple of sodas for the drive out to our house and was walking to his car and some gang member needed to make his bones picked my son to be his mark. So when I say some of us might end up with a death of a child I do not say it without soo much pain in my heart , I wish I did not know what that exsperance feels like but I do and I was not very compassionate to the recovering addicts that said death . Because they seen their friends die from overdoses and family members who just could not go on. They had no ideal what it was like for me as a parent . But then I realized I did not know what it was like being an addict . Only a parent of an addict and then something else happen. I now seen I was an addict I was addicted to getting my baby girl HELP at any cost , my health , here daughter take , my money here’s all I got for now , a roof over your head even if its just a night or two because at least I will be able to sleep tonight knowing you are safe within feet of me I will protect you and I will find help for you and I will fix you if it’s the last thing I do
6:41 pm
February 28th, 2013
Well I am sorry I was not finished and press the wrong thing. I now know that what I took away from the meetings was not what I went to them for . I went hoping they could help me help my daughter and what I found was something I did not expect . I have to surrender to the fact that I can not fix my child. I can give her helpful numbers to where SHE can get help when and if she is ever ready and I can love the person she once was , but sadly is no longer . I will no longer give her a place to stay and I will no longer give her money. I will give her all the prayers I can give and will not give myself to that drug . See I have other children and grandchildren who needs a healthy loving person to turn to when they need me . So I went looking for one thing and these people gave me so much more from the other side of the fence
5:18 pm
March 1st, 2013
Pamela….what type of meeting are you going to…I need to go also….Thanks
7:52 pm
March 4th, 2013
I worry that I am just setting out on this journey – with a son who is dabbling and losing it more often than not. Your words are helpful – I wanted you to know. This whole thing is very bewildering – I wish there was a way to stop drugs: they appear to be more and more accessible. Anyway, thank you for giving me a sense of not being alone……because I actually feel very sad.
2:17 am
March 5th, 2013
Every pharmacy has at home drug tests and they are accurate. One word of caution – put food coloring in the toilet so they can’t dilute the urine sample, make sure the water is turned off so they can’t get water from the sink or tub. Be sure you check the temp of the sample to be sure they haven’t used a substance other than their own urine. don’t give them any warning that the test is coming and if they say they can’t “go” right now don’t let them out of your sight until they can. I had to do this many times when my two sons were using. One has been sober for 10 months and the other for 8 months.It is my constant prayer that they stay that way.
7:44 am
March 9th, 2013
I am afraid of my kid. I feel like I am out here alone. Help, please.
6:02 pm
March 10th, 2013
I am the mother of a 20 yr old daughter who is addicted to heroin. She has been in 4 inpatient programs, jail multiple times for one posession arrest in which the court gave her so many chances to get help, even allowing her to be in inpatient rehab and a recovery home all of which were to no avail. She continued to use and thankfully was arrested because of a warrant due to her not complying with the courts and sent to prison for 5 months. I was so thankful that she was found and arrested. Better than the alternative which is losing her forever. When she was released from prison, I allowed her to come home. It lasted one day. She left the house after meeting with her parole officer and realizing that her parole restrictions were easily manipulated. I didn’t see her for 4 days. I found myself a wreck once again worrying if I would ever see her alive. I did contact her parole officer to let him know that I feared she had been using. She has found someone to stay with. She won’t tell me who or where she is living. She does keep in contact with me through texts so at least I know she is still alive. She came over yesterday for a brief visit and I can certainly tell that she is using. I want to call her parole officer again, but she’ll just blame me if she lands back in jail for meddling in her life. When do I stop meddling? I feel like I would be giving up. If there is a way I can keep a wall between her and heroin I would do anything. I never want to give up! I love her so much and I want to help her. I have enabled her in the past, and I don’t want to make the same mistakes. Not doing anything feels like giving up.
4:26 pm
March 11th, 2013
Hi Gayle-
Please find an Al-Anon meeting and try to go at least a few times a week if not more. They have helped me alot. They won’t fix your daughter but they will help you have your own life. I was at the point that I wanted to die after dealing with my daughter for 22 years. Its been hell. I was beat down, broken, depressed and could not accept that my daughter was choosing herion over everything. Now I realize that I can’t save her. I can only love her, pray for her and accept her as she is. I limit my time with her. I don’t give her money. I do however pay for her room rental. For me I must know she has a safe place and roof over her head. Many say I should not do but she is also mentally ill now and I can’t leave her on the streets. I have done it before and it hurt her more. Not every person hits bottom and goes up. I have left my daughter in the streets and she has many times hit bottom and she does not get better. So for me its better that she is in a safe home – each parent needs to figure out what they can and can’t do and what they should and should not do. Its not that black and white although the experts will say it is. However it is important to have rules, strong boundaries and an ability to still have your own life and not let thier’s infect your happiness. This takes practice, support and committment. I have prayed for all families that deal with this day in and day out. It is not right but it is the world we havve allowed to be created. Not enough people are demanding that this problem be dealt with – so it is growing by meets and bounds each day and the real terror is that we are losing our children to drugs thanks to the powerful drug cartels and to our goverment who squanders our tax dollars on testing frogs to see how high they hop instead of fighting the influx of drugs being allowed into our country.
God Bless.
6:15 pm
March 11th, 2013
Gayle,
There is nothing you can do to help her. She has to do that for herself. One day hopefully she will. Focus your energies on yourself. You need your life back. Attend Al-anon and/or Nar-anon meetings. Believe me, each and every one of us have been in your shoes. Focusing all of your time and energy trying to “fix” your daughter or manipulate her situation is useless. It just brings you to hell. Our children’s choices belong to them and we cannot change that. But, we can change our own outlooks. God be with you.
8:38 pm
March 11th, 2013
Rita, I don’t know your situation, but if you feel your child is a danger to you or him/herself then maybe you should contact the police. I have learned to realize that if your child is using they are not themselves and that being locked up in jail may be the best thing for them. It is not an easy thing to contact the police regarding your own child but (as someone wisely said to me) you have to be the “brick wall”, or the face of truth to them.
9:13 pm
March 11th, 2013
I should call her parole officer, I think?!! I am just afraid that my constant meddling is only giving her reason to deflect blame on me and that if I step back and let her see that she is doing this all on her own then maybe she’ll “get it” this time. Here I go again, trying to figure out how it all is going to “go down”. It’s these times when I wish someone would hold my hand and guide me. I don’t want to do the wrong thing. It is taking me so long to release control. Control that I never had!!!
12:36 am
March 12th, 2013
You are not alone. I have been where you ar. It’s tough to see your kid spiral out og control anf there is not much you can do about it. I told my daughter if she comes home high she is going to jail. Not in my house. Not anymore. I will not allow her to terrorize me in my house. It’s been tough but we will overcome this with love, faith and prayer.
7:33 pm
March 12th, 2013
I have for awhile known that my son was doing some kind of drug, but not sure what. I thought pills, pot and alchol. I was right about all that but then also learned that he is shooting heroin, and smoking crack. I have never had so many emotins to deal with all at once. I am mad, sad and scared. I have always been able to help the people in my life but now I am powerless. I am glad I have stumbled on this web site I have run off the 10 things to help me survive this and am going to read it everyday I feel weak. I only hope that he can do what he needs to for himself, I know this is the beginning of a very long road and its not going to be fun.
4:57 pm
March 15th, 2013
I wish that this didn’t hit so close to home for me. I could have written this myself.
I recently started a blog for families in recovery.
thanks for your blog, it is always helpful for us mothers of addicts to know that we are not alone.
4:58 pm
March 15th, 2013
My daughter is now clean for 2 1/2 months (for the 3rd time) and I am just holding my breath. I fear that unless she gets help for her depression she will relapse as she has done in the past. I am working on myself now… so many horrible feelings and I am afraid to let my guard down. I cannot seem to forgive. It is early in the game, I guess but honestly I don’t think I will ever trust her again… EVER.
4:58 pm
March 15th, 2013
I have a wise friend that told me she was ready to give up on her son when her daughter called her to repentance. Her daughter told her she can’t give up and that she needs to be the lighthouse for her son because no matter how far out in the stormy seas he gets he will be looking back to find her.
This gave me a different perspective. Instead of thinking I should fix my son, which none of us can, I now feel at peace with the role I play in his life. Just being grounded for him is a huge thing. He needs to know that I love him and that I’m here but I won’t participate in his drama or enable him. With this perspective I am not powerless – I can do that for him.
Rita, I feel your fear and pain and I wish for you the best. If he gets violent or steals from you please report him. My opinion is that the sooner you do something to stop him in his tracks the better. Don’t let it go on and on.
5:33 am
March 18th, 2013
First of all I absolutely must (even though I doubt what I say will ever reach him) address “angry dude”. I know it is futile as until 3 1/2 months ago I too would have thought the same thing…
There is no way (or very difficult) to UNDERSTAND and not be judgmental of “those” parents of “those” kids that have drug problems. UNTIL one of your kind gentle loving children is using drugs.
Although it seems an eternity ago that I was judging (other parents and their druggy kids) it seems even longer now that the tables have turned. It is sooooo easy to Judge – I have learned so much and realize for the first time that sadly it can (really) can happen to ANYONE’s kid…..
I couldn’t relate to the “stoners or their parents(who I judged to surely be terrible parents. I was so clueless and heartless as to what those parents might be going through especially as “My Kid” had it ALL going for him and therefore (in my mind) would never (even remotely) in a million years come close to beig a drugy much less addict.
My son really did have it ALL going for him (according to society) until only 6 months ago He was a 4.3 student being recruited for his sport to UCSD, UC Davis and a US Military Academy(which I will not name out of respect for the military and especially that academy -7% acceptance rate). He had spent time with us as well as his really great friends.
I don’t say this to make anyone else to feel bad … I say this to emphasize the fact that even though he HAD all this. Last semester he lost it all to drug: according to him his old group of “freinds” are nerds and suck ups, those that are doing collegiate sports are “try hards” (as he has since quit his sport and rejected all offers to play at collegiate level. AND although I thought his last semester grades were unbearable(2.25) I just got his 2nd semester progress report — ALL F’s!!! and a note that he may not be able to graduate!!! What???
So don’t Judge!!!
My son just started an out patient rehab program. He has been in treatment for only 4 days (the longest days in my life) and already I have learned so much about him, myself, drugs, manipulation and enabling) it is crazy. I have learned how my son has ruled our house (not meanly but rather manipulatively) I have realized that at times we do not tell him “NO” to keep the peace. I have also realized how unknowingly I have been enabling him and how very difficult and sometimes seemingly impossible not to enable him. I have learned it has become second nature to cater to him in order to keep the peace.
Anyway its late and like I said it has been the longest 4 days of my life. My new motto is simple: Love, hope, faith & understanding. Keep the strength and follow your gut. Know you are not alone. Share your story as it somehow bring comfort/hope/peace to someone that is going through something similar……
12:04 am
April 5th, 2013
wow angry dude…you may want to work on why you are so angry instead of lashing out at Parents that are doing the best they can.
Sounds to me it is easier for you to insult those around you rather than taking a goood look at YOURSELF! Maybe you are afraid of what you’ll see and or maybe it is just too painful for you to look inward however you need to realize that comments like you made…are only hurtful and that it serves no purpose other than getting out your own hate and anger… why???? take the log out of your eye before pointing out the splinter in anothers.
3:17 am
April 12th, 2013
I dont want to burst any bubbles but my addicted son is 30 he was in jail for the fourth time last year sober for 6 months in hail 3 at home. cried appologised hugged me told me everythng I wanted to hear .He was on house arrest till 24 th of december stole my christmas presents money and hart and left that night while I was making cookies for his children who are in foster care. I believe now there is no ammount of time being clean that will help if they dont want to get help.And even loosing his 4 kids didn t change him or his wife.
1:57 pm
April 12th, 2013
Linda, Your experience is a reality we all have to think about. I feel like I got some more good advice recently. I was told to see these children as they can become and treat them as tho their addiction is temporary. Also, if we even had a thread of hope we should treat that frail thread as a golden chain. Hope is a powerful tool and projecting that can give strength to those who are wanting to be well and it can soften our hearts. Giving up is a sad state of being.
We need to all hang in there and we can pray for our own inspiration for ourselves and for our families. God wants us to all succeed and will touch our hearts for good if He is the resource we put our faith in.
4:32 pm
April 12th, 2013
I am so tired if my daughter’s addiction! I have tried everything. I took her to detox because she cried and said she wanting to stop using and wanted to be clean and sober. She walked out. Tried ti get her into rehab and she wint gi. She stays clean for a week or two and primises she is done. She pawned the laptop we got her for schiol just to get high. She sleeps all day and is gine all night. I’m tired if t he lies, empty promises and hypocracy. I’m desperate. I dont want my youngest child to live a life of addiction. I want to see her succeed and love life the way she was meant to. I know i cant make her get clean. I just wish she would stop once and for all and be normal. I’m tired of not knowung if i will see her alive again. I’m scared and very tired of the emotional rollercoaster she has strapped us in.
5:09 pm
April 12th, 2013
#2 at the beginning of this Blog says: You can’t fix your child’s addiction. Only your child can find the answers to their sobriety. You may provide your child with self-help books, spend every dime you have sending them to rehab, find support groups for them within your community or much more. But none of that will get them clean and sober and on the path to recovery, until they have hit their own personal rock bottom and are ready to recover.
I think this is true and when you finally hand it to them to deal with you will be free of it. I don’t know how old she is and that’s a huge factor but if she is over 18 she has all the resources that any adult has to stop the addiction. You can’t do it for her. I’ve been going through this for almost 15 years with 3 sons and after all these years of going through all you are I’m finally at a place where I’ve let them take over their own lives. It’s hard to hand it over to them but there is no reason for you to share the addiction with them. You need to be ok. Focus on all the good around you and let that go with her. She made the choice and now it’s hers. YOU can’t fix it.
6:54 pm
April 12th, 2013
I have been at this for years and let me tell you one thing you should have written in stone these kids will tell you anything you want to hear blame you for their addiction sell your eyeteeth for their next fix and pull your hart strings so hard through guilt it isnt even funny. I have come to find that you cant justify enabling them by making the excuse that if you dont give them a bed in winter and dont at least feed them they will die. They need to fall and fall hard dont help them hurt themselves mine went to rehab and open door and even jail he made it look like he was trying all at my expense just make them understand the real world is out there love rhem but dont feed the addiction and maybe it will turn your way no food no money no bed .
6:02 pm
April 13th, 2013
i am 42 and have had so many seizures and been to so many treatment centers ive lost count.plz remember he doesnt want to live like that.it is not his fault.there are things happening in our brains that doesnt think like other people.plz consider a personal relationship with god because after 27yrs im still here and i have tried everything.if he truly wants to quit plz think about it.he needs you and all the prayers people can say.plz take care if you dont you cant help him.godspeed
6:21 pm
April 14th, 2013
Brent, thanks for your words. People think addicts are weak and selfish and don’t care if they’re addicts. My son is in such mental pain. He just can’t process little things that most of us do automatically everyday. What he’d give to be able to wake up early go to work or school, shop, cook his dinner, etc. He’s intelligent but has trouble compartmentalizing and gets mentally overwhelmed and withdraws reaching for any drug available. He’s 22 and in his 3rd rehab. The first 2 were old fashioned 12 step. He’s now in CA at an alternative sober house and spends his weekdays at a facility that focuses on the source–lots of 1 on 1 and testing. Don’t know what will happen. I thought I’d be relieved that he’s safe and getting help but I’m worse than bfor and don’t know why. I keep crying. He started with pills at 19 and progressed to everything but meth. For the first time he recently said he needed help. Being somewhat of an empath, I am a target for manipulation and enabling so I’m glad this time he’s at a place 3,000 away. It’s got to be the worst for the mom to practice “tough love”. I never could. A guy very close to my son and I overdosed when he was 25. His mother had cut ties with him and she regrets it terribly eventho she knows it probably would have happened eventually. There’s a book called “Inside Rehab” and there’s an excerpt on “to let go or not to let go”. Reading this has made me feel better about not being able to let him go. There’s really no right way. It’s what you need to do at the time. I pray that time won’t come. Good luck, Brent-I have an inkling of what you’re going thru cuz of my son and good luck to all of us seeing our love ones struggle.
6:21 pm
April 15th, 2013
I am thankful for this site and the support that comes with it. I just heard an interview with David Sheff on public radio. (Fresh Air broadcast) He is the author of Beautiful Boy (which I cried all the way through) now wrote a book called Clean. I haven’t read it yet. The interview confused me but also empowered me at the same time if that makes any sense. Wondering if anyone else heard this interview (you can google it) and what your thoughts are. God bless all the parents, sons, and daughters dealing with this awful disease.
2:25 am
April 18th, 2013
I tossed my son out ten days ago he was never tossed out before I fell for the quilt and drove myself crazy He called his sister a few days later asked if he could stay he is now in her cold damp basement but went to the dr and got meds to make him sick if he uses The rules are tough and he knows she dosent play about he has been straight a week now When he asks me for anything I say no Ive gotten mad FINALLY no more lies enabling him to use me no more stealing from my house no more tears I finally am breathing a sigh of relief and broke my addiction to his bad behavior, I love him but cant give in just an observer in the background.
2:31 am
April 18th, 2013
even if the jails offer some minute trearment the addict will come out and do what they want to my son had me take him to open door meetings 3 times a week told me what I wanted to hear only to find he was getting his drugs there hmmmmm what to do? nothing let them fall they decide to get help they will
11:50 pm
April 18th, 2013
My stepson is 26 years old, he as a baby girl of 6 month, he is a drug addict, been convicted a lots of times, never got jail time, escaped warrants for two years, had an accident on a freeway while under the influence and killed a man in that accident, got charge and a dismissal of a manslaughter. he is currently under supervise probation for 2 years for possession, as to pay numerous fines which he doesnt, has to hold a job which he doesnt. he recently got evicted of where they live and of course knocked on his mom door. And of course regardless our fights about it, she took them in promising it will be for couple of days (its been 7 so far), I insisted to not have drugs in the house. But two days after moving in, he was high at the house, my wife found a bag with seringes inside and a pipe, we confronted him, and it endup with me phisicaly kicking him out. (you have to understand that i have a 3 years old and a 5 yeaars old and if they got hold of those seringes i can only imagine the possible nightmare). I have been patient with him and my wife denial, but I am at the end of my rope and i am afraid to do something i will regret, like considering leaving my wife.
5:45 am
April 19th, 2013
there is some hope my son has been on soboxone and is acting like the son I used to have. Still toigh love he has started to think like a normal person and is making his own good dicisions. Thank God I see a small light at the end of the tunnel flickering but still afraid to believe its real. The Dr said there is a 60 percent recovery rate on this new treatment. I am praying my boy is in that 60 percent.
4:34 pm
April 19th, 2013
Hi, Linda. My son did subs but they can cheat. I made him take it in front of me and I would check his mouth after 5 min. but there were times that I couldn’t be there and he ended up using again. Subs are great for tapering off the dope and helping with the cravings but the underlying problem is still there and u can get addicted to subs and the withdrawal is worse than the opiate withdrawal. My son then got the vivitrol shot which I would recommend to anybody who wants to get off heroin or any opiates. You have to get it from a shrink-I think. We don’t have medical insurance for it but the doctor got it for free thru the company that manufactures it. Suboxone is part bups and part naltraxone. Vivitrol is just the naltraxone part so it’s not addictive. I hope the subs work for your son cuz i know people who were in that 60% and I certainly don’t want to bring a cloud over your relief. I just want to give you my experience with subs so u can keep and eye on your boy and be aware and know if the subs don’t work, there’s an alternative where they can’t cheat cuz it’s in their system for a month after the shot. But it only blocks opiates and my son turned to crack and benzos cuz he couldn’t blur out his problems with heroin.That’s why he’s in rehab now. Let me know if you want anymore info on our experience with the shot or suboxone. and i have my fingers crossed that the subs work for your guy.
6:51 pm
April 19th, 2013
Linda, I am praying with you. Good luck to you and your son.
2:46 am
April 21st, 2013
Don’t let your guard down! This is what I want to say to parents. I love my addict, she is currently in rehab for the 9th time. I want to feel that this is “IT”. How long do the manipulative behaviors last? She wants me to visit and she “love” me so, but, “can you bring me ……” There is a catch, does she want to see me or does she need me to buy her “black leggings from Target”? I get so tired, 10 years of this, ups and downs, back and forth. This is a disease, I know it must be, I raised good kids, the other is doing great. Part of me wants to feel for the addict, part of me is pissed off. This is such a terrible dilemma we have to deal with. I don’t know what the answer is, but know you are not alone.
3:23 pm
April 22nd, 2013
I am going to take my son to the dr tomorrow and will ask about the Vivitrol he is doing the sebox strips right now he is supervised but we dont make him take them he is homeless and suffers when he steps away from whoever is helping him. He was suffering trying to detox cold turkey so we gave him a little help I cant let him be with me here at home because he knoes I love him and enable him I am detoxing in a way by having hardly no contact with him he hates me right now but seems to be staying clean to prove I am wrong about him being an addict, If you love them you need to let them fall hard. Ots tougher on me than him. god bless us all everyone. thanks for your support and help
9:31 pm
April 22nd, 2013
As a parent of two grown adults, both having gone through years of addiction, you couldn’t have said it better. Thank you
4:33 am
April 24th, 2013
You are absolutely right Marie. Can’t let our guard down. Cops and paramedics just left my house with my daughter. She was so high when she got home. Then we fimd out she pulled a knife on the boy she was with this afternoon. Third time this happens. Cops were not going to take her until ahe said she was going to kill herself. I hated seeing that. The way they strapped her down and took her. Buy she needs this. She’s 18 and so haed to make her stay in rehab. She already walked out of detox as soon as i dropped her off. I’m so scared she is going to kill herself of an overdose like so many of her friends. I pray each day she will have the strenght to stay away from drugs and she wont, she cant. Hope this time this works. I dont want to see her like ghis anymore
1:01 pm
April 24th, 2013
My son is a meth addict and last Thursday I bailed him out of jail for possession of meth. He had about 2 grams on him at the time time.
That made the 3rd time within 5 months I’ve bailed him out of jail (all felony charges) and each time his programmed response was he’ll never use again and will seek rehab. Tuesday night he shook the bottle (manufactured meth) in his room in my house. All the cook houses he used have been busted. He hadn’t finished the process (gassed it off) and a coke bottle was full of chemicals and he was passed out on the bed and syringes were on the bed. I could have called the cops which I did the first time it happened and that was a nightmare. I almost lost my house and I wasn’t going to go through that again so I disposed of the chemicals and threw him out Wednesday morning. I told him once again he has allowed meth to hijack his brain and last night, he made the decision to embrace the meth monster as his family so in essence he chose the devil over his own family so there is nothing on God’s earth I can provide for him any longer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m unconventional when it comes to religion. God can stand for good orderly direction or whatever it means to to each of us and the same with the devil. However, whatever evil power exits on this earth, Meth is spawned from it
I will share the email I sent to him last night. Trust me folks, this is my last rodeo with this man. He is 32 years old and he will die unless HE CHOSES to change.
Once again, you’re allowing your brain to be hijacked by meth. I asked you if you were going to use again if I bailed you out this last time and automatically the answer was no which is a lie and then you had the audacity to manufacture in my home yet again. Last night, you made the decision to embrace the meth monster as your family so in essence you chose the devil over your own family so there is nothing on God’s earth I can provide for you. I can’t watch you 24/7, it’s not my job and when you have the liberty of freedom there is nothing more important to you than shaking the bottle. The old saying “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink is very true. Maybe one day when you’re thirsty enough, you’ll get yourself some help. No matter what, any kind of treatment is better than no treatment at all so you need to think hard about that.
As you know, you cannot stay here anymore. You are a man, and most men inherently are warriors. For instance, men who join the service are ready to die for their country and nothing can change that conviction inside of them. They will fight to the death. You are a prisoner of the meth devil, and the warrior inside of you is prepared to die and nothing will change that which is why you must find another battle ground where and you and the meth devil can wage your war and fight to the death. I’m not quite ready to die yet and you have put me and my husband in harms way too many times and taken advantage of our sacred ground, therefore, I cast you out.
I have nothing else for you, no money, no more phone calls to agencies to get you help. If you want help, you must do it on your own. I tried to be supportive and helpful over the last 4 days, you perceived it as bitching but I saw what was coming long before you. I truly was trying to help you but all I did was enable you again
May God have mercy on your soul,
Ma
2:52 pm
April 24th, 2013
Mari, I know exactly what you are talking about. My daughter is in treatment for the sixth time and every time I hope this will do the trick. I helped her find the treatment center (2 1/2 hour drive from where we live) told her I would take her there and the rest is up to her. I sometimes feel like i am her personal secretary and shopper. I sometimes feel like a pawn in her game to avoid getting into trouble with her parole. I’m not sure if this is all a way for her to avoid going back to jail because she has tested positive for drugs since she’s been out on parole. All I can do is pray that if her intentions are not to get clean that God throw a wrench in her plans. I don’t think she is done using. I don’t hear sincerity in her voice. She seems to need me to do something or buy something for her all the time but never wants to have an open and honest conversation about the drug use. So as usual i run around doing her arrands because I love her. I tell myself that i will not enable the drug use but i will enable recovery. Not sure if i’m doing it right, i do a lot of praying and do what is in my heart. Regardless of her intentions she will be clean for a while and I know that any amount of time clean is good.
4:04 pm
April 24th, 2013
Linda, Ur son needs to detox bfor he can get the shot. My son did it at home with the help of meds prescribed from the md. It was very rough but he did it. Probably better to do it at a facility,tho. That way they can’t give in when the detox gets really bad. He also didn’t like the shot-it has side effects like decreased sex drive (too bad!) and it also blocks alcohol but it’s better than overdosing. U can get it for free. I can give you the name of the company who manufactures it if you need it. U also have to be careful to get the following shots on time or a little early cuz as the shot wears off, they are very susceptible of overdosing cuz their systems are clean. Good luck with it. I hope he gets it.
6:23 pm
May 2nd, 2013
well the sixth time was not the trick. I just found out she has left the treatment center this morning. Here comes the pain and worry and sadness all over again. I don’t know where she is. She is in a very big city and the treatment center is not in a good area of the city. She’s done this before. She knows if she’s caught that she’ll probably go back to jail. That’s what I am hoping for once again…that she will go back to jail where I know she can’t use and where I know she’s alive. I am going to try to get to a meeting. I know I need to for my own sanity. I’ll never stop loving and praying for her. I have to give her to God and trust in His plan for her life.
2:27 pm
May 7th, 2013
I am truly thankful that I found this link this morning. I have been off work for a few days and once again my son, who is 32 and living with my younger brother, is in the hospital. This is the second time in a year he has gone to the ER for mysterious stomach problems including nausea and severe pain. The last time they sent him home with meds and said it was a virus. This time they are doing tests.
Of course, I am sure he is not telling the doctor that he is addicted to pain pills and that we are pretty sure he is doing meth and always his pot.
But my situation is different and drives my guilt to a stronger extent. I left my sons father when he was almost 16. I stayed in the same city for some time but then moved to another and was gone for nearly 15 years. Of course I visited and my son and his older sister visited me and I also paid child support above and beyond what was expected even creating an education fund for him.
But right after the divorce even before I moved, he started getting into trouble and then drugs and drinking started. His dad tried to keep up with it and I even thought of moving him to where I lived but every time he visited he would get into really bad trouble there as well.
He was in and out of jail by the time he was in his early 20′s and then he just dropped out of our lives when he got out of jail one time. None of us heard from him for over 12 months. He was literally thrown back into our lives by an accident that could have killed him…he was thrown through the windshield of a car that was flying down the highway and crashed. Of course, alcohol was involved. They called his dad and after his recovery he went home to stay with him and his new wife. That is when the pain pills came along and with them the addiction.
Needless to say he has lived with numerous ‘friends’ and family never held a job for more than a few months at a time, has had professional, spiritual and every kind of emotional assistance we could offer. But I do not think he has yet hit his rock bottom.
Plus, I have had my own issues with addiction in my life. My mother was mentally ill and my father left my brother and me with her to survive when we were just little. I didn’t even start to drink until I was in my forties and have always worked hard all my life, despite any issues with life.
My daughter has a good life now. She is married and has two children. My son has children as well but that is another story and I don’t even know if they will be in our lives at all.
I love my son but I do not trust him. I have forgiven myself for any mistakes I made in brining him up but I think he still blames me for a lot. Thank you all for the things you have shared in this post. We all want to be proud of our children in life and I suppose for me, as I am growing older, I want to know that my son will be ok in this life when I am gone. Honestly, I am not sure what will become of him if he doesn’t get on track and take responsibility for his life.
3:31 pm
May 7th, 2013
I know the fear you are feeling right now. I’m so sorry. My daughter finally completed rehab last week. Her miod swings are still very apparent and she’s tearing my family apart. I want her well and away from all the bad influence. So hard when they are adults. I hope my daughter stays clean and focused on her recovery. I am so tired of worrying that she might go back to using and die. I hope your daughter is safe and returns to you. My prayers are with you. Hang in there.
5:57 pm
May 8th, 2013
Thank you for your prayers. She did call from a pay phone on Saturday and told me she was going back to the treatment center that night but hinted that she needed money. Of course I didn’t even let her ask. No way was I going to provide her with money when I know that it was going to be used for drugs. She said she would call me again Saturday night and I didn’t hear from her again until today (Wednesday). This time she didn’t seem to want anything but just to let me know she is going to go back into treatment whether it be the same place (if they even let her back) or a different place. I told her she is choosing this life and that she won’t have a better one unless she wants it for herself. I didn’t freak out when she called like that last time and I hope that made her realize that the ball is in her court. I went to a parent al-anon meeting last night and It did wonders for me. I got so much love and support. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. We can’t give up hope! We just have to know that God loves them and that in all honesty our daughters are reaching out to Him, they just don’t know it yet.
7:22 pm
May 8th, 2013
Wow Susan, your post is exactly what I’ve endured with my son. It was like reading about myself and very ironic how similar our circumstances are. My son is primarily a meth addict but certainly doesn’t hesitate to seek pills if they’re available. My son is looking at a long prison stretch. He’s accumulated 5 felonies within a six month period; 2 manufacturing meth and 3 possession of meth along with 5 shoplifiting charges. He’s currently out on bond but he’s not going to walk once he has his day in court. Because of all the failed attempts at rehab and his continuing drug use I’ve come to the conclusion there are only two ways he will ever stop using. Prison or death by meth. My heart is with you and everyone who has an addict child. They’re unable to be productive members of society and their addiction takes its toll on the family unit as well, many times robbing us of joy and happiness in our own lives. It’s so sad but I must say I no longer worry or fret like I used to. My son is also 32 but has the mindset of a reckless teenager and chooses not to man up and do the right thing so I no longer allow his choices to turn my world upside down.
8:09 am
May 9th, 2013
Linda, Ur son needs to detox bfor he can get the shot. My son did it at home with the help of meds prescribed from the md. It was very rough but he did it. Probably better to do it at a facility,tho. That way they can’t give in when the detox gets really bad. He also didn’t like the shot-it has side effects like decreased sex drive (too bad!) and it also blocks alcohol but it’s better than overdosing. U can get it for free. I can give you the name of the company who manufactures it if you need it. U also have to be careful to get the following shots on time or a little early cuz as the shot wears off, they are very susceptible of overdosing cuz their systems are clean. Good luck with it. I hope he gets it.
3:00 am
May 10th, 2013
Hi all Mom’s , Dad’s and Loved Ones-
It looks like we are all in the same “boat”, the sinking Titanic. WE DID NOT CAUSE THIS. This is a disease, it has it is strongly related to genetics. We made mistakes; like all parents and caregivers do, it is unavoidable. Please don’t blame yourself, it just happens, like diabetes, depression, severe asthma… that is what we are up against. Can we stop the onset of these diseases????…. NO.
So, who are we to think that we can stop, or control ADDICTION? If you look at it in these terms, it makes the whole process easier to comprehend and handle. Take that pressure off of yourself. Remember… YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS, YOU CAN NOT CONTROL THIS AND YOU CANNOT CURE THIS. Let yourself off the hook, and let them try to heal themselves. Be there but don’t destroy yourself in the process. I am sorry for all of the pain that we all have, please take especially good care of yourself, because that is all that we can really control in life. PEACE to all.
2:41 am
May 14th, 2013
Really, PARENTS! WAKE THE HELL UP! I am a parent of a 29yr old son. Heroin. Oh yea, mom and dad got divorced, went to private schools, never fit in. Too f….ing bad. Done everything in the world for this kid. You CANT do enough for an addict. They will LIE to you! They will lie to Grandms and Grandpa! Let them go to jail or die how they choose! Yes, I may regret saying this at a later date in my life, but if I felt this way 5 years ago, I wouldnt begoing through all of this crap today!!
2:46 am
May 14th, 2013
Really, I hear some replys as to “In trteatment for the 6TH time” Thats NOT treatment. 1,2 ,3 strikes you are out!! Let them go. Dont ever pay for a 6th treatment! Why are we SO STUPID???
3:04 pm
May 14th, 2013
Steve,
I am the one with the daughter in treatment for the sixth time. Thank you for your comments. I am not paying for her treatment. She is getting her own assistance for that. She is there by her own choice. She is an adult. I did not force her to go. I do hear what you are saying and it is true…how can a 6th time be treatment? it’s really not, she knows the game…she may very well be manipulating the situation. But isn’t that her choice to make also… to continue to get clean, then use, get clean, then use? Bottom line is while she’s there the drug is out of her body and who knows when she will decide to stop this cycle. Some of us have different experiences and situations than others so please don’t judge with harsh words that hurt. This site is a place to find help and support. I do appreciate your comments but I could have done without the “so stupid” part. I hope that your son gets better too. I can tell that you are hurting too.
God bless
3:17 pm
May 14th, 2013
Steve,you are absolutely right! My kid had it all. All the attention, the best everything, both mom and dad at home happily married and she still chose this path. She was in pschyc for 10 days because after acting irrational and violent i called the cops and she said the magic words “i’m gonna kill myself”. 4 days after she got out she was high. Tried to tell us otherwise. Did not comply with the court and did not attend chemical dependency group and admitted to the judge she was high. She will be in jail for 15 days to detox. I was advised not to put money on her books and not to accept any calls from her. It’s killing me but i refuss to be played and lied to. Tough love. I dont want my kid dead and i’m not going to spend my life savings on her. She needs a good dosd of reality and to really be honest with herself. I pray for her every day but that’s all i can and will do. If she straightens her life out, GREAT! If not…… It’s her choice. I love her but i will not give in to the addiction and the drama and heartache
7:51 am
May 16th, 2013
Gayle. Well said. I support you and your daughter, and your belief in hope and possibility to get well. Your kindness, understanding, and tolerance are present in your words and I am so glad that you continue to comment on this blog post. May you have peace today, and rest knowing that your daughter is a part of a larger plan (that we don’t control!). Much love. Lee
11:15 pm
May 16th, 2013
Steve,
I DO feel the same. No more wasting money on a bottomless pit for us. If our boys want treatment bad enough they will find their own way. That too is their choice. The constant drama and heartache and money out the window has made us cold and callous to the situation. I certainly admit that. I love my sons more than my own life, but that doesn’t help a thing either. Since we’ve done this so long I think we just get too exhausted to put anymore effort forth. Not to mention, nothing we do helps anyway.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with their child being an addict. Most of the time we’re blinded by our love and commitment to our kids to “not” help them. I think we all essentially go through the same steps, but just at different times and lengths. Just like our addicts, we too need to find our own ways. No one is “stupid”, we’re just lost too.
9:31 pm
May 19th, 2013
I have been a subscriber to this blog for 2 years now, ever since my son Karl overdosed on heroin in November 2010.
The stories of overwhelming fear and frustration that we feel for our children resonate to our very core- but so does the ever powerful love that we have for them and the hope that they will return to us one day, happy, healthy and free from the grips of addiction.
I commend each and every one of you for the courage that it takes to stand up and fight this disease- for it is a disease, not a habit. We are no different from the parents who’s children are battling cancer- God bless them- it’s just unfortunate that there aren’t enough support groups for people “like us”. We, the parents, are the face of addiction too. We’ve been given a front row seat to watch our kids destroy themselves. Even though my story does not have a happy ending, I will continue to read your posts and pray for you and your loved ones. I will continue to work in my community to bring awareness to the need to support and love the families that are facing this disease and campaign to stop the insanity of drug use and addiction among our precious children. This I do in memory of my son Karl 4/11/80-5/29/11.
6:19 pm
May 21st, 2013
than you for what you have written. im in the middle of hell with my son. anything i can read is so very helpful.